J.D. is nice/ I'm in big trouble

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I arrived school with my mom. Could this day get even worse?

"Agnes... I will drop you at school but in the afternoon is on the principal office. Okay?" Mom said.

"Sure. Whatever." I growl at her.
I got out of the car and shut the door really hard. And mom put down of the window and stared to shout. " Bye, Sweetly!"
I hag my shoulder and everyone started to stare at me and laugh. Great! Thanks a lot mom. You just made my day even worse. I started to walk and gave everyone my serious face. But they got afraid. Excellent. I walk until... "Hi Agnes."
I look behind, just a little. J.D.

"Oh, hey." I said, calm with smooth.

He got closer to my face and I blush cause that dude is on my face! Please! Don't make him to kiss me.

"What... do... y-you want?" I ask while I nervous.

"I heard what happen yesterday." J.D. said

I move head away from his face. "It not you're fault. It's Cynthia's fault." I told him while I touch my hair.

"I know that and what are you going to do tomorrow at night?"

"I'll be in the beach, hanging out with some old friends of my mom.

"It's a boy?" J.D. asks with almost a jealous face.

"No! It's a girl. She is an old friend of my mom"

"Oh. Do you have anyone to pick you up?"

"No. Why you ask me what I'm doing tomorrow at night?"

"Cause I want to tell you something."

I was too nervous to get on his face but I got up in his face and said. "You can tell me right now." with a calm smooth.

"I can't. There's everyone in here, just wait for tomorrow night." He didn't even smile.

I remove my face to close to J.D.'s face. "Okay" still with a calm voice.

I look the other way but J.D. picks my hand and brush it. I started to blush even more. His kiss is so sweet. Still sweet.

"Bye."

"Bye..." I said while I wave my hand, weakly.

I keep looking at him while he gets inside of the school.

"I saw everything, Agnes" Cynthia appeared out of nowhere.

"What can I say? That dude has a really mega huge crush on me... And not you, so... bye, ugly." I told her and turned her my back and walk inside of the school.

Wait, what this strange feeling that I felt? Could be this love? No! This is not love that I'm feeling. No. It cannot be. Please! Tell me that I'm wrong. This could not be love. I said to myself that I would never fall in love any boy... Especially J.D.! He could have a girlfriend. He's could be using me to make his girl jealous... or not? Did J.D. could be really a nice boyfriend? What he will tell me tomorrow night... I got to stop thinking J.D. I mean I can't be in love with him. He's way too special for me, to be my boyfriend. He could, just at least, pick Cynthia. Not me.

"Hey Agnes!"

I turned around to see who call me and it was that almost nerd, Harold.

"What do you want, Harold?" Ask while I groan.

"What are you doing this Sunday? If you don't have any plans. I was thinking that we could a date. You and me. Together?
Harold asks.

"For your information, I already had a plan on that Sunday. Why I could go a date with you?"

"Cause I'm better that any boy. Are you going with someone? Who?

Until I felt a one pair of strong arm around in my waist. I look just a little, behind. J.D. again.

"She is going with me, so get lost." J.D. told him, glaring at him.

Harold growl at J.D. and gave him an angry face.

"Come Agnes, you're friend are waiting for you.

His arm is still around at my waist. I tried to walk while J.D.'s around at my waist. You know, like those couple when they are together.

"Hey, before you go with you're friend. I have something to tell you." J.D. said without looking at me.

"What?" I ask while looking at him.

"Do you have a boyfriend before I got here?" He still has his serious face.

"No. I was alone of my rest of my life." I drop my eyes on the floor.

Now, he put another arm in my waist. Two arm around in my waist.

"Come on, Agnes." J.D. stared to tease me.

"What?" My eyes grew wider.

Say it." His voice was closer to my ear.

"Say what?" I almost yell.

"Say you like me, say it" J.D. said and starts to tickle me.

"Okay! Yes! I do like you!" I surrender while I laugh.

"That's what I thought." He stop the tickle while I gather some air.

J.D. put me back on my feet cause he stared to tickle me. J.D. got closer on my face but he kiss on my cheeks. His kisses are different. Since he kiss me on my hand.
Class was over. But weird, cause J.D. keep staring at me and by his fault, my friends notice that I was blushing. But he laughs. His laugh was calm and sound like a man laugh. I saw my mom coming out of the office with the principal. I wonder what he told her.

"Agnes. Let's go." Mom orders me.

I got up and slip my backpack on my shoulder but I wanted to growl at the principal. Mom keeps pinching my arm to move. I got out of the school and went to the car. Mom stared the car and she was silent along the road.

"Mom... If they're something you want to tell me. Spit it out." I order her to talk..

Mom sight. "Agnes. Is about you're attitude in school. Why you cut class?"

"Mom, what I told you?" I fold my arm.

"Let not go to that suggesting. Is there someone that made you cut class?" Mom's hand were gripping harder on the driving wheel.

"No." I lie.

"Are you sure?" Mom raise one eyebrow

"Yes." I lie again.

"Well, I had forbidden you to talk any boy from school." Mom told me. Right in my face.

"Mom! What the hell is wrong with you?" And here I though she isn't the only one that talks guys.

"Why? You don't like it?" Mom stop the car and looked at me with her glare.

"Yes. I don't like it! You know what?" I yelled at her face.

"What?" I could see her that her face is turning red.

"I had forbidden you too, not to talk with that stupid friend of yours, David!" I almost lost my voice and look at the window.

"You're not my mother!" Mom yells at my face.

"Well, you should choose the word carefully." I said is sarcastic.

Mom didn't respond me. I ignored her. But I will break her forbidden. I always break her forbidden.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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Hi.

Let's see. I am not going to discuss grammatical errors. Just know that you have a lot of missing words and awkward sentences and phrases here and there. My main problem with this is that there is way too much dialogue. I understand that your character does not get along with her mother and that she has a crush on J.D., but I don't really know who she is and who anyone else is.

You are trying to reveal the story through everything the dialogue between characters, but that approach is not working out too well. I feel like this piece is moving too fast for me to enjoy it at its full potential.




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Umm. It felt really rushed, I didn't understand what was happening in some parts, and there is some erros you should fix, and maybe add some more information. So I will say try again.
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.




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Writers are always told "show don't tell". This story is one of the unique few where showing is not an issue. The story can using more telling though. I don't understand why Agnes acts how she does, so she just seems like a jerk. If the story told more of her thoughts the readers would understand and be able to sympathize better with her. The lack of telling in the story also makes it hard to understand. Is J.D. her boyfriend? classmate? The story doesn't state the relationship so the readers have no reference point. I didn't understand a lot of the story especially the parts with J.D. The story should slow down and not be afraid to explain what the character already knows or is thinking.

Grammar is a major issue with this story. It constantly distracts readers from the narrative and annoys them because it shows a lack of respect for the readers. Some writers think grammar is not important because when they're authors they can just have their work proofread. They are not aware that bad grammar in a submitted manuscript is a red flag for publishers to dismiss the work. Bad grammar distracts from the highlights of the story.

The author seems to have a talent for voice. She captures the teen angst, rebellion, confusion, and fragility when it comes to love so well. I really could enjoy the character's personality as a narrator if the grammar and more fleshing out of the explanations permitted it.
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Simply look around and view it
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Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
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