Nightshift

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Author's Note: I know the prologue isn't very long and I'm sorry for that. I am actually still working on Chapter 1 so it will be a while... I will try to make this longer and better since I wrote this a long time ago. The first character seen here's name is pronounced Gr-on and his hometown is pronounced See-nee-a

Prologue

It was a dark; gloomy night as some people would call it. The streets of the small town were dark, the street lamps flickered as if threatening to burn out any minute. There was no life active, except for a big black cloud that shrouded the area. Its death-like scent infected the air around it. A figure stood in the shadows, watching the dense cloud grow bigger. It was a teenager, with dark brown hair and burning purple eyes. A triangle symbol bearing bandanna was wrapped around his forehead. He wore regular blue jeans and a pale blue shirt, and to almost anyone, he looked like any average teenager. The only exception besides the purple eyes was that he was wielding a big broad sword, which was held tightly in his hand. The teen put his hand to his head as a powerful voice forced itself into his mind. "Gron! Have you analyzed the situation?" the voice demanded. Gron just sneered at the voices impatience, "And you don't think I'm doing my job? What do you think I was doing the past three hours?" he grumbled. The voice did not respond for some time, then replied in a much sharper tone. "I am being serious Gron!Stay focused and don't do anything stupid! It's important that this mission is completed!" The voice snapped, causing Gron to wince. Gron sighed and fixed his gaze onto the expanding cloud. "You know I will complete this mission! I have to, if it means saving Senea.." and Gron's voice trailed off from there. Senea, his home, the cloud was dissolving everyone he knew and loved, and now it has broken through to the Human world. He had to complete this mission or it would mean that Senea was destroyed for nothing. "Good, now get going. It is your time yet again." the voice said, then he felt it disperse. Gron looked at the horizon, where the sun was just beginning to rise. In a flash of light, his sword vanished and was replaced by a green cell phone, which he slipped into his pocket. Gron sighed in exhaustion, he was up all night and now was to go live among the humans. Gron stepped out of the shadows and headed down the street. He headed down to his next destination. A small bus stop, then, the dreaded thing they call 'High School'.



Author's Note: Again, I'm sorry if it's too short. I will try to make it longer and less confusing. This is my first post too so.... I still hoped you enjoyed the Prologue of 'Nightshift'!
I am young. But watch out

I'm the hero! In writing and in life!




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Hey there,


So I'm not really into this genre normally (so I can't really give a great review), but the title caught my attention, and now i'm really glad I read it :) Apart from the obvious ( the shortness of the prologue) I think that it is pretty good, the descriptions are good, and your plot line is interesting even if it is slightly mysterious :)
Also I have to say I love the last line of this 'the dreaded thing they call 'High School'. It's so true :)
Overall I like this story and would love to see where it goes, keep writing :)




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Hi!

Nitpicks:

Spoiler
So, this prologue has a huge paragraph. Massive. It'd be much, much easier to read if you space it our more. A bit like this:

bazasho wrote:It was a dark; (1) gloomy night as some people would call it. The streets of the small town were dark, the (2) street lamps flickered as if threatening to burn out any minute. There was no life active (3), except for a big black cloud that shrouded the area. Its death-like scent infected the air around it.

A figure stood in the shadows, watching the dense cloud grow bigger. It was a teenager, with dark brown hair and burning purple eyes. A triangle symbol bearing bandanna was wrapped around his forehead. He wore regular blue jeans and a pale blue shirt, and to almost anyone, he looked like any average teenager. The only exception besides the purple eyes was that he was wielding a big broad sword, which was held tightly in his hand. (4) The teen put his hand to his head as a powerful voice forced itself into his mind.

"Gron! Have you analyzed the situation?" the voice demanded.

Gron just sneered at the voice's impatience, "And you don't think I'm doing my job? What do you think I was doing the past three hours?" he grumbled.

The voice did not respond for some time, then replied in a much sharper tone. "I am being serious Gron!Stay focused and don't do anything stupid! It's important that this mission is completed!" The (5) voice snapped, causing Gron to wince.

Gron sighed and fixed his gaze onto the expanding cloud. "You know I will complete this mission! I have to, if it means saving Senea..." and Gron's voice trailed off from there. Senea, his home, the cloud was dissolving everyone he knew and loved and now it has broken through to the Human world(6). He had to complete this mission or it would mean that Senea was destroyed for nothing.

"Good, now get going. It is your time yet again." the voice said, then he felt it disperse. Gron looked at the horizon, where the sun was just beginning to rise. In a flash of light, his sword vanished and was replaced by a green cell phone, which he slipped into his pocket. Gron sighed in exhaustion, he was up all night (7) and now was to go live among the humans. Gron stepped out of the shadows and headed down the street. He headed down to his next destination. A small bus stop, then, the dreaded thing they call 'High School'.



So, with the paragraphing, it's important that you start a new paragraph every time a new idea is introduced, you also need a new line for speech. You can't just smash everything together.

1. I think that a comma would work much better.
2. I'd recommend that you get rid of the 'the' as that would only be repeating what the beginning of the sentence has stated.
3. Life active sounds really awkward. What about just 'life about' or something simple.
4. Info-dumping. Information that's important can not be thrown out there in a single paragraph. For one, readers probably wouldn't remember the info at a later date. It's usually best if you space it out and gradually give the info.
5. 'The' doesn't need to be capitalised. Says Demeter
6. This part sounds confusing. "The cloud was dissolving everyone he knew and loved" this sounds as if the cloud has single handedly dissolved his love ones. Is that what you meant to say? Because that's what I got from it. Overall, I think that this sentence has too much information that needs to be explained out a bit more clearly.
7. Maybe explain why he was up all night.


Sorry for being so nit-picky. So, with my overall impression of the story, well, you've presented us this mystery: Who's the voice? Who's this Gron? Is he human? What's Senea exactly and what's happened to it?

It's all good to keep up the intrigue, but I think that you need to explain things a bit more, there's a fine line between being mysterious and not giving us enough information. We definitely need more info, because this story got a little bit confusing. I think that you need to tell us a bit of back story. What happened before? How did things got to the way it is now? The best way I could think of doing that is probably with a prologue, but since this is already a prologue, what about flashbacks or something similar. Maybe even lengthen the story so that it has the chance to explain itself.

So, there's a lot of unanswered question within this piece, I think it'd be really good if you can somehow slip those infos in without info-dumping it. Sorry if I sounded harsh. :)




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Nightshift... Interesting title... It fitted your interesting and mysterious story.

I will leave the "nitpick" part to others, but story wise,
it left me questioning, who is Gron? What are they?! So that's what good about a prologue, you need to hang the suspense but you should not lack in giving information... Nice job! I'm looking forward for the first chapter :) keep me updated ok?
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