Victories of the Heart

BLargh



TROLL

Hey there,

First let me say welcome, and I hope you enjoy your time here at YWS

Sorry for the short review but here goes.
I like the story as a whole, however I have a few comments (as I always do:) ).
One, maybe instead of starting your sentences with 'but' you could find an alternative. It's one of my petty hates to start sentences with 'but' or 'and' but that just may be me.
Two, although the structure through out the story was okay, I do have to question some of the plot. It all seems to have a point in the story, but like (I dressed like Jesus like a boss) I'm not so sure about this part. If you wanted to include it maybe (I dressed like Jesus, like a boss) but I'm still not sure on it.
Three, I noticed your lack of character descriptions, maybe a few explanations of what some characters look like would help. Or even descriptions of surroundings. However I did notice you started to do that more towards the end.
Four, I don't know about the 'sexual favours' it doesn't really seem to be relevant, but that could be just me.

I did like how throughout the story the character was retelling the events; that was intriguing:)

Overall a good plot, nice structure Sorry I'm so picky ... but keep writing and can't wait to see what else you come up with

Enjoy YWS

Well, on the whole, I thought this was good. The grammar was decent, the vocabulary was good, and the plot was okay.

However. my major major major problem with this was that it encompassed so much time in such a short story. It felt like you were trying to blast from one important event to another, which would have been okay if there had been more emotion behind the character. I didn't really feel happy for the guy when he got the girl or sad for him when he didn't. It was too short and not in-depth enough for me to really care about any of the characters. If you had lengthened it a bit and fleshed out the characters it would really improve it.

7/10

(short review is short, but whatevah)