Dragonmaster Chapter 5: The Wizard's Tale

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I meandered slowly through town, Victor following me closely as if he was about to lose me. He reminded me of a small beggar child, following behind a rich man in hopes of a few scraps of food. But the determined glint in his eyes told me that he was anything but that.
We passed by a couple diners, candles all aglow in the sparkling clean windows, but I had a specific restaurant in mind; one Earl had boasted of often.
After we had made it through most of the town and were only a mile or so away from the open swampland, I finally realized that perhaps Earl had lied; maybe there was no such place. Anger flared up inside of me at the thought but I walked on relentlessly.
“Zavier? Are we going to eat somewhere or not? Cloudy’s is pretty cheap and the grub isn’t all that bad.” Victor spoke up, obviously a little confused by my actions.
I shook my head.
“Sure we’ll eat. Just as soon as I find what I want.” I scanned the buildings up and down the road looking for it and gasped as I finally saw it, a huge mahogany building polished to shining. Enchanted balls of colored lights adorned the building looking like miniature suns and red candles burned in the windows. This was a very expensive place. I pointed to the building and grinned at Victor, trying to hide my anger and astonishment.
“I finally found what I was looking for. The Guzzling Pig’s Pub..” I stated cheerily.
I motioned for Victor to follow and his eyes widened, realizing that I wasn’t joking. “It’s expensive there,” he muttered doubtfully.
The flame of anger inside me heightened, not at Victor, but my Father. If he could let us starve and take Earl out to expensive restaurants he was an evil obsessed man indeed. I shrugged my shoulders.
“That’s alright. I feel like treating you anyways; payment for the nice haircut.” I rubbed my short haired head and he smiled meekly.
“All right, if you want to,” he consented. We entered together and I was surprised by how quiet it was. Anytime I had ever been around a pub it had been boisterous and loud the smell of ale and beer overwhelming, but here people politely spoke in hushed tones. We nervously waited at the front door, unsure about what to do. The inside was royally plush, further enraging me. The wooden seats were covered using a soft purple cloth embroidered with golden leaves. All the wood was a rich brown, and like the exterior, polished.
“Sheesh, they call it a pub!?” Victor stated in amazement. “It looks more like the King’s dining room.”
I looked around and noticed that strange spider-like plants grew from the ceiling, crossing the lights and giving the place a green glow. It was like you were in a fairy’s dwelling or something grand and magical perhaps.
After a short time a young girl approached us. She was dressed in a purple maid uniform, complete with a large white apron and a purple bow in her hair. She ushered for us to follow her.
“Sorry about the wait, we’re really jammed today. Follow me please, I’ll seat you.” She had a little hip-throwing walk which gave the impression she was trying to imitate the older girls who worked here. I smiled, I had three sisters and yet girls were still such a mystery to me.
“Alright, today we have a variety of different meats in the kitchen but our specialty is eggs; prepared in any way you could possibly imagine them.” She giggled. “When you’re ready I’ll take your order.” She motioned toward a table for two and Victor and I sat as beckoned. The seat enveloped me as I sunk into it.
I coughed to the displeasure of the small maid and she instantly reminded me of Zora. She rolled her eyes and tapped her small foot against the carpeted floor impatiently.
“I’ll take poached eggs, corn cake, some baked ham, and a glass of milk please.” I spoke lowly, feeling quite out of place and uncomfortable in the fancy restaurant. What was a place like this even doing in the moorlands?
“Um, I’ll have the same…” Victor muttered, glancing at me as if to ask my approval and I nodded encouragingly.
Victor and I sat in an awkward silence as the maid trod off. I could hear people noisily chewing their food beside us though I couldn’t see anything of them save for a silhouette through the fogged glass panel that divided the tables into their own privet section.
It took fifteen minutes of unbearable waiting until an older waitress finally appeared carrying our orders. She had a nice face especially when she smiled and I caught Victor staring at her. I kicked him under the table and he blushed, looking away.
“Here you go, boys.” She smiled again and set the steaming piles of food on ceramic plates down in front of us. I sat there and just gazed at it for a while, dumbstruck, until I remembered that I was supposed to eat it. I’m sure anyone watching us would have thought we’d been raised by trolls the way we inhaled the meal placed in front of us.
By the time I’d finished I was so stuffed and warm I felt like I would burst. I no longer wondered how they could charge such high prices and I wondered if I would ever be satisfied with plain old food again.
Victor reflected my pleasure and discomfort perfectly. We smiled at one another then waddled into the large and spacious lounge where I paid the bill and headed towards a sofa that looked so soft it made Mothers unicorn down chair seem like a rock.
“What a meal!” I gasped as I disappeared in the cushy seat, then relaxed and lay back in pure and utmost happiness. This must be what heaven felt like.
“Man, that was sooo good.” I heard Victor sigh over on the other side of the cushion, accenting it by emitting a loud belch, causing me to stifle a laugh. The two people on the long sofa rose and quickly exited.
“That, my friend, is known simply as the removal spell. Guaranteed to clear a room!” This caused me to laugh and hiccup at the same time and for a few minutes we were both overcome by a fit of laughter disturbed only by the occasional hiccup I issued causing even more riotous laughter from Victor.
Finally, when we could no longer laugh, we quieted down and I asked the question that had been nagging me ever since I’d first seen the tattooed wizard three hours ago in a hot spring.
“So, Victor. What’s your story?” I asked, sitting up. “How did a wizard end up in a broken-down town like the Moorlands?” I gazed at him and the smile on his face instantly disappeared. He stared into my eyes wearily as if judging to see if he could trust me enough to share his story. At last he sighed then closed his eyes.
After a few minutes of silence passed I was sure he’d fallen asleep but he startled me by slowly starting to speak. “It’s difficult…I try so hard every day to forget the pain.” His voice broke as he settled himself down in the chair, a pained expression crossing his face as he began.
“I was eight… when my family finally realized I had magic.” Victor’s eyes opened as he watched me curiously. “Of course I’d known about the magic long before then but had kept it a secret from everyone.”
“Why?” I asked in shock, knowing if I had been born with magic my father would have probably adored me. Victor managed a weak laugh, obviously understanding my confusion.
“My mother has always hated magic. I never knew why. But when my parents found out I had magic... I wasn’t supposed to even exist. My parents…had never wanted children. They had never wanted me. So when my mother learned about my magic, she—" Victor choked and his eyes clamped shut as he sank further into the chair, reliving the childhood memory as he buried his face in his hands. “She beat me.”
I reached out hesitantly to squeeze his shoulder but refrained, pulling back quickly.
Victor’s voice was low with emotion but he continued. “She refused to send me to school as I so longed to do. I was forced to stay at home; the accident child.
“I was treated as a slave. I milked the eight goats every morning and night. I gathered the Mini Dragons Eggs. I sold our goods and bought what we needed every market day. I kept the house spotless and I cooked three meals every single day. If I did anything wrong… I was beaten.” The physical abuse seemed to be the hardest part for Victor to explain and I overcame my apprehension and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Victor, you don’t have to go on-”
“No!” he interrupted abruptly, his eyes flashing. “You need to know who I am. My childhood was not a happy life at all but it could have been worse. My mother and father were not much of drinkers and on market days after chores I was allowed freedom.” Victor seemed to brace himself by these small facts as if they brought him comfort.
“But the beatings got worse,” he whispered. “Any little flaw-my mother would strip me of my threadbare shirt and beat me using all her might.” Victor’s voice broke and he paused as his face creased with the pain that the memory brought.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to talk about it if it’s too awful, Victor, I understand.” I spoke more forcefully this time, quite aware of how much suffering it brought him to relive this. I realized that I really hadn’t had it all that bad. I had rarely suffered a thrashing in my fifteen years. Victor swallowed and shook his head before continuing on.
“I was nine when I finally learned that I didn’t just have a little magic. I had a lot. I began using it around the house- but one day…a few moons after I’d started using my magic regularly, my mother found out about it. This time when she went to beat me I managed to protect myself. My parents became scared of me and I rebelled. I ran away.” For the first time since Victor had began his story hope entered his eyes and he managed a small triumphant smile.
“I traveled from town to town; a little rat, begging for food, performing small acts of magic for money. It was a shameful and awful life that greeted me, but anything was better than my parent’s wrath.
“Word finally traveled to a group of Mage’s living in Regington about me and they came looking for me. When the Mage’s found me my spirit was broken and I no longer had any interest in learning about my magic, only how to destroy it and be a normal person. I hated it.” Victor sighed as he rubbed his temples venomously, his brow creasing.
“It took two years of gentle persuasion and a kind Mage named Jahfar to restore my love of magic. I was twelve then and a good student. I loved Jahfar and wanted to follow in his footsteps and be a Mage, yet I was trained in the ways of a Wizard since my powers far exceeded that of a Mage’s.
“When I turned fifteen two seasons ago I received my wizard tattoos and continued in my training. All was well when one day the teachers of the school sent me to the market for supplies, a normal errand. I was quick at the market but I took my time afterward.” Victor was staring at the wall, horror entering his voice. “I visited Cazula for a long time. She was a girl who was apprenticed to a Swamp Witch and sold potions at the market, though there were rumors that she was actually a Warlock.” Victor bit his lip angrily. “I’ll forever regret staying for so long.” He again paused and I noticed he was shaking slightly. His hands were a pasty white as he clenched them into fists and his eyes we tightly shut.
“When I returned, the school . . . the school had been burnt to the ground; a heap of rubble and ashes floating everywhere. That’s all that was left of my home-of Jahfar… of my life.” As Victor mourned his mentor he drew silent. The vision of the destruction must have still been fresh in his memory and I shivered.
“I hid behind a nearby tree and watched as a powerful black dragon, the largest I have ever seen, moved through the ashes. H-he was feeding on charred bodies that he found in the wreckage. It made me sick.” Victor was actually crying now and though I wanted to comfort him I closed my mouth abruptly, realizing it was not my place to speak.
“The dragon finally stopped his bone crunching sickness and just lay there for a long while. I was too stunned to do anything, I don’t even know how long I stood there but after a long space of time, a cloaked man strode down the road and spoke to the dragon in a strange and sickening dialect. The man tacked something up to a charred tree then flew away on the back of the dragon.” Victor took a few deep breaths, composing himself as I realized the worst of his tale was over.
“When I could finally manage to stop shaking I searched the burning rubble for days, never stopping once to eat or sleep. But there was no trace of anything. The blast had been so powerful everything had been destroyed in a second and what was left of any human beings the dragon had eaten.
“After the days of my frenzied search I finally remembered the note and went to read it. It was a decree from the King and his Royal Magician the Wizard Gazenlag. There was a picture of two young girls on the paper. They were beyond beautiful but they looked so frightfully sad that it chilled me to the bone. The message stated that they were dangerous and should be turned into the royal guard immediately for a handsome reward, in the meantime they would be searching all the wizarding schools.” Victor shuddered.
“More like destroying,” he added. “I wish those two all the luck in the Diamond Rhombus to try to stay hidden from the King and that horrible Wizard,” he stated angrily.
“Anyhow, I’ve done nothing since, except for wondering around from place to place seeking food and shelter...” He trailed off and fell silent.
“Well, I have no destination really,” I spoke, awkwardly breaking the silence. “So if you want to, maybe we could travel together.” I offered, hoping he would say yes. I’d never had a guy for a friend, ever since Iram had started hating me, and this young wizard intrigued me.
Finally he spoke. “Alright, but only on one condition,” he murmured, his eyes still closed.
“Alright, anything!” I said a little too eagerly, causing him to open his eyes and stare at me for a moment.
“Alright then, what’s your story, Zavier?” he asked quietly.
I stared at him for a moment, quite shocked. Finally I smiled. This was easy; I thought he’d want me to avenge his Master or something impossible like that. I raised an eyebrow.
“That’s all?” I asked in slight disbelief. Victor nodded, his expression serious. So I lay back in the seat, closed my eyes, and began.







He falls ever father away and yet I am forced to follow Her, wishing She would stop but knowing She will not. She has forgotten Him and in doing so forgotten me. It is true She brings me with her. But I am just a slave, no longer have I any meaning in Her life. I fear for our separation and Her departure. He has found the Wizard now. It is interesting how things fall together sometimes. I’ve seen this Wizard twice as he wondered the country aimlessly. Maybe the next time we meet the Wizard will bring Him too. I hope so. Time is running out.





Last edited by DakotaK on Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:59 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hmm... Most of it was very good. You had a couple of comma placement issues but nothing too major.
I did notice one peculiarity, when you got to the part about them eating dinner.... Your description was great but.... it reminded me more of a modern restaurant then it did a fantasy setting. (Perhaps you meant it that way? It really is simply a matter of personal preference. :) )

Second your spacing is a bit inconsistent between paragraphs. (Just a nit pick no big deal.)

And third... I am an ellipsis fanatic so... don't get to mad at me for saying this...

“Ok. If you want to. . .” We entered together and waited at the front door. The inside was royally plush, further enraging me. The corner booths were covered using a soft purple cloth and deeply padded and the cloth was embroidered with golden leaves. I looked around and noticed that strange spider-like plants grew from the ceiling, crossing the lights and giving the place a green glow. It was like you were in a fairy’s dwelling or something grand and magical perhaps.
The ellipsis after "If you want to..." Seems out of place.

“Or something like that. There was a picture of two young girls on the paper. They were beyond beautiful but they looked so frightfully sad that it chilled me to the bone. I assumed it was those two that the man had been after and I wished them all the luck in the Diamond Rhombus to try to stay hidden from the King and that horrible Wizard. . .
You probably don't need this ellipsis either. It really does not add anything to the story line.

All the other ellipsis' look great!

Keep writing,
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I could tell a harsh life had hardened him and he would be a worthy traveling companion.

How does he know this? There's very little shown us about Victor that would lead to this conclusion. As I mentioned in my review on the previous chapter, you need to show us why characters think and act the way they do. In this case, since Zavier is the viewpoint character, you need to show us what aspects about Victor make Zavier think he's a) lead a hard life and b) would be a worthy traveling companion. Right now, all we know is that Victor is determined to follow Zavier to food, and that's not exactly an indicator of "worthy traveling companion" there. It does hint at Victor having lead a hard life, though there need to be more, like perhaps Zavier noticing Victor's posture and mannerisms that hint at nervousness or somesuch.

Sympathy for the young Wizard engulfed me.

You've already stated several times before that Zavier felt sympathy for Victor. Repetition aside, the fact that all those times you stated instead of implied leaves your readers wondering "Why is Zavier feeling sympathetic?" and then later "Okay, we get that he's feeling sympathetic, but why?"

Rather than state that he's sympathetic, show it to us through Zavier's actions. Perhaps he's about to speak but thinks better of it and closes his mouth. Perhaps he moves to reach out to Victor and give him a reassuring pat or something. Actions speak louder than words, and just because the readers are told the characters are feeling a particular way does not mean that they will believe it. Readers want to see characters' actions and reasons for those actions so that they can form their own opinions of the characters and so form their own connections to the character. By stating that a character felt like this, you take away from the readers their ability to understand a character and connect to them, as well as form their own opinions of the characters.

Now, the other main issue in this chapter was the huge infodump of Victor's lifestory. While it may be a (somewhat) justified) infodump, it is still massive and all lumped together in one spot, so it's a bit of an information overload. Combined with how Victor's life story seems specifically tailored to out-tragedy Zavier's, and Victor's story (and his character as a result) come across as unbelievable and therefore not very sympathetic, which makes Zavier's sympathy for Victor a bit discordant with the reader's.

There comes a point where the abuse a character suffers becomes so much, it is unbelievable, and that line was crossed with Victor. Most of it has to do with the presentation. With things like abuse, it is best to reveal it subtly, over time, so your readers don't get one megadose of "This character's life sucks so bad" all at once. Rather, if your readers piece together for themselves that a character has had a life full of suck, they'll be more sympathetic towards that character. After all, abuse is very difficult for abuse victims to speak about, much less to someone they've known for about three hours, much less in that detail.

The way Victor spoke of the abuse was also not very realistic. It lacked emotion, and he spoke about it too easily. There were also a serious lack of physical cues accompanying his dialogue, which made it difficult to attach a tone to Victor's words. Compare one possible alternative beginning to Victor's life history:

"My mother has always hated magic. I never knew why. But when my family found out I had magic... I hadn't been wanted to begin with. My parents didn't want to have children. So when my mother learned about my magic, she—" Victor choked and closed his eyes, burying his face in his hands.

The short sentences and broken-up flow of ideas help reinforce how broken up Victor is feeling as he tells Zavier his story. The action tag at the end only reinforces this, showing Victor acting upon his emotions and also reinforcing how broken and pained he is.

A character's word and actions work together to form a readers' impressions of them, and you need a good balance of both to make characters seem real and convincing. Right now, with Victor's life story, that balance is so heavily tipped towards the words side, and the structure of the words doesn't reinforce the supposed pain he is experiencing and that Zavier is picking up on.

A general rule of thumb is that, the more emotional a person gets, the less complex and organized their sentences become. Fragments, simple words, lots of repetition: especially if the emotion is pain, these things are common, and sometimes, words will fail them. So, when writing a character experiencing keep that in mind, and try to emulate it through their dialogue and, when the words fail, through their actions.
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Hi again!

I meandered slowly through town, Victor following me closely as if he was about to lose me. He reminded me of a small beggar child, following behind a rich man in hopes of a few scraps of food. But the determined glint in his eyes told me that he was anything but that.
[I'm not sure if this makes sense, wouldn't a hungry person have a determined glint in their eye as well? It would make more sense if you called him fat or well dressed...]

“Sure we’ll eat. Just as soon as I find what I want.” I scanned the buildings up and down the road looking for it and gasped as I finally saw it, a huge mahogany building polished to shining. Enchanted balls of colored lights adorned the building looking like miniature suns and red candles burned in the windows. This was a very expensive place. I pointed to the building and grinned at Victor, trying to hide my anger and astonishment.
[I'm not sure why he's angry? Surely he expected it to be expensive or is there another reason? Very confusing. Ah never mind, you explain later, but maybe explain here instead to save poor little confused people like me!]

“Sorry about the wait, we’re really jammed today. Follow me please, I’ll seat you.” She had a little hip-throwing walk which gave the impression she was trying to imitate the older girls who worked here. I smiled, I had three sisters and yet girls were still such a mystery to me.
[You says girls are a mystery to him and yet he recognises that this girl is copying the style of the others? Most boys would just think she'd hurt her hip or something.]

Just a quick note, you've used wonder instead of wander a few times! Wander is to walk aimlessly, while wonder is entirely different.

Alright so this chapter wasn't particularly thrilling as it's just Victor info-dumping about his life and while aspects of that were interesting, no chapter should be a character's entire life-story. Not ever. So cut this one to pieces, give us a few details and hold many more back. Dazzle us with intrigue, then move on to soem more action, okay?

Heather xxx
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