The Story Of Me ; Ch.1

I was sixteen when I found out that I was kidnapped at the age of five.
All I knew was that I had been 'adopted' at the age of three. At least that’s what he had told me.

My name's Christina but everyone calls me Chrissy. I'm sixteen years old and yes, I was kidnapped. I don't know how I didn't see it. It was all over the news. The little girl on the screen, she had the same eyes as me, same nose, and the same smile. Maybe that’s why Dave always turned off the TV when the news came on. Maybe he didn't want me to know the truth.
Let's rewind, shall we?

Sixteen Years Ago
April 1st 2001
Today was the day!
Elizabeth Rachael Patrick was born to the parents of Julia Skye Patrick and Vincent Taylor Patrick.
Nothing in the world would wipe the happiness off of their faces. At least, not yet.

One day, Julia awoke to the sound of three year old Elizabeth's cry. This was unusual considering Elizabeth was a quiet child.
“Honey, something's wrong with Lizzy.” Julia whispered to her husband.
“What do you mean Hun?” Vincent yawned.
“She's crying.”
“Honey, there’s nothing to worry about, its normal for children to cry.” Vincent started. “Just go back to bed.”

Julia tried to rest again, but she knew something's wrong, slowly and quietly Julia crawled out of bed so she wouldn’t awake her husband. She made it to Elizabeth's room. She turned on the light and walked over to Elizabeth's bed. Nothing. She looked in the closet. Nothing. Now Julia was worried. She looked throughout the room in hopes of finding Lizzy hiding from her mom.
“Lizzy, come out come out from wherever you are.” Julia laughed.
No reply.
“Lizzy, your scaring mommy, come out please.” Julia began to cry.
Again, no reply. Julia then ran into the master room and awoke her husband.
“Vincent!” Julia exclaimed “Lizzy's not in her room, I looked everywhere.”
Vincent was now awake. “Honey, there is no way possible that Lizzy could not be in her room.”
Vincent continued, “Shes three years old, she cant possibly be able to jump out of bed like nothing.”
Julia replied “I know that Vincent! You try looking for our daughter while I call the police!”

Thirty minutes later the police arrived.
Julia filed a missing persons complaint while the police investigated the house for clues around the house. They found nothing.

#FF40FF ">

Spoiler

CHAPTER TWO WILL BE IN ELIZABETH'S POV!! CHAPTER 2 COMING SOON

WTF WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WROTE THIS PIECE OF SH*T? THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE SEEN YET! YOU DESERVE TO BE SHOT TO BE FOR THIS AND HAVE YOUR BODY EATEN BY ELEPHANTS!! AND YES, I SAID ELEPHANTS!!!!!!
Lol Jk! just saw you comment about new and wanted to to mess with you. The first chapter is short, should've been more like prologue in my opinion. It was pretty well-written though and I liked it.

Hello there

I was sixteen when I found out that I was kidnapped at the age of five.

All I knew was that I had been 'adopted' at the age of three. At least that’s what he had told me.

My name's Christina but everyone calls me Chrissy. I'm sixteen years old and yes, I was kidnapped. I don't know how I didn't see it. It was all over the news. The little girl on the screen, she had the same eyes as me, same nose, and the same smile. Maybe that’s why Dave always turned off the TV when the news came on. Maybe he didn't want me to know the truth.

Let's rewind, shall we?

This to me is not a very good introduction, at all. An introduction is probably the most important part of the story, even if the story is not good; at least I can still continue reading it. I feel what you have here is a little too forward and does not leave any air of mystery. I'll be honest, but this is boring. It's like a synopsis and I already know how predictable this story is. What I'd advise you on, is to take this bit and rewrite it. Or you can just scrape it from the story and start with what continues after. Or better yet, try making a flashback!

Then it's your dialogue. Your dialogue is quite awkward. It's like listening to robots talking. You need to write in such a way that you can relate it to real life. On top of it being robotic, there are no actions to rectify it. You did not manage to give your characters life. The scene of the kidnapping is very short and could use some sprucing. Describe the characters that are in the scene; what are they wearing, what do they look like, what room are they in, what time is it, the weather, etc. Bring things to life and give the story some more volume. Don't be too hasty and add some flesh to these bones! The best way you can improve it to practice and practice and practice! Work on your grammar as well.

This though sounds like a great plot but you just need to take a different approach on telling the story. I hope I could help.

Keep writing and good luck!

Hey there,

I like your plot line; I just finished a book about kidnapping and that's why I really want to see where this story goes!
Your introduction would use a little bit of work; however it does set the scene well. I like how you introduce the parents into the picture, but I think a bit more should be added here and then move to the three years later. (Just because it seems a bit short lived.) Your characters are good, but maybe some descriptions would help. I like the ending how you put 'they found nothing'. It makes you want to read more, which is both frustrating and intriguing
Overall I like the story and where it is heading, and I think if maybe you added a few descriptions and added a bit more emotion on Elizabeth's birthday it would help; however it is only a suggestion

I would love to read more of this story and can't wait to see how it all turns out Keep writing

*Moved to General Fiction Novels*

Greetings!

All summed up, I think you have a lot of good going on here, and I'm not just being nice. There is a lot of technical things you do need to work on and just some general writing elements that will take you some time to develop, but this is a good start.

For the good, it's obvious you have a good mind in that brain of yours as you really seem to know the characters, the plot, and where you want the story to go. And even though the whole "kidnapping" thing might be overdone, that doesn't mean the plot can't be yours. The flow of your writing seems to be a bit choppy and even uncertain, however, don't let that stop you, in fact keep going. That's the best way to develop your voice. Many times writers end up cutting out and rewriting the first few pages of their novels because those were written before they really got comfortable with their story. And since this is just the beginning, you have plenty of time left to find your "flow."

Something I did notice though is that you often repeated the character's names. Even changing "Vincent" to "he" at certain points can change up the flow and make it less repetative and choppy. Also, I noticed that you used a variety of different verbs to say the word "said" for instance, "exclaimed," "continued," or "replied." Feel free to give these words the stage, but using them too often can be just as bad, if not worse, than using the word "said" too many times. Just a note. Don't be afraid to do whatever you want as a writer! Even if your teachers say not to do it!

Sorry, I didn't mean to write so much, but ultimately, keep writing. And I hope to see the story and your writing develop.