You Can't Erase Ch 4.1

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Actually it's the end of chapter three because I didn't post all of it and then what I have of chapter four.
Spoiler
I have changed the time from saying "23 years earlier" "16 years later" to the actual years because that is a lot less confusing


2011
I walked into the living room with the postcard in hand - rubbing my thumb nervously over the glossy picture on the front. Sam was sitting on the couch where I left her, holding her laptop. She didn’t acknowledge my existence but continued typing furiously into the instant messaging window on the screen.

“Hey Sam,” I said, stepping lightly as if that would help. She didn’t say anything. “We got a postcard from your dad.” Sam liked the notes as much as I did and betrayed herself to get it from me.

“Watcha doin?” I asked when she had finished reading it.
She muttered, “Nothing that you would care about.”
I cringed, “How do you know?”
“Because you don’t care about anything that makes me happy.”
Ouch. “That’s not true, honey.”

“Yeah?” She said, sharply. “Well, Brent Ryans is on tour and he is coming here on May 20th. And I would love to see him but since you have some weird hatred for everything I love I guess that won’t be happening.”

I winced because she was absolutely right. I didn’t want her to to see Brent. I didn’t want him any where near my daughter. But, this wasn’t about me. “Well, why don’t you go?”
She seemed skeptical, “You’ll let me?”

“Yes- I’ll- I’ll even buy you the ticket.”
When she realized that I was serious, her face brightened. She jumped up off the couch and wrapped her skinny arms around my neck, “Oh, thank you, Mommy!”
I was glad to have my daughter back.


1988
I couldn’t believe her, that evil, conniving little bitch. I was fuming as I hurried down the hallway, the image still plastered in my head. She thinks she’s being sneaky, she thinks she’s hiding it from me. Two can play at that game.

I shoved through the doorway into math just as the bell was ringing. Mrs. D eyed me as I took my seat.

“You look like your on a war path,” Caroline commented under her breath. “Did something happen?”

I just looked at her, wondering what to tell her. Anna and I had been talking about Brent for weeks and Caroline was generally against him, arguing that he wasn’t good for either of us. “Don’t you see? He wants sex, he’s the type of kid that can’t think of anything else,” she would say. At first I assumed she was right, but then he started noticing me, and when he talked I knew there was more to him then the stereotype. But no, Caroline would not understand the anger - the jealousy that was building up inside me now. She wouldn’t understand the way my insides seemed to collapse when I saw her standing in the corner of the hall with him. The way she leaned towards him, flipped her hair and giggled. I saw right through it but he gave her that smile, that smile belonged to me.

“Nothing,” I muttered. Fortunately, Caroline couldn’t question further because Mrs. D came by and demanded we show the homework.

But the image was still in my head. She was trying to take him from me. Part of me knew that she had as much right to talk to him as I did, he was not mine - not yet.
I thought to myself, this means war.

Chapter 4

1995
“I can’t.” I gripped onto the armrests of the desk chair I was sitting in until my knuckles turned white. I was shaking.
Brandon stood before me, pale. He said, “you have to.” Both our eyes fell simultaneously at the puddle on the floor where I had previously been standing. I was going to be sick. “Every single book says that this is the time we should be heading to the hospital.” He waved a couple of books in front of my face as if I needed proof. When he found out I was pregnant, Brandon had gone out and bought every book he could find on pregnancy. In the past nine months he had managed to read and memorize every single one. That’s how Brandon did everything, with books.

“I want to wait,” I said sternly. “It’ll be fine.”
“No,” he stuttered, and began flipping through one of the books, “look, look here it says-” I stood up, snatching the book away from him, but before I could say anything a pain ripped through my stomach. I clenched the book in my fingers and felt the color drain from my face.

“Are you oh-” Brandon said but I had already bent over and moaned. “Oh, it’s a- a-” Brandon said, flipping through yet another one of his pregnancy books. The pain started to subside and I stood up again. Grabbing his arm I said hoarsely, “Let’s go.’ And dragged him towards the door.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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Hi,

WOAH! Caroline is trying to steal her man?! Oh, hell naw! Haha, I LOVE THIS!!! It is so well written it makes me want to cry...*Sniffles* It's just so good. Anyways, I did see some gramamr issues, but that's okay! :D Good job! I can't wait to read more! You NEED to tell me when you post!

Farewell,
A.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.




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Well finally I've reached the chapter you actually wanted reviewing! After this, if you post any more, either write on my wall or send me a pm to let me know and I'll come back and continue reviewing :)

Line-By-Line

2011
I walked into the living room with the postcard in hand - [Why a dash? That's a very strange use of punctuation! A comma would work much better here as a dash is too big a break. Dashes should be used to add on extra information that is related to but not always directly connecting to the previous half of the sentence.] rubbing my thumb nervously over the glossy picture on the front. Sam was sitting on the couch where I left her, holding her laptop. She didn’t acknowledge my existence but continued typing furiously into the instant messaging window on the screen.

“Hey Sam,” I said, stepping lightly as if that would help. She didn’t say anything. “We got a postcard from your dad.” Sam liked the notes as much as I did and betrayed herself to get it from me. [I want to see more of her reaction. Betrayed herself leaves too much to the imagination. Does she pause for a moment, indecisively and then turn around to snatch it from her hand? Or does she turn around and take it in a steady I'm-totally-still-mad-at-you kind of way?]

She muttered, “Nothing that you would care about.” [Just like that she breaks a three day silence? There needs to be more to it. Some hesitation. More attempts. Or a trade off. Like, you don't get this postcard until you talk to me.]

[Good proggression here. The last few paragraphs are certainly the best of this section.]

“You look like your [Needs to be 'you're'. In modern teenage dialogue your would be fine but it's a thing of our generation and not found as often twenty years ago.] on a war path,” Caroline commented under her breath. “Did something happen?”

[Well there's certainly more action/ events in this section which was nice but I still think it's moving too slowly and what's with all these flash-backs? The back story of her being pregnant is pretty dull. I don't really care about Sam's father or what went on there, not right now. You haven't interested me enough in that side of the story so I'd rather be hearing about the Brent guy. It's rare that I tell someone to speed up but I think that's what you need to do. There's no distinct plot line yet. Or at least nothing linear and it's hard to care about side plots before we've got somewhere with the main one.

No new comments on description and such. Pretty much what I said for the earlier chapters is relevant here as well. But thanks, it's been a pretty alright read despite not being the sort of genre I usually read. Good luck with the rest of it!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



sometimes i'm like "I should say something quotable to make it into the quote gen" but then I feel bad because quote gen quotes are very spontaneous
— theromanticchemist