desire

4 posts
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Poetriez
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 24
Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:22 pm
Poetriez says... · Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:22 pm
for long days i have thought about you
i believe you are the one
that i feel is true blue
your hair is like the midday sun

Pools of blue but almost Sapphire
and i can believe you are there
even tho my heart is on fire
i look at you with care

hoping you will some day
you will feel the same
as the i feel in this way
i see you as a flame
War is war
Nothing else
Nothing more

-J.G. Follett
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Misty
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 493
Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:28 am
Misty says... · Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:28 am
Too much inconsistant rhyming, too many typos, too generic. Make it your own.
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Shine
Gender Female
Points 1125
Reviews 368
Sat Apr 01, 2006 10:02 am
Shine says... · Sat Apr 01, 2006 10:02 am
Good.
But "as the i feel in this way" :? :? ,'the I feel'??Isn't there an extra the before I.
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.
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xanthan gum
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
Sat Apr 01, 2006 7:28 pm
xanthan gum says... · Sat Apr 01, 2006 7:28 pm
1) you need punctuation
2) you need a rhythmic pattern that fits with the rhyming pattern

GOOD THINGS:

you know your poetry well, as you have a feel for it, and you also seem to have a fair-sized vocabulary. continue expanding that and it could heavily contribute to your poetry.
Carpe Diem.
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4 posts


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