Understanding in a car crash.

Today was the day I died, the final day of my sordid little life yet the beginning of something new. I know what you’re thinking; the pain, the agony, my memories flashing before me but it never happened. No pain, no agony and no regret. No, it was easy, perhaps too easy…

One could even call it beautiful. For the first time in my life I was graceful. My body arched up in the air, the green flashing against the bright azure of the sky, my hair flying before me like a ballerina in a perfect leap ready for her time in the shot light. My face, for a second was perfectly serene, eyes closed, lips gently parted, pink like fresh summer strawberries. It was at that second I accepted, that I embraced death with open arms.

As my body hit the windscreen I could only think of one thing, life. How it had slipped from my fingers, how I spent so many years running after it like a racing greyhound chases an imaginary rabbit only to find out that it was nothing but a stuffed doll, nothing but a shame counterfeit, a fake. I remembered all those days I had spent my days wallowing in an ocean of self loathing, drowning myself in a sea of mediocrity.

I felt the glass splinter underneath me, the screams of my killer falling on deaf ears. I smiled as it shattered rising into the air with me. It glitters in the morning light, a thousand shards of my broken heart flying in the air with me flying beside me, like diamonds in the sky, they shone, so bright, so bright. Why were the last moments always so beautiful? Why could I not appreciate anything until it was almost gone?

I smiled, red gliding across the azure sky. I could see the moon peaking though the endless cerulean sea, the early morning sky, like a silver galleon it sailed past me for the final time, the man in the moon smiling down on me from his heavenly cheesy ball. Memories of innocent childhood lies, of indulgent chocolate pies, of incandescent cat’s eye’s filed my squalid little mind, memories of a childhood gone and past, never to be back again.

My body crumpled over the bonnet, metal crushing under my weight. The power I felt! But power stained with the red of helplessness, the red of blood. I felt like a rag doll flapping in the wind, my beautiful green dress put pulled apart by two different words, the world of fantasy and the world reality. How I spent those days lying in self made pools of disbelief and disenchantment, my nights soaring in the sky of daring dreams searching for the hope that was never to come.

The black bitumen came like the black of night, sending me spiraling into my world of fantasy where my dead day dreams jumped into to life. I felt something caress my cheek, the stinging touch of parental love. Red flew in the air. Screams and honks of the morning traffic shooting off into the sky like fireworks on New Year’s Day. My body tumbled at least freed from the grip of reality, free from the gravity of life. Free from heartbreak, free from pain and free from the lies.

Not for one second did I regret walking in front of that car, not for one second.


Okay, not the shortest thing but your constructive criticism would be lovely.
Also anyone in need of a Art review, please just notify me in your review!

That was awesome. I really liked your approach on death, and how you made it seem more "happy" than most. I'm not a nitpicky person, so I didn't see any word errors. Your language was vivid. I liked this. I have an idea: Maybe you could write about a death that's OPPOSITE from this, you know? Like painful and tragic. It'd be cool to see the stories together, contrasting the other. Just an idea Good job and good luck with future writing.

Hey there Jennya!

I think this wasn't a bad story. I liked the take on it; that she thought death was beautiful, rather than dark and terrifying. Your descriptions were great, but I did find some of them a little repetitive. You referred the sky in the same way twice, as 'bright azure of the sky.' I wouldn't have noticed the repetition of the phrase if you'd used blue instead of azure. Sometimes simple adjectives are better than more flowery ones.

Usually I only highlight the nit-piks, but as this is short, I'll quote the whole piece. My corrections will be in bold and my notes underlined.

Today was the day I died. The (I think the opening would work better and have more impact is the first sentence was split in two.)final day of my sordid little life yet the beginning of something new. I know what you’re thinking; the pain, the agony, my memories flashing before me, but it never happened. No pain, no agony and no regret. No, it was easy, perhaps too easy…

One could even call it beautiful. For the first time in my life I was graceful. My body arched up in the air, the green of my dress(I think this would work better if you state that the flash of green was her dress as it'll enable the reader to imagine the description more) flashing against the bright azure of the sky, my hair flying before me like a ballerina in a perfect leap ready for her time in the spot light. My face, for a second, was perfectly serene; eyes closed, lips gently parted and pink like fresh summer strawberries. It was at that second I accepted, embraced, death with open arms.

As my body hit the windscreen I could only think of one thing; life. How it had slipped from my fingers. How I had spent so many years running after it like a racing greyhound chases an imaginary rabbit, only to find out that it was nothing but a stuffed doll. Nothing but a shame counterfeit. A fake. I remembered all those days I had spent my days I'd nix the bolded parts as it just clutters up the sentencewallowing in an ocean of self loathing, drowning myself in a sea of mediocrity.

I felt the glass splinter beneath me, the screams of my killer falling on deaf ears. I smiled as it shattered, rising into the air with me. It glittered in the morning light, a thousand shards of my broken heart flying in the air beside me. Like diamonds in the sky, they shone, so bright, so bright. Why were the last moments always so beautiful? Why could I not appreciate anything until it was almost gone?

I smiled, red gliding across the blue sky. I could see the moon peaking though the endless cerulean sea, the early morning sky, like a silver galleon. It sailed past me for the final time, the man in the moon smiling down on me from his heavenly cheesy ball. Memories of innocent childhood lies, of indulgent chocolate pies, of incandescent cat’s eye’s filled my squalid little mind. Memories of a childhood gone and past, never to be back again.

My body crumpled over the bonnet, metal crushing under my weight. The power I felt! But power stained with the red of helplessness, the red of blood. I felt like a rag doll flapping in the wind, my beautiful green dress put nix 'put'pulled apart by two different worlds; the world of fantasy and the world reality. How I spent those days lying in self made pools of disbelief and disenchantment and my nights soaring in the sky of daring dreams searching for the hope that was never to come.

The black bitumen came like the black of night, sending me spiraling into my world of fantasy where my dead day dreams jumped into toNix 'to' life. I felt something caress my cheek, the stinging touch of parental love. Red flew in the air. Screams and honks of the morning traffic shot off into the sky like fireworks on New Year’s Eve. My body tumbled, at last freed from the grip of reality, free from the gravity of life. Free from heartbreak, free from pain and free from the lies.

Not for one second did I regret walking in front of that car, not for one second.

***

Most of the changes I made were to break up run-on sentences or just mis-spelled words.

I changed 'New Years Day' to 'Eve' as the fireworks are usually at night/ early morning.

Most of the other changes are self explanitory - punctuation, making the sentence read more smoothly.

The only thing I'd like to add is the ending. Did she step out in front of the car on purpose? If she did, I want to know why. You don't have to add a huge info-dump paragraph, explaining why she did it - that would ruin the feel of the piece anyway. I just think you could maybe add in a small bit of information of why she did it, perhaps when she's saying about the way you never fully appreciate life until you're at the end of it.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Today was the day I died, the final day of my sordid little life yet the beginning of something new. Such a common first sentence. "Today I died." In fact, the first time it was used, it was probably really interesting. Now it's just kind of corny. Try something else. I know what you’re thinking; the pain, the agony, my memories flashing before me - but it never happened. No pain, no agony, and no regret. No, it was easy, perhaps too easy… I don't like this whole paragraph because it's all telling and no showing.

One could even call it beautiful. For the first time in my life I was graceful. My body arched up in the air, the green flashing against the bright azure of the sky Flowery prose., my hair flying before me like a ballerina in a perfect leap ready for her time in the shot light. Overdramatic. My face, for a second was perfectly serene, eyes closed, lips gently parted, pink like fresh summer strawberries. How in the world would she know all this then? You cannot describe your own face unless you're looking at the mirror, or if it's a vague description (like I felt my cheeks heat up, or my jaw dropped a little). Plus, if her eyes were shut all this time, how would she have seen everything else? It was at that second I accepted, that I embraced death with open arms.

As my body hit the windscreen I could only think of one thing: life. It's really too dramatic, I think. How it had slipped from my fingers, how I spent so many years running after it like a racing greyhound chases an imaginary rabbit only to find out that it was nothing but a stuffed doll, nothing but a shameful counterfeit, a fake. All pretty words and no real substance makes the story a dull one. oo I remembered all those days I hadspent my days wallowing in an ocean of self-loathing, drowning myself in a sea of mediocrity. I know we want to avoid beige prose, but going so far into the other direction even unicorns would be alarmed is not a good idea. >>"



I felt the glass splinter underneath me, the screams of my killer Why would the killer scream? falling on deaf ears If the POV character didn't hear it, neither should we. You're flitting outside of the first person POV.. I smiled as it shattered, rising into the air with me. I am going to cut you off here. Know why? Because all this happens in a few seconds. You're dragging it on so long. I can understand elongating it to about a minute, but this sounds like it's an entire play. =.= It's overdone. It glitters in the morning light, a thousand shards of my broken heart flying in the air with me flying beside me, like diamonds in the sky, they shone, so bright, so bright. No, please no. >> I think this would be loads better if you painted it a little more beige than purple. Why were the last moments always so beautiful? Why could I not appreciate anything until it was almost gone? Why do you have time to think of this?

I smiled, red gliding across the azure sky. Blood against sky. She sees blood flying through the sky? You're kidding now. I could see the moon peeking though the endless cerulean sea, the early morning sky, like a silver galleon it sailed past me for the final time, the man in the moon smiling down on me from his heavenly cheesy ball. I'm almost tempted to count how many different ways you can describe the sky. Memories of innocent childhood lies, of indulgent chocolate pies, of incandescent cat’s eyes filed my squalid little mind, memories of a childhood gone and past, never to be back again. Ffffffffffffffffff. >.O"

My body crumpled over the bonnet, metal crushing under my weight. The power I felt! The purple of your prose! ._. But power stained with the red of helplessness, the red of blood. I hate your main character with an undiluted passion at this point. I felt like a rag doll flapping in the wind, my beautiful green dress put pulled apart by two different words Okay tell me. Is she looking down? No? Then why does she know what her dress looks like?, the world of fantasy and the world reality. How I spent those days lying in self made pools of disbelief and disenchantment, my nights soaring in the sky of daring dreams searching for the hope that was never to come.

The black bitumen came like the black of night, sending me spiraling into my world of fantasy where my dead day dreams jumped into to life. I felt something caress my cheek, the stinging touch of parental love. Red flew in the air. Screams and honks of the morning traffic shooting off into the sky like fireworks on New Year’s Day. My body tumbled at least freed from the grip of reality, free from the gravity of life. Free from heartbreak, free from pain and free from the lies.

Not for one second did I regret walking in front of that car, not for one second.

I didn't read the last two paragraphs.

I'm going to be harsh and as completely honest as I can possibly be.

I get the idea, and I understand the point, but I don't like the execution.

At all.

._.

There is too much purple prose in here. It's like word vomit and a thesaurus both. o.e I understand you want to paint it as beautiful, but it's so overdramatized it makes me feel a little sick and woozy. >.O You're repetitive and you take so long to get to a point I got before you even finished the story. >>"

You also break the first person POV so many times. See, if you write this in first person, you can afford to lengthen it, make it last a few more seconds than it really does, but you can't describe it that way because even if she did see it that way, a car crash doesn't end beautifully. Nor does she really fly into the air. I'm pretty sure she more or less bangs her head into the dashboard and that's the end of it. Or the airbag pops out and suffocates her/causes a huge head injury if she's young enough. ._. If you want her thrown into the air, you'll need to find an explosion or something similar. A car crash won't fling her into the sky and produce that mass of descriptions you did. Plus, even if I suspend my disbelief and decide to go with the idea that she got flung into the air, it still won't make sense. She doesn't see herself doing this, okay? You narrate it as if you're a third person watching the whole thing (and almost in a voyeuristic way, as if he's getting some sort of sick pleasure from watching it), but you're actually in first person. You'll need to work on that.

Basically, this is a scene, and sort of drabble-ish, so I'm not going to go deep into it because if you strip away majority of the flowery prose, you'll probably have less than two hundred words left. I'm going to advise you to do that, because it's just really difficult to get through, thick as it is with flowery prose. There's a difference between beautiful imagery and description overdose, and you went straight past imagery into the latter.

Sorry again for being so harsh, but I really had to point it out. >.O" Maybe others like it, though, and I'm just oversensitive to this stuff because I've never really been big on description. >>" Take my words with a grain of salt.

Sincerely,

Octave

I love this, I never thought of death this way, I like how you put such a depressing event like a crash and made it so beautiful well done.

Today was the day I died, the final day of my sordid little life yet the beginning of something new. I know what you’re thinking; the pain, the agony, my memories flashing before me but it never happened. No pain, no agony and no regret. No, it was easy, perhaps too easy…
One could even call it beautiful. for some reason I think you should start with the second sentence of this paragraphFor the first time in my life I was graceful. My body arched up in the air, the green flashing against the bright azure of the sky, my hair flying before me like a ballerina in a perfect leap ready for her time in the shot light here, I don't know what the green represents. I'm imagining flashing green lights, but I know that's wrong.. My face, for a second was perfectly serene, eyes closed, lips gently parted, pink like fresh summer strawberries. It was at that second I accepted, that I embraced death with open arms.

As my body hit the windscreen I could only think of one thing, life. How it had slipped from my fingers, how I spent so many years running after it like a racing greyhound chases an imaginary rabbit only to find out that it was nothing but a stuffed doll, nothing but a shame counterfeit, a fake. I remembered all those days I had spent my days wallowing in an ocean of self loathing, drowning myself in a sea of mediocrity.

I felt the glass splinter underneath me, the screams of my killer falling on deaf ears. I smiled as it shattered rising into the air with me. It glitters in the morning light, a thousand shards of my broken heart flying in the air with me flying beside me, like diamonds in the sky, they shone, so bright, so bright. Why were the last moments always so beautiful? Why could I not appreciate anything until it was almost gone? The imagery is great, but I have trouble imagining anyone smiling during those split seconds of a car crash.

I smiled, red gliding across the azure sky. I could see the moon peaking though the endless cerulean sea, the early morning sky, like a silver galleon it sailed past me for the final time, the man in the moon smiling down on me from his heavenly cheesy ball to me, this felt a tiny bit silly. Memories of innocent childhood lies, of indulgent chocolate pies, of incandescent cat’s eye’s filed my squalid little mind huh?, memories of a childhood gone and past, never to be back again.

My body crumpled over the bonnet, metal crushing under my weight. The power I felt! But power stained with the red of helplessness, the red of blood. I felt like a rag doll flapping in the wind, my beautiful green dress put pulled apart by two different words, the world of fantasy and the world reality. How I spent those days lying in self made pools of disbelief and disenchantment, my nights soaring in the sky of daring dreams searching for the hope that was never to come.

The black bitumen came like the black of night, sending me spiraling into my world of fantasy where my dead day dreams jumped into to life. I felt something caress my cheek, the stinging touch of parental love eh, i don't really get this part either. Red flew in the air. Screams and honks of the morning traffic shooting off into the sky like fireworks on New Year’s Day. My body tumbled at least freed from the grip of reality, free from the gravity of life. Free from heartbreak, free from pain and free from the lies.

Not for one second did I regret walking in front of that car, not for one second.

Actually, the ending surprised me. I thought this was a complete accident, and that the girl was flying through the windshield of her car after being hit. Only until the last line did I realize it was suicide.

Without the title, I would've been completely lost in the beginning at what was happening. The way you describe flying through the air, it could've been anything. I was pretty confused from the start, but then caught on that it was a car crash x) Also, when you jump in front of a car and get hit, you hardly to flips like a ballerina. It's pretty much just... splat.

The part that confused me the most was the voice of the narrator, she just seemed so content and peaceful during this whole thing that it was hard to imagine her being severely depressed. She actually seems to be enjoying life and reveling in her own emotions rather than being emotionally dead. You even described her as having strawberry lips and a pretty green dress. So that felt odd to me.

Overall, great imagery, but many things just did not add up for me. I'm glad I read this though!
Let me know if any of this didn't make sense or if you've got questions!
Oh, and thanks for liking my art
black