Out of the Mists - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 of a story I've had stashed for a while now. There is a poem that goes with this, if it can't be found in my portfolio, ask me to post it. I'm pretty sure I haven't posted it yet....

Anyway. Feel free to crit this however you feel. Enjoy!


Chapter 1: Caught.

A dark figure ghosted across the roof of one building and leapt for the next roof, floating down to gently land on the second roof. The figure was a woman, her long hair plaited and reaching the round in her crouched position.

Shouting and the sounds of men fighting reached her and the woman shot to her feet, her long braid hitting her back as it settled. They were after her, her and the orb. She glanced down at her sword; Dark, murky green eyes roamed over it. The woman examined the sword for a long moment, watching the unsheathed blade glinting in the starlight. She had to move, and soon.

Twisting the sword so it lay flat against her back, the woman set off over the rooftops, jumping from one roof to the next and floating down gently. She kept a firm grip on her sword, and checked the pouch at her waist every time she stopped.

She reached the edge of the rooftops and gazed down at the large, open area before her, sword held out to her left. The area was lit by a serious of lamps; the paved area was clear of guards for the moment, but she should hear them getting closer.

“A courtyard,” she muttered. “Damn it. Always ruins my plans.” With a snort of desertion, she returned her sword to the sheath on her back and check on the orb again, hiding in the shadows on the roof as a trio of men raced across the courtyard.

“This way!” called one man as he led the other two across the space just below her.

She waited until the men had passed, then straightened up and stepped up to the edge of the roof. Placing her feet about half a metre apart, she smiled and then just let herself fall forward.

Instead of falling two stories to the ground and seriously injuring herself, the woman just ran down the wall and onto the paved ground. She kept running, and was only halfway across when the arrow pierced her leg and drove her to the ground.

Crouched in the middle of the courtyard, she looked around frantically, ignoring the pain in her leg as she scanned the edges of the yard. She knew this courtyard; it was ringed by a serious of covered walkways and shojis that lead into rooms....that belonged to the city guards.

She swore, loudly and received another arrow to her shoulder. How had she managed to dump herself into the training courtyard of the city guards? The woman scowled; the man must have given her a fake map, or told her to how to read it wrong. She heard footsteps, and clutching her shoulder, turned towards the man now walking towards her.

“Who are you?” he called. “Where have you been tonight, and what have you stolen?”

“This is none of your business,” she hissed and tried to rise, but with an arrow lodged in her thigh, she couldn’t move.

“It is my business now, girl,” he snapped and reached forwards to rip away the cloth covering the woman’s face. She lashed out with a dagger, slicing a deep grove into his palm. The man hissed and reared back, regarding her. “I will say it again; who are you and what have you stolen?”

The woman refused to answer so the man half-turned away and called for the guards. Another man appeared out of the shadows; he carried a bow and was followed by several others. He joined the first man.

“What have you caught here, Basir,” he asked.

Basir chuckled and ripped a strip of clothe off his cloak and wrapped it around his hand. “What does it look like, Ryen?”

The second man, Ryen, laughed. “A little thief,” he said.

Basir and Ryen exchanged a sly glance and Ryen handed his bow to the nearest man. Ryen’s gaze returned to the woman, who still held a dagger in one hand, and had the other tucked in close to her side. She glared at them as Ryen crouched down and smiled at her. The woman stared at him, confused.

“Well, well, Basir,” he commented. “You’ve caught a little sparrow.” The woman spat at him and he laughed, shaking his head. Ryen looked up at Basir, smiling. “Time to take the mask off, don’t you think?”

Basir nodded and they moved in union; Ryen snatching the dagger out of her hand while Basir ripped the dark cloth away from her face. Ryen shot to his feet and both stepped back as she drew the sword.

“You don’t want to do that,” Basir warned, but the woman wasn’t listening.

Eyes narrowed at the pair, she swung the sword at Ryen’s legs, missing them completely and driving the sword into the gap between two paving stones. Basir glanced at Ryen, who was watching the woman.

“Take me in,” she said and let go of her sword, reaching down to remove the orb from the pouch at her waist. “Take me in.”

Ryen glanced at Basir, who nodded. He turned back to the woman and took the orb from her hand, passing it to Basir. Basir examined the orb while Ryen and another man stood her up and walked her towards the far wall.

Boo! =]

Chapter 1: Caught.

A dark figure ghosted across the roof of one building and leapt for the next roof, floating down to gently land on the second roof The orange bit should not be there, because it means that he's floating down to land on the second roof /as/ he ghosted across the roof of one building and leapt for the next roof, which really makes no sense since he can't do those things at the same time. Also, it's a clunky sentence. Revise.. The figure was a woman, her long hair plaited and reaching the ground in her crouched position. I don't really like this. You spent so many words on something easily leaked to readers by simply referring to her by she.

Shouting and the sounds of men fighting Shouting is kind of part of the sounds of men fighting, and I think you could afford to be a little more descriptive than this. reached her and the woman shot to her feet, her long braid hitting her back as it settled. Another kind of clunky sentence. They were after her, her and the orb. She glanced down at her sword; dark, murky green eyes roamed over it. This last bit feels kind of awkward and weird. I don't know why you're telling us this, or why you lingered over how her eyes looked at this point in time. Maybe later? This is a thrilling scene, so it doesn't feel as if it belongs here.The woman examined the sword for a long moment, watching the unsheathed blade glinting in the starlight. She had to move, and soon. Which makes me wonder what i the world she's doing just standing there admiring her blade. ._. Don't call attention to something you did wrong. ^^"

Twisting the sword so it lay flat against her back Twisting or sheathing? I can understand if she tucked it away into a sheath she kept strapped behind her, but twisting doesn't quite make sense., the woman set off over the rooftops, jumping from one roof to the next and floating down gently. She kept a firm grip on her sword, and checked the pouch at her waist every time she stopped. I'm not sure why she'd keep stopping. It'll only help them catch her quicker.

She reached the edge of the rooftops You mean the last rooftop before a gap too wide to jump? Cause every rooftop has an edge. and gazed down at the large, open area before her, sword held out to her left. The area was lit by a series of lamps; the paved area was clear of guards for the moment, but she should hear them getting closer.

“A courtyard,” she muttered. “Damn it. Always ruins my plans.” If she encountered a courtyard and didn't realize it, she's not a very good planner anyway. oo" With a snort of desertion, she returned her sword to the sheath on her back Wait. Why did she take it out if she was only going to return it? This is making less sense. oo" and checked on the orb again, hiding in the shadows on the roof as a trio of men raced across the courtyard.

“This way!” called one man as he led the other two across the space just below her.

She waited until they menhad passed, then straightened up and stepped up to the edge of the roof. I thought she was already there? Placing her feet about half a metre apart, she smiled and then just let herself fall forward.The beginning of this sentence makes it awkward. Also, smiling makes her seem deranged because it doesn't really fit the moment.

Instead of falling two stories to the ground and seriously injuring herself, the woman just ran down Contradicts with your earlier statement about her falling, not running. the wall and onto the paved ground. She kept running, and was only halfway across the courtyard when the arrow pierced her leg and drove her to the ground.

Crouched Word repetition. in the middle of the courtyard, she looked around frantically, ignoring the pain in her leg as she scanned the edges of the yard. Arrows are very effective, and very painful. It's not likely she can ignore the pain. She knew this courtyard; it was ringed by a series of covered walkways and shojis that lead into rooms... Dramatic ellipses are never good. that belonged to the city guards.

She swore, loudly, and received another arrow to her shoulder. I hope you're aware this line paints her as kind of dumb. How had she managed to dump herself into the training courtyard of the city guards? Amen. The woman scowled; the man must have given her a fake map, or told her to how to read it wrong. But wouldn't she double-check it anyway? I mean, I think I know her job, and if I'm correct, they shouldn't be so trusting. She heard footsteps, and clutching her shoulder, turned towards the man now walking towards her. I have a little bit of a rant about arrows, to be seen later.

“Who are you?” he called. “Where have you been tonight, and what have you stolen?” -o- You mean to tell me they didn't know she really stole something and just shot someone who could have been a civilian? What in the. ._.

“This is none of your business,” she hissed and tried to rise, but with an arrow lodged in her thigh, she couldn’t move. Surprised she's not in more pain.

“It is my business now, girl,” he snapped and reached forwards to rip away the cloth covering the woman’s face. ...If her face was covered, like a ninja, then wouldn't her words be muffled? She lashed out with a dagger, slicing a deep grove into his palm. How can she even move her arm with the arrow embedded in it? The man hissed Word repetition. and reared back, regarding her. “I will say it again; who are you and what have you stolen?”

The woman refused to answer, so the man half-turned away and called for the guards. Another man appeared out of the shadows; he carried a bow and was followed by several others. He joined the first man.

“What have you caught here, Basir?” he asked.

Basir chuckled and ripped a strip of clothe off his cloak and wrapped it around his hand. “What does it look like, Ryen?”

The second man, Ryen, laughed. “A little thief,” he said. =.= I don't know what to feel about these guards. They're not effective at all. "We caught a thief! Let's laugh and make fun of her and not really do anything right now."

Basir and Ryen exchanged a sly glance and Ryen handed his bow to the nearest man. Ryen’s gaze returned to the woman, who still held a dagger in one hand, and had the other tucked in close to her side. She glared at them as Ryen crouched down and smiled at her. The woman stared at him, confused.

“Well, well, Basir,” he commented. “You’ve caught a little sparrow.” The woman spat at him How? Wouldn't her nose and mouth be covered? Or did they just cover her nose? >> and he laughed, shaking his head. Ryen looked up at Basir, smiling. “Time to take the mask off, don’t you think?” Their gloating really kills the realism.

Basir nodded and they moved in unison; Ryen snatching the dagger out of her hand while Basir ripped the dark cloth away from her face. Ryen shot to his feet and both stepped back as she drew the sword. With an arrow on her leg and back? You can't be serious? oo"

“You don’t want to do that,” Basir warned, but the woman wasn’t listening.

Eyes narrowed at the pair, she swung the sword at Ryen’s legs, missing them completely and driving the sword into the gap between two paving stones. Basir glanced at Ryen, who was watching the woman.

“Take me in,” she said and let go of her sword, reaching down to remove the orb from the pouch at her waist. “Take me in.”

Ryen glanced at Basir, who nodded. He turned back to the woman and took the orb from her hand, passing it to Basir. Basir examined the orb while Ryen and another man stood her up and walked her towards the far wall.
Couldn't read the last part. Suspension of disbelief was totally broken by her moving even with arrows stuck to her, and if she could move, then why did she wait so long to move?

Mmmkay. Going to go on with my comments now.

First of all, the prose is clunky. Your sentences are long and they don't read very smoothly, so try to reread them and revise the sentences that make you stumble. The flow is kind of stiff, so fix that too.

You get serious and series mixed up several times there. Series means a succession of things, whereas serious means something that isn't taken lightly.

My biggest problem is with the inconsistencies and unbelievable things I noticed here.

Let me get the arrows over with first. Arrows are not easy weapons to use; whoever can hit someone with them is very trained. Why would they keep a thief alive when they have a clear shot of her neck and head? An arrow is probably strong enough to crack your skull. Also, they're very painful. Every movement will tear the muscle a bit more, so don't tell me she can move with an arrow stuck to her back. Her back, for goodness' sake. She wouldn't be able to move her arms - even worse, she has two arrows in her. oo

Also, I'm not exactly sure how she can talk in a clear voice if her face is covered with a piece of cloth, unless the cloth only covers the nose, in which case it's weird and unexpected. You might want to mention it.

There are a few scenes in this which I'm pretty sure are only for dramatic/cool effect, and not much else, cause they pretty much stand against the sanity in the narrative. Why stop? Why stare at the sword? Why not check a map you're given, if this is what you do for a living? If she knows the roofs were close enough to jump over, I'm guessing she already checked them, so how come she didn't know about the courtyard?

The characterization was not too strong here, as I felt she was your typical ninja chick, but this is only the first chapter, so I expect there's more characterization to come. I won't come down on you too hard for that. The guards, however, are strange. Such undisciplined guards would mean the end of peace and order, you know? An army needs to be disciplined, or else everything will collapse into chaos and when an enemy draws close, the commander cannot execute orders properly - undisciplined soldiers will run on instinct, not stand their ground like they're told to. So maybe fix the attitudes of the guards, or explain (very well) exactly why they can afford to be that way.

Mostly it's the plot and flow I'm worried about, because your prose did a good job of balancing action and description. =] Hope you found this review helpful, Scar!

Sincerely,

Octave

Heya, Scar!

I don't think I've ever actually read anything of yours before besides SB entries, haha. This shall be very interesting! Once I'm finished with my review, if you have any questions or anything, shoot me a PM, write on my wall, respond to this thread or whatever. I'll be more than happy to answer them.

A dark figure ghosted across the roof of one building and leapt for the next roof, floating down to gently land on the second roof.

Attack of the roofs! xD This really stood out to me because it was the opening sentence and it had a repetition in it that read pretty awkwardly. I'd suggest rewriting it, if I were you so that the word roof isn't mentioned quite as much.

I like how you jumped straight into the action with this. I've always been a fan of novels and short stories that don't tip-toe around the place before anything actually happens. I do like some kind of introduction first, of course, but too much of an introduction can bore me. You managed to make it clear what the girl was doing without merely telling us, and it was also enough of an introduction for us to understand what was happening throughout the chapter. You did sometimes misuse your grammar, especially some of your commas, but it's not a huge problem or anything. Overall, I think this has the potential to develop into a cool story.

I have to agree with Octave on what she said about parts of this being inconsistent and a bit realistic at times. Okay, this is a fantasy novel so I'm not expecting everything to be completely normal and realistic, but this chapter on its own doesn't really have any fantasy in it and it's more like action/adventure rather than fantasy. Therefore, the aspects that wouldn't seem so unrealistic if this was a clear fantasy piece do seem more unrealistic because nothing in this novel yet screams fantasy or anything. Octave's gone over examples of this, so I won't dwell on it too much. I definitely think you should think about some aspects of this that could be made a little more realistic and suited to the chapter though.

My other critique is that I have to admit that the girl (the MC?) in this is a rather clichéd character. To me, she seems like your typical ninjaish, tomboy action chick. There's no real depth to her. I don't expect to hear her life story in the first chapter or anything, but I'd at least like to think that I know her somewhat as more than just 'the action chick.' Give her some interesting traits, maybe. It may be a little hard to do in a situation like this because this is an action scene, but you should be able to weave some in amongst the action.

To me, I find character and character development very important to a novel, so I always love reading about characters who are original and interesting. It's not that your character isn't at all interesting or anything, but I think you could try and make her a bit more original.

I certainly think this chapter has great potential and you've set up an intriguing situation here. With some tweaking, I think this could be great. If you take into account what us reviewers have said and will say, then edit the chapter with the help of those critiques, I don't think you'll have too much trouble giving this piece the potential I know it has. You have a couple of minor problems like the odd long sentence here and there, and a tendency to repeat words when they don't need repeating now and then, but there's nothing huge that needs improving technically. A good job, overall!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello,
The other reviews are so long its crazy, I bow down to their awesomeness.

A dark figure ghosted across the roof of one building and leapt for the next roof, floating down to gently land on the second roof. The figure was a woman, her long hair plaited and reaching the round in her crouched position.

I love your use of ghosted in this line, really great imagery. I feel like the 'floating down to gently land on' is not a good fit here, people don't really float down gently when they are jumping. I think you could show she was a woman rather than just point it out, maybe something cheesy like 'the silhouette of a gently curved breast revealed by the glowing moonlight', this is just a suggestion. Or Just refer to her as a she.

The second stanza had a rushed sort of feel at the beginning which I liked, fitted with the actions. Again great imagery but I think there was a misplaced capital.

You have already used 'floating down gently' maybe something else?

The dialogue and the snort really display your character's personality, so far she has an almost Lara Croft feel.

The next few paragraphs are very action based. I like how the paragraphs are short and sharp, adds to the physical action vibe I get.

The dialogue that follows is also very good. All though I think you could have ended the chapter with a little bit more a bang. The cliff hanger is good but it could have done with something more.