I disagree with bsbfan. I think this is a very clever piece, especially because it is so short. I especially like the line "an echo of silence". This is a very clever line. One thing to improve though: I think it could do with a little punctuation. Full stops at the end of the last line and second line, and either a full stop, comma, colon, or semi colon at the end of the first line would help this piece read much more smoothly.
Overall, I quite like this. Short and sharp, communicates the point, and forces the audience to think.
K
Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
With the poem, what you've written so far is great. The description of the setting you've given us is written brilliantly. You've even put rhyme in there, which I think you did pretty well.
But what I want to know is: What happens? What happens in the halls? Why is the narrator there in the first place? There are a whole lot of things you can do with this poem. At the moment, you've given us this beginning, we've glimpsed the story through a window, what we want to do is get inside the window and know the story completely. I think that you can most definitely expand this poem. Tell us more, show us. Turn the description of a lonely hall you've given us into a story.
I think that the actual content of the poem can be expanded. But what you've got so far is fantastic. I think that the words you uses to construct the lines made it so. But, I'd really like to see this poem to be turned into a story of some sorts. Or if not a story, an emotion: love, sadness, loneliness, rejection, etc. I think that if you do that, the poem would have more meaning and story behind it. Plus, you've alreayd got yourself a really great start.
This reminds me a lot of Ezra Pound's "In the Station of the Metro". Here's his poem:
The apparition of these faces in the crowd; Petals on a wet, black bough.
That's the entire poem.
Your poem gave me a similar feel because of the simplicity of it and the eeriness it expressed. The imagery of your poem is dark. The theme of it is quite haunting and you made it that way just by the words you used and the voice of it.
I like the fact that your poem is short and simple but it got to the point and told us a story that left us to wonder. overall I enjoyed it and agree that you need puncutation somewhere in the second to last line or the last line. I'de love to read more of your work. keep up the good work!
I totally agree with H. Smith. This piece takes me back in time when I used to sit on the back of the amphitheater years ago. I would listen carefully to the lecturer talking about the era of " Imagism" , a movement in early 20th- century which is mostly known for it's " Directness of presentation and economy of language. Imagists like Ezra pound, T.S. Eliot and many others, including women, were isolating objects through the use of " luminous details". I am not pretty sure whether this movement is named avant-garde art too which includes "cubism."
This poem is very much similar to those pieces of that movement. The poet succeeded in picturing a scene going straight to the point, directly presenting his work using less words. Here where strength lies: Communicating the point, as a previous reviewer mentioned, in luminous breath-taking way.
To go back to the poem, the picture of being stuck helplessly wondering through the hall was conveyed in a brilliant sophisticated manner. Moreover, the feeling of silence and sadness could be felt by the reader himself! The power of the image got the reader involved with the artistic piece, its shining wonder was shared by the receiver.
To me this piece is like a fine painting , and when you look at it closely you get overwhelmed by its beauty and after you keep looking you understand what the painter intended to impart to the world.
I do like your work tremendously and I want to read more . Noureddine
