Separate Lives

I wish I could just place you on my back,
Pack all the moments and put them inside a sack,
Protect you from harm then attack,
Duck when they try to destruct.
if you're only near,
if you're only here.
Slowly, we can only watch the moments disappear.
Although some are still unclear.
Just so you know,
It's hard to let go.
I've been crazy and I just won't let it show.
I'm still here thinking of you
and I can feel the pain like you do.

I really enjoyed this poem, sometimes poems that rhyme are kid-like but this one has strong emotion and i love that.

Hello there

Nitpicks:

I wish I could just place you at my back,

- It supposed to be 'on' and not 'at my back'.

Pack all the moments and put it inside a sack,

- The 'it' should be 'them' because 'moments' are plural.

Protect you from harm then attack,

- This seemed rather short. Maybe, add 'and' after 'harm'.

Dock when they try to destruct.

- Correction: 'Duck'
- Also, the 'destruct' doesn't seem to be a good rhyme to the previous last words.

if you're only near,
if you're only here.

- The 'i's' should be capitalized since all of the other first letters are.
- Anyway, this sentence is incomplete.

I know, you won't just let it...

- I think it's better if you put 'just' after 'you'.


I love this poem. The rhymes are just so great and the poem has such a good rhythm in it. The voice of the persona is strong and I can feel the emotion coming from it. Nice job! The only problems were the mistakes which I mentioned in my nitpicks.

Never stop writing!

very soulful

This poem is actually really good!! so much emotion behind those words. Wisperer is right if you change it to what he posted for you it would make it way better. Keep up the good work!!