Remy

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Remy
By: Misty Lynn Ellingburg
(2/13/06)

1

I first met Remy at the Tinseltown movie theatre in upstate New York. I had been OTR for two weeks, long since run out of money and felt intense hunger like a beast inside of me. Since Tinseltown was one of my fave hangouts before I ran off, I knew the entrances back and front, and there happened to be one fire exit in movie theatre 4 that wouldn’t lock from the outside. So I would sneak in, get extra large popcorns and pops from the garbage, and use the free refill system to eat.

I was hanging out around the bathroom just before the end of some crap slasher flick, waiting for the massive crowd to come out so I could make sure I grabbed the garbage after a hot girl dumped it instead of an old fat geezer, when I saw Remy. She was walking down the isle, gazing at posters half-heartedly and sipping on a soda. Extra large, too. But she was kind of like, slim, so you wouldn’t figure her for an extra large girl. Every once in awhile she would see a poster that really pleased her, then she’d cock her head to one side and smile all huge, and I started to really like that smile.

I sat down on the little bench and was happy to just watch her walk around. She would flip her hair every once in awhile, or scratch her neck like she didn’t know she was being watched. Just as she walked past, I cleared my throat. It was an accident. I hadn’t actually meant to call all that attention to myself. She stopped dead in her tracks, looked at me, then smiled this big old grin like I was an old pal from pre-school or something.

“Hi!” she said brightly.

“Oh, uh, hey,” I responded automatically.

“Does the movie suck?”

“Huh?”

“The movie you want to see. Does it suck? Because otherwise why are you wasting your money just sitting around out here instead of sitting around in there? Or maybe has it not started yet? So that’s why you’re here? Anyway I’m Remy!” she pronounced it Reemy and stuck out her hand. I took it and shook it, dumbfounded.

“So, does it then?”

“Huh?”

“The movie? Does it suck?”

“Oh, no, it hasn’t started yet,” I lied, cocking my head just slightly and clearing my throat.

She sat down next to me, crossed her legs exuberantly and asked, in a sing-song voice, “Which one are you seeing?”

“Huh? Oh, uh…” I looked around at the movie titles. “I was just gonna see that, uh, that…”

“The slasher flick? Don’t tell me you were going to see the slasher flick. Like, how totally cheesy are those? You can completely tell that the blood is fake.”

“Actually, a lot of them aren’t fake, you know. Snuff films are getting popular too. I don’t know how they get away with murdering those people, though, Unless they’re enemies of the country or something.”

I think that was the most I had ever said at one time. And she was a total stranger.

“Oh God, I know,” she giggled, then turned suddenly serious. “I think it’s horrible. Ultra horrible, where the country is going. Where the world is going really. Like, did you know a hundred years ago killing was illegal? Except for government, but they couldn’t show that in a theatre, though.”

“Uh huh,” I replied. My stomach chose just that instant to growl ferociously, like a scary animal in the wilderness. I flinched.

“Eat much?” she asked with a laugh.

“Ah, no. OTR.”

“On the run? For reals? Who. Meg who. Why for?”

“Uh…stuff…you know…just…”

“Oh I got it. I’m being meg personal. I’ll stop. Hah. So yeah, why don’t we filch an extra large out of the garbage when the slasher flick gets out and capitalize off the free refill policy?”

“You do that too?”

She held up her beverage to me. “Where else would I get $6.75? I mean I have a crappy job down at the mini-mart Restaurant Extravaganza but I’m not about to spend my sweat and blood on a soda, you know? ‘specially when you can get one for freakin’ free if you play your cards right.” She laughed again. She had an amazing laugh.

“Remy?” I said questioningly.

“That’s me!”

“Do you always talk to random strangers?”

“No, not always. But yes, most of the time.” She laughed. “Why do you ask?”

“Just checking.”

“Yeah it’s a great thing to do if you’re bored or alone. You can make some awesome friends not to mention I’ve got shit else to do. My friends-the real friends you know from school and work and whatnot-they all think I’m crazy, but there you go!”

“Oh.” There was a rather awkward pause, then I said, “Hey look the movie’s ending.”

There was a massive tide of bodies and Remy and I stood up to catch a bucket. After the tide thinned, Remy plunged out, holding a popcorn bucket.

“Man we were all over that!” she exclaimed, holding it up. “Let’s get some dinner and spit dude. I’ve got plans tonight and you’re welcome to tag along.”

We went to the popcorn stand, and Remy worked the charm while I watched, then, eating the popcorn, we made for the escalators.

2


The escalators are meg scary if you haven’t been on them before. They’re pretty much the way the general public gets form one location to another. Basically you pay your quarter to the attendant at the main gate and get on a stair them shoom! You’re going a hundred miles an hour and holding on for dear life. Six seconds later you’ll be at the next stop, pay a quarter, get on, shoom! And so on. Gets you across town, across the state, across the country basically for the price of a handful of quarters. More efficient than cars, which ate the ozone, except for short journeys in which case you have to take the trolley.

Apparently Remy and I weren’t going on a short journey.

“Hey, you know what?” she told me, getting off of the third escalator and paying a quarter for both of us. “I don’t know your name!”

“Oh. It’s Jordan.”

“Great to meet you, Jordan. Meg great,” she extended her hand again, so I shook it again as I smiled.

Remy was oddball. I noticed that at the beginning. But it wasn’t just the way she talked and acted that was oddball. Her clothes were oddball too. Like, meg different. Most girls I knew wore like, these environment friendly get-ups that were supposedly re-usable like made of plastic. So they’d be wearing either these super durable shiny plastic get-ups or else stuff made of special cloth, always special-tailored in the specific style girls wear these days. But Remy’s clothes were different. She had on something I thought were called jeans, just meg mutilated. And over it she had on a mini-dress made of gray cloth, that buttoned over the top half with big black buttons. Her shoes were like ballerina slippers and also gray. Her hair wasn’t shortish and parted in the middle like every other girl I knew, either. It was quite long, wavy and parted to the side, with a small gray hair bow pinned at one side.

She saw me looking at her and smiled. “Like the get-up?”

“It’s spiff.”

“If by spiff you mean weird, then yeah, it’s spiff. Way spiff. Oddball too, but we won’t go there.”

I laughed and clutched onto my backpack as we got onto another escalator. I thought I could probably look at Remy all day for infinity, she was so interesting, Pretty, but interesting. I had a feeling she was analyzing me too, so we would just stand there in silence analyzing each other.

She had arched eyebrows. Somehow she made then grow that way. I thought that was different but also really sexy. Most girls I knew had kind of bushy eyebrows. Her eyes were gray like her cloth dress and hair bow and ballet shoes, really pretty gray. Her nose was sort of smallish and on the pretty side, her lips were big but not meg huge. They were pink. Not like lip-glossy pink, but sort of rose-petal pink. It was a nice pink. She had very smooth, very pale skin. I thought she was beautiful.

“Off we go,” she said in that melodic voice, and we stepped off of the escalator. Instead of getting onto the next one we ducked over and under the rest of the escalators into a free-zone.

We were at the Shoddies. The Shoddies, yeah, it wasn’t such a hot neighborhood. Basically it was row after row of box shoddy, for miles on end. The poor-ish people (being the majority) lived in shoddies. They were basically four thick plastic walls and an even thicker, flat roof. Environment friendly, too, everyone liked to add. Except that shoddies were usually freezing cold unless you were meg rich and could afford to buy a thermal heater.

I didn’t come from the Shoddies. I actually came from the only place worse. But we won’t even go there right now. Anyway after two weeks OTR, a nice, friendly little shoddy seemed like a version of heaven to me. That is, if it had a thermal heater. And some cozy blankets to cuddle up in, preferably next to Remy…

“Comin’ or not, Jordan?”

“I’m coming,” I said, following her like an obedient puppy god. I was still snacking on the popcorn, just at the bottom of the bucket, and I would occasionally take a sip of her pop.

“So you live in the Shoddies?” I asked.

“Yeah, and don’t even diss on my spot,” she answered.

“I’m not, it’s ultra meg.”

She scoffed, now looking almost offended.

“No, for real Remy, it’s spiff compared to my world. Arctic to the tenth degree.”

She looked back at me and smiled. “I like when you say my name. How you say it, it’s nice.”

“Uh…thanks.”

“Hustle up, Charm Man, or we’ll be late.”

The shoddy huts are plastic, unmovable, all ground into the cement base. The base goes for miles and miles, so basically there’s dirty cement and plastic and garbage strewn wherever. The sewage system under the cement is always threatening to burst in the Shoddies, and the Gov won’t take care of it because shoddy-dwellers can’t pay, so in some of the bad parts, the Shoddies don’t smell so hot.

This was one of those parts. We kept on going until we got to the central part of the Shoddies, where there were trolleys and the like, then hopped on in the back because Remy said she was out of quarters-in other words, we couldn’t pay.

“So where do you come from. Mr. Gorgeous Eyes?” Remy wanted to know. Then she blushed. “Oh, I’m sorry. That must’ve sounded ultra unarctic. You are just basically the cutest guy I’ve ever picked up so I’ve gotta keep tabs on you before you get scared and run away.”

I wondered if she was making fun of me. Because I’m meg ugly, for real. She must have been deluded or something because I know for a fact. Unarctic to the tenth degree, that’s me. The opposite of Remy, who’s so cool she’s polar.

“I’m fine. I come from the Dranges.”

Her jaw dropped. “Oi. No wonder you are OTR, on the down loooow,” she accentuated certain words and I didn’t quite understand why but I liked the way she did. She was still frowning though. “Shoddies equal Bad. Dranges equal Worst Possible Case Scenario.”

“I know. OTR. Down low…” I repeated like an idiot.

“Which gang?” she asked, leaning in close to me in a conspiring manner. “Let me see your tat.”

“Nah,” I replied. I didn’t want to admit I’d been adopted into the big-time gang, and I was OTR because I couldn’t stand it anymore. For two reasons. One being that the gang was so freakin’ scary she’d split meg quick. Two because I am a coward and I ran away.

“Come on, let’s see the tat,” she took my hand and was about to roll down my sleeve to see the tat on my wrist. All the gangs in the Dranges tattoo their people on the left hand wrist. My tattoo was of a spider. A creepy spider that almost looked like it was crawling into my palm.

“Forget it,” I said.

Remy backed right off. I immediately missed the warm touch of her hand on mine. It gave me shivers and hella crazy goosebumps.

“Here we are, hop off,” Remy said, which was difficult but doable. I hopped off the trolley and we went down a couple of streets.

I heard vague music in the distance and thought I saw…

“Are those strobe lights?”

Remy gave me a sheepish smile.

“No. No way. No way in hell.”

“What a strange expression. Hell, I mean. You can go there by bus or trolley, they say. Straight down into the pit. Wonder why they haven’t made an escalator to heaven yet. Yes way, we’re going. It’s just a shod bash. I go all the time they’re great.”

A shod bash. They’re great. As if.

“I will get gang raped,” I told her casually. Everyone knows what happens when you try to get into a shod bash. They’re the hugest parties in like, ever. They take up three streets of shoddies. We were a couple of streets away and I was really protesting.

“Come on, Jordan, don’t be retarded. I know these guys. It’ll be fun.”

I don’t know why I agreed. But I did,
Last edited by Misty on Fri Mar 31, 2006 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Your title sucks.

Really, what self respecting publisher is going to put "GO ON, READ IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! NO SHAME IN THAT!" on the front of a book?
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Hey, don't be a jerk. And if you're not going to critique it, don't comment.




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OK i like the future thought but can't you make it a bit more apocalyptic or something? make it based after a war or something have some sorta conflict or something




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*shrug* I dunno. Too late I'm already three quarters through it. Besides, there's nothing original about that...:P




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Well. First of all, I generally like it. Kinda. Okay, so for the beginning I was like, so what? This is so ordinary, blah blah blah, then I thought, hey this is picking up and it actually did. So, Bravo to you.

Now, throughout your story, you say 'meg'. I hate that, I mean at first I was confused as to what the -bleep- it was, then after constant repetition, I realised this was supposedly ment to be slang. That p*ssed me off more then I care to admit right now, because in trying so hard to be unique or new, you actually end being a little sad. Well not you, but the use of 'meg' becomes sad. And by said I mean aggravating, I was literally snarling after I saw it again, near the end. Also 'unarctic' and 'polar'. These words which you want to overcome 'cool' and 'popular', must be ritually slaughtered.

What Im trying to say, is that what you've written is really good, with a helluva lot of potential especially with the "poor not being cared for by Gov" and "Gang" themes which were nicely introduced. Seriously, theres so much that can be done with that ist not even funny. With the slang, just relax. Dont try too hard too make something seem natural, let it flow: ONCE OR TWICE. I really like how you made it seem natural to the characters though, that was cool.

Also, get rid of 'OTR'. Its unnecessary and it confuses the reader. The title should be changed as well, its what gets people to take a look at your work in the first place. The title.

So anyways, 'twas real good. Looking forward to the next part. Thanks for looking at my own story.

~Jiggy
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"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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...Well, I have to say I rather liked the story - it came out deceptively prosaic (pardon the pun); but it had a snap to it. I liked the characters. I'm already curious what's going to happen to them. I think the speech added keenly to the overall believability - it really did sound like slang.

Anyhow, you've got some minor grammar and spelling mistakes. I'll hit those.

She was walking down the isle,


--Ought to be aisle.

“Actually, a lot of them aren’t fake, you know. Snuff films are getting popular too. I don’t know how they get away with murdering those people, though, Unless they’re enemies of the country or something.”


This was amusing. Before I realised the futuristic part, I was stunned. For the punctuation though - ought to be unless. small case - or full stop before, end sentence.

“Remy?” I said questioningly.


--Drop questioningly. The dialogue drags with the long adverb, and it's clear from the tone (? mark) that he's got that sound. ^_^

“Man we were all over that!” she exclaimed, holding it up. “Let’s get some dinner and spit dude. I’ve got plans tonight and you’re welcome to tag along.”


--Split, right? Ought to be "...split, dude." Unless this place uses "spit" as slanguage?

We went to the popcorn stand, and Remy worked the charm while I watched, then, eating the popcorn, we made for the escalators.


---This just comes out awkward... Make it two sentences. ...while I watched. stop Eating the popcorn, we made for the escalators.


Remy was oddball. I noticed that at the beginning. But it wasn’t just the way she talked and acted that was oddball. Her clothes were oddball too. Like, meg different. Most girls I knew wore like, these environment friendly get-ups that were supposedly re-usable like made of plastic. So they’d be wearing either these super durable shiny plastic get-ups or else stuff made of special cloth, always special-tailored in the specific style girls wear these days. But Remy’s clothes were different.


---Good on the concept - the whole passage gives a sense of the difference, a better idea of culture. But then you get a little vague. Special tailored ...style girls wear these days? Well, I don't know what that looks like. It makes perfect sense that Jordan might be vague about it; and he is narrating. But think about it. If there's a way to get a bit more precise, try it.

Her hair wasn’t shortish and parted in the middle like every other girl I knew, either.


---This is a perfect example. You've just told your readers what Remy looked like - and managed to explain the rest of the young female population by casual contrast. It works. ^_^

I laughed and clutched /onto/ my backpack as we got onto another escalator.


---Kill the onto. Superfluous.

She had arched eyebrows. Somehow she made then grow that way.


---Typo - them.

Basically it was row after row of box shoddy, for miles on end.


---Comma after box unnecassary. If you really want the extra pause there, that's up to you. But it might flow more continuously sans comma.

“I’m coming,” I said, following her like an obedient puppy god.


---Wait - puppy god? I do hope you mean 'dog'. ^_^ (Though the image is hilarious of a puppy deity following along...)

“Yeah, and don’t even diss on my spot,” she answered.


---I can't tell here - is it meant to be even? Or ever?


She looked back at me and smiled. “I like when you say my name. How you say it; it’s nice.”


---Semi-colon 'tween it and it's nice.

Remy gave me a sheepish smile.

“No. No way. No way in hell.”


---It may just be me, so take it with a grain of salt, but this momentarily bewildered. I thought Remy was the speaker... You could always note Jordan speaking ...sheepish smile. Then: "No. No way." I said. "No way in hell. But only if it's a problem for other readers.

“I will get gang raped,” I told her casually. Everyone knows what happens when you try to get into a shod bash. They’re the hugest parties in like, ever. They take up three streets of shoddies. We were a couple of streets away and I was really protesting.


---Good, casual description again...all the information seems perfectly natural; reading, you almost begin thinking - "Sure. Shod bash. Gnarly. 'Know all about those." ^_^


I don’t know why I agreed. But I did,


---Full stop/period after did This is a bit weak though...my impression. Jordan seems to know all his other feelings, explains and figures whether they're good or bad. Then this - he's protesting vehemently...then he doesn't know why, but he just goes?

All in all, it was a fun read. It didn't drag in tone, it kept consistent in Jordan's voice, which also seemed very genuine. It certainly seems to be the beginning of something - not complete; in other words, I want to know more about it. It was especially sharp in some of the little details. You seem to have a good eye for your world - your character in this case, Jordan - and the believabilty held a lot in that...Jordan's comment/thoughts about getting the soda - not a fat geezer's; his notice of Remy; the bits about shoddies and clothing.

All right. I've got to go ...to bed. Keep writing. I hope this is a helpful critique. (Oy, I hate critics.)
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"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
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Well, Misty, from all that I've read of yours, I can definitely say that probably your strongest point is being able to draw people into the story--create mystery and such that makes people want to read more. That is an excellent talent that is fairly critical to writing. I also like your use of slang to show the cultural difference. However, I have to somewhat agree with JigSaw that your slang seems more like 80's slang than futuristic slang. Unfortunately, I have no idea how you would make it seem futuristic. I suppose there would be more swearing in the future, at the rate things are going now, as well as words borrowed from other languages, as we become more culturally integrated.

Your one real weakness, as I see it, is description. You have great description for a few things, like Remy and the Shoddies, but most of the other things in the book are mere blurs to me. I suggest you work on integrating description of important people, places, and things into your narration, and then everything will be perfect!

I look forward to reading more; this work is excellent. Makes me want to start writing again.




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Hey Misty!
This was a great piece of work!
The only thing I would of done is add more filler and description =]. Hope you write more
<33 marissa




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I thought it was really interesting. I found a few minor things but otherwise I thought it was great

like an obedient puppy god.

It may just be me but this doesn’t make sense, a puppy god?

Remy was oddball.

Remy was an oddball.




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Nah. Just oddball. It's slang, not description, that's why. Puppy god should be puppy dog. Thanks!




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Per your request, I now begin an exhausting critique. Current time is 5:34 PST.

Remy
By: Misty Lynn Ellingburg
(2/13/06)


Nice, it is always nice to give yourself some credit.

1

I first met Remy at the Tinseltown movie theatre in upstate New York. I had been OTR for two weeks, long since run out of money and felt intense hunger like a beast inside of me. Since Tinseltown was one of my fave hangouts before I ran off, I knew the entrances back and front, and there happened to be one fire exit in movie theatre 4 that wouldn’t lock from the outside. So I would sneak in, get extra large popcorns and pops from the garbage, and use the free refill system to eat.


1. By saying "the Tinseltown movie theater" are you referring to a specific movie theater, or "a Tinseltown movie theater." If it is the former, you need to be more specific about the location because Up-state New York is too vague for "the."

2. A. OTR: What does this mean?

B. Instead of "long since run out of money" should be "I had long since run out of money" since you are writing in the past tense.

C. End the sentence so it looks like "...money. I felt the hunger of a beast inside me." You will want to work on that last sentence, the analogy kind of falls flat, with or without my suggestions.

3. I don't like fave; it makes it seem like the statement is insincere.

4. Change to ". There" to kill the run on sentence.

5. This doesn't sound good, something like "My plan was to..." or "I would..."

Additional comments: You're using the character narration poorly, I feel like she is calling me over a cell phone or some instant messenger, instead of the book form. The slang and valley girl words (using words like 'fave' or starting a sentence with 'So') really annoys me. I want to actually be told the story as if it is from a master storyteller, not from a messenger or cell phone.

Then again, that's just me.

I was hanging out around the bathroom just before the end of some crap slasher flick, waiting for the massive crowd to come out so I could make sure I grabbed the garbage after a hot girl dumped it instead of an old fat geezer, when I saw Remy. She was walking down the isle, gazing at posters half-heartedly and sipping on a soda. Extra large, too. But she was kind of like, slim, so you wouldn’t figure her for an extra large girl. Every once in awhile she would see a poster that really pleased her, then she’d cock her head to one side and smile all huge, and I started to really like that smile.


1. Break up this monster: three lines is way too long for a single sentence.

2. Isle or aisle?

3. Are we talking about the girl or the soda? I'd add pictures to that, except I'd get banned. So, clarify which subject is being described.

4. Make this a seperate sentence.

Additional Comments: I'm beginning to fear that you've chosen the wrong viewpoint for the story. There is a lot of clutter in the description that isn't necessary to the progression of the story. In fact, a third person limited or omniscient might be better.

I'm also seeing some definite run-on sentences. They look like an over-burdened branch in my mind's eye. Cut them off or split them apart.

Finally, I just realized that you haven't defined the gender of the protagonist. Believe it or not, this is important. I have to assume the perspective is male, but our society is such that one can no longer make assumptions safely.

I sat down on the little bench and was happy to just watch her walk around. She would flip her hair every once in awhile, or scratch her neck like she didn’t know she was being watched. Just as she walked past, I cleared my throat. It was an accident. I hadn’t actually meant to call all that attention to myself. She stopped dead in her tracks, looked at me, then smiled this big old grin like I was an old pal from pre-school or something.


1. Is this some specific bench or "a little bench?" Cut the "and" and start a new sentence.

2. A. Flip her hair? Isn't that a little drastic? Brushing her hair or playing with it would seem more habitual.

B. "Like she didn't know she was being watched..." do we know she knows?

3. Instead of "I cleared my throat," why don't you say "I cleared my throat accidentally." This might save you two sentences that clutter up the story and block storyflow.

4. Isn't this a little too dramatic? Real people don't immediately halt if someone clears their throat. A more realistic reaction may be that she turned her head towards his direction. This saves you a third of a sentence.

Additional Comments: When I saw that she was flipping her head, I got flashbacks to some "Maxim" commercials.

What?

The viewpoint thing is also really interferring with story flow. You're describing every little irrelevent thing that your character was noticing around the character, while spending little time actually describing the atmosphere that surrounds her. Less environment, more atmosphere.

“Hi!” she said brightly.

“Oh, uh, hey,” I responded automatically.

“Does the movie suck?”

“Huh?”

“The movie you want to see. Does it suck? Because otherwise why are you wasting your money just sitting around out here instead of sitting around in there? Or maybe has it not started yet? So that’s why you’re here? Anyway I’m Remy!” she pronounced it Reemy and stuck out her hand. I took it and shook it, dumbfounded.


1. Cheerfully might be a better description.

2. You can delete this portion. It might not be much, but it will save you printing costs.

Additional Comments: Holy cow, it is a Maxim girl isn't it! My feeble male mind translated that last paragraph into some sort of proposition.

Also, guys as a rule don't shake a girls hand; instead they let the girl shake his hand. (Unless they insist on a strong handshake, it is considered overkill to shake the hand, since guys can sometimes over-apply force.)

I also find your protagonists dialogue annoyingly realistic.

“So, does it then?”

“Huh?”

“The movie? Does it suck?”

“Oh, no, it hasn’t started yet,” I lied, cocking my head just slightly and clearing my throat.

She sat down next to me, crossed her legs exuberantly and asked, in a sing-song voice, “Which one are you seeing?”

“Huh? Oh, uh…” I looked around at the movie titles. “I was just gonna see that, uh, that…”

“The slasher flick? Don’t tell me you were going to see the slasher flick. Like, how totally cheesy are those? You can completely tell that the blood is fake.”

“Actually, a lot of them aren’t fake, you know. Snuff films are getting popular too. I don’t know how they get away with murdering those people, though, Unless they’re enemies of the country or something.”

I think that was the most I had ever said at one time. And she was a total stranger.


1. A. No comma between "Oh, no."

B. There you go with the clearing the throat thing again! It's really beginning to annoy me. I still don't believe it was an 'accident'.

2. Sing Song voice? Maxim has hired Mary Poppins?

3. Get rid of one of the "that"'s. It is unnecessary to repeat yourself.

4. Uncapitalize that.

Additional Comments: You may not realize it, but your story is already unraveling. Sure, you have the stuff written, but the viewpoint is beginning to crush your story's believability. Here is an example:

“Actually, a lot of them aren’t fake, you know. Snuff films are getting popular too. I don’t know how they get away with murdering those people, though, Unless they’re enemies of the country or something.”

I think that was the most I had ever said at one time. And she was a total stranger.


The above dialogue is so corny, that any guy would wonder why the heck he had said that to some completely random beautiful girl. In fact, he would regret it the instant it came from his mouth because of the sheer stupidity of it.

I don't blame you for it, since it is a guy thing. But you see how the first person viewpoint is beginning to make the story suffer? First person is hard enough to write for without doing it for the other gender. This is where my recommendation about the third person limited viewpoint would be better, you don't have to deal with the inner thoughts of the character if you don't want to.

“Oh God, I know,” she giggled, then turned suddenly serious. “I think it’s horrible. Ultra horrible, where the country is going. Where the world is going really. Like, did you know a hundred years ago killing was illegal? Except for government, but they couldn’t show that in a theatre, though.”

“Uh huh,” I replied. My stomach chose just that instant to growl ferociously, like a scary animal in the wilderness. I flinched.

“Eat much?” she asked with a laugh.

“Ah, no. OTR.”

“On the run? For reals? Who. Meg who. Why for?”

“Uh…stuff…you know…just…”

“Oh I got it. I’m being meg personal. I’ll stop. Hah. So yeah, why don’t we filch an extra large out of the garbage when the slasher flick gets out and capitalize off the free refill policy?”

“You do that too?”

She held up her beverage to me. “Where else would I get $6.75? I mean I have a crappy job down at the mini-mart Restaurant Extravaganza but I’m not about to spend my sweat and blood on a soda, you know? ‘specially when you can get one for freakin’ free if you play your cards right.” She laughed again. She had an amazing laugh.

“Remy?” I said questioningly.

“That’s me!”

“Do you always talk to random strangers?”

“No, not always. But yes, most of the time.” She laughed. “Why do you ask?”

“Just checking.”

“Yeah it’s a great thing to do if you’re bored or alone. You can make some awesome friends not to mention I’ve got shit else to do. My friends-the real friends you know from school and work and whatnot-they all think I’m crazy, but there you go!”

“Oh.” There was a rather awkward pause, then I said, “Hey look the movie’s ending.”

There was a massive tide of bodies and Remy and I stood up to catch a bucket. After the tide thinned, Remy plunged out, holding a popcorn bucket.

“Man we were all over that!” she exclaimed, holding it up. “Let’s get some dinner and spit dude. I’ve got plans tonight and you’re welcome to tag along.”

We went to the popcorn stand, and Remy worked the charm while I watched, then, eating the popcorn, we made for the escalators.


1. Bad analogy. I'd just drop it. The reason we use analogies is so that we can give the audience another way of understanding an obscure phrase or situation. In this case, we can assume that the majority of the audience understands what "growled ferociously" means, so the analogy becomes useless.

2. OTR! "On the run?" Well, thanks for telling me now!

3. "Who" is a question and should be followed with a question mark. Also- "meg who?" Is this supposed to mean "Mega who? I haven't heard this slang so I'm having trouble following.

4. Meg Personal? See #3.

5. Change this to "an awkward pause." It works much better.

6. Is this a pile of bodies on screen? Or is it people exiting the movie theater? Clarify this.

7. End the sentence that started in #6 and make a new sentence after it, instead of making a run-on sentence.

8. Cut it off from the main sentence so it looks like, "...watched. We made our way to the escalators, eating popcorn..." This will work better.

Final Thoughts and Comments:

I know I said I'd do both chapters, but I think that some severe modifications are in order. This would make my critique of the second chapter void. Here are the major points.

Run-On Sentences

You are pushing the sentences way too hard. Sentences carry one detail, you're trying to make them carry two, usually more.

Slang

Slang is a double edged sword. Mark Twain got away with it, but I consider this mostly because you could sound it out if you got confused. Using acronyms (OTR) without first defining them will get your story axed. It is, how would you say, meg annoying?

Viewpoint

Your run-on sentences and slang are the least of your worries. I think the current viewpoint you are using for the story (first person) isn't working as well as other viewpoints would. Writing from the first person is hard enough without trying to write it from the viewpoint of the opposite gender. You have some good dialogue, but there is too much extra junk. I recommend the third person limited instead.

Storytelling

By extra junk, I mean that you are describing a lot of things that don't advance the story plot. Focusing on an extra large cup instead of the person holding it, is just one example. By changing your viewpoint, you can eliminate a lot of this junk. You can make the story more streamlined by correcting grammar and eliminating unnecessary descriptions.

Subject Problems

Sometimes you change the subject you're describing without telling us. Quick example:

James is holding a soda.
James has a problem.
It is too big for him to handle.

See the problem? The 'it' isn't defined. Does 'it' refer to the soda or the problem? Is the soda the problem? We don't know for certain. When this happens, it interrupts the story flow, and this wreaks havoc on storytelling.

Definite vs. Indefinite Objects

Quick example of a definite object: "Get off the phone." In this case, we have a specific object (The Phone) that we want you to put down.

Quick example of an indefinite object: "Get a life." In this case, we have an object, but what is it? Are we specifying any particular lifestyle? No. Therefore, it is "a life" vs. "the life."

Wordiness

Imagine that you are paying for each word you type. Cut words that are redundant and ineffective, or replace them with simpler words that do the same job for less.

Connectivity

I am interested in what happens to Remy and this guy (don't forget to clarify this point either.) I'm just finding it hard to connect to the dumpster diving and the slang being used. You need to reconcile this quickly, for while I am interested, I'm not interested as I should be.

Favorite Quote

“Do you always talk to random strangers?”

“No, not always. But yes, most of the time.” She laughed. “Why do you ask?”

“Just checking.”


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*dies*

...

*dies again*


....

*is speechless*




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*whistles*, that was some critique. I dont blame Misty for dying speechlessly. Nicely done Griffy. That affectively ends anything constructive one could say...its all been said. Misty now you can sit back and wait for "I liked it" or "I didnt like it" which really simplifies matters.
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Griffinkeeper wrote:Sometimes you change the subject you're describing without telling us. Quick example:

James is holding a soda.
James has a problem.
It is too big for him to handle.

See the problem? The 'it' isn't defined. Does 'it' refer to the soda or the problem? Is the soda the problem? We don't know for certain. When this happens, it interrupts the story flow, and this wreaks havoc on storytelling.


As I learned it, "it" always refers to the last subject mentioned. So the above example would clearly be talking about the problem. Of course, that doesn't mean you couldn't make it clearer ;)



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