(no name)example peice

it was far too late for me to make any more apoligies, and i had made 3 phone calls too many. i retained an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach as i was sickened by the unfamiliar face that stood before me in my murky mirror. like my life two years back was set, i was an a student who always strived to be her best and although i wasnt number one on my shcools social statistics chart i very emotionally as well as physicaly content in life. my priority was my work ethic and my efforts on the debate team but like my work ethic and old frumpy fashions, i had banished it from my world for the materialistic lifestyle of tiffany, michelle, and mya who offered me the acceptance and life i craved .in the end i realized nothing was wrong with me before,becoming what other girls and myself dreamed of has managed to pull me away from the actual people in this world who cared for me.i carelessly flung myself on my bed awaiting the next day when my phone starting ringing.i thought to myself could it be james?
"no hes way to upset with me"i said getting off my bed, although i secretly hoped it was him.
"hello"a chill ran across my shoulder as i inticipated a voice to acknowledge me.

Hey Ire

Firstly let me start by saying that I like the ideas behind your piece. I can relate to that idea and almost need to fit in and be popular because I went through a rough time once when I tried to do just that. There were quite a few mistakes in this though so this is your piece as it is:

it was far too late for me to make any more apoligies, and i had made 3 phone calls too many. i retained an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach as i was sickened by the unfamiliar face that stood before me in my murky mirror. like my life two years back was set, i was an a student who always strived to be her best and although i wasnt number one on my shcools social statistics chart i very emotionally as well as physicaly content in life. my priority was my work ethic and my efforts on the debate team but like my work ethic and old frumpy fashions, i had banished it from my world for the materialistic lifestyle of tiffany, michelle, and mya who offered me the acceptance and life i craved .in the end i realized nothing was wrong with me before,becoming what other girls and myself dreamed of has managed to pull me away from the actual people in this world who cared for me.i carelessly flung myself on my bed awaiting the next day when my phone starting ringing.i thought to myself could it be james?

"no hes way to upset with me"i said getting off my bed, although i secretly hoped it was him.

"hello"a chill ran across my shoulder as i inticipated a voice to acknowledge me.

and this is how it would be with the changes I have made - just to spelling and punctuation and to bits that don't make sense

It was far too late for me to make any more apoligies and I had already made three phone calls too many. I retained an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach as I was sickened by the unfamiliar face that stood before me in my murky mirror. Two years ago I was an a student who always strived to be her best and although I wasnt number one on my schools social statistics chart I was very emotionally, as well as physicaly, content in life. My priority was my work ethic and my efforts on the debate team but like my work ethic and old frumpy fashions, I had banished even that from my world for the materialistic lifestyle of Tiffany, Michelle, and Mya who offered me the acceptance and life I craved. In the end I realized nothing was wrong with me before. Becoming what other girls and myself dreamed of has managed to pull me away from the actual people in this world who cared for me.

I carelessly flung myself on my bed awaiting the next day when my phone starting to ring. I thought to myself could it be james?

"No he's way to upset with me," I said to myself, getting off my bed, although I secretly hoped it was him.

"Hello?"
A chill shook through me as I inticipated the voice that was shortly to acknowledge me.

That's just the nit-picky stuff Other than that I really like the ideas behind it the only thing that I don't understand is the first line? And also I would like to hear more of what is going to happen because as a short story this doesn't really stand alone - it needs a bit of explaination Unless this is part of a novel? In which case you should really have uploaded it into the General Fiction Novels section But not to worry you are new to YWS after all

Anyway, I enjoyed your piece especially because I could relate to the feeling and I thought you brought them across very well

Keep Writing,
Lydia

Hi ire

I see you're also new to the site, how are you finding it so far?

As you put in the title I can see that this must be just a small example of your writing? Although I was wondering where it came from? Is it an extract from a larger piece you have written, or something which you just wrote off the top of your head that you're not sure what to do with next? If I know the context it was written in, I might be able to give you a more helpful critique. Perhaps you could put it as a spoiler? (I'm not 100% sure how this works since I'm new but I have seen it in other people's writing) Because it's such a small section of writing I'm wary of forming too much of an opinion in terms of subject etc..

As for what's there of the text, it looks like you need to do quite a bit of proof reading. Capitalisation, punctuation mainly there was only one spelling mistake, I also noticed that there were a few words missing. I have highlighted the parts I can see which need correction...

ire123 wrote:It was far too late for me to make any more apoligies, and I had made 3 phone calls too many. I retained an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach as I was sickened by the unfamiliar face that stood before me in my murky mirror. Like my life two years back was set, i was an a student who always strived to be her best and, although I wasnt number one on my shcools social statistics chart, I was very emotionally as well as physicaly content in life. My priority was my work ethic and my efforts on the debate team but, like my work ethic and old frumpy fashions, I had banished it from my world for the materialistic lifestyle of Tiffany, Michelle, and Mya who offered me the acceptance and the [you don't really need to add this in here but I think it sounds a little more clear] life i craved. In the end i realized nothing was wrong with me before. Becoming [seperating this into two sentences sounds clear and much more direct, more of a forceful realization] what other girls and myself dreamed of has [the rest of what you have written is past tense so try and stick with that] managed to pull me away from the actual people in this world who cared for me. I carelessly flung myself on my bed awaiting the next day when my phone starting ringing. I thought to myself, could it be James?
"No, hes way to upset with me." I said getting off my bed, although I secretly hoped it was him.
"Hello?" a chill ran across my shoulders as i anticipated a voice to acknowledge me.

My guess would be that this is the opening of a story? Is there more which you will be posting?

Feel free to ask if there's anything I have written which you're unsure about, and I'd be happy to help you more in terms of subject matter if you tell us a little more about this piece?

Hope I helped a bit!
-Cielo-

EDIT: I see Lydia beat me to the corrections! haha, which makes my critique a bit less helpful, but hopefully I managed to help you a little too!