Being Dead is for Losers

Being Dead is for Losers
Chapter One: Danielle

Nobody wants to die, but I did. I was young, and it wasn’t my time. I didn’t deserve it.

I’d already been having a bad day, like the worst. When I got home my parents were at some fundraiser or cocktail party, I didn’t really know. I thought I was alone, and then he came out of nowhere. I tried to fight, but he was bigger and stronger. He strangled me to death. And he ripped my favorite shirt. Not that it mattered, not that anything mattered, because I was dead.

Was dead.

I always imagined I would have a few days to hang around and cope with it. At the very least I thought I would get to float over my body for a few seconds. I figured since I was so young I was bound to linger around. I had so much unfinished business. I thought maybe my spirit would haunt my room until someone who could see ghosts came along to help me, like in Casper or The 6th Sense. Preferably Casper, at least he got to fall in love.
Is it desperate if you literally have to die to get a boyfriend?

Anyway, none of that happened. I was just gone.

Was gone.

For a while it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was perfect. Heaven was like all my favorite things and more. In heaven I knew everything was okay, I just knew it. As stupid as it sounds it literally was rainbows and love, 24/7. At least what I remember of it. I didn’t get to stay there.

Before the feeling of peace could even settle in I was back. Every inch of my body hurt, that was the first indication that something was wrong-in heaven nothing hurts. I hadn’t had a body in what felt like years, decades even. And it was dark. When I realized I was in my coffin, buried, I tried not to panic. I thought if I just closed my eyes eventually I would run out of air and die.

I wasn’t afraid of death, not anymore. Death was wonderful. This was hell.

Then a couple hours passed and nothing happened. That was the second indication that something was wrong. I should have died. I should have felt myself suffocating. I should have died! More time passed and I started to panic. Was I being punished? Would I have to spend the rest of eternity in my grave? I wasn’t the nicest person when I was alive, and sure I could have been a better daughter, and friend. But people loved me. I was popular. Why would I go to hell?

I tried to fight my way out, but my parents had spared no expense with my coffin. The solid wood refused to budge. At least it was comfortable. I flailed, pushed, punched and screamed, but who would hear me? Who would save me? No one. I was literally six feet under and dead to the world.

So I gave up, lying motionless in my tomb. I thought about crying but I never was the type to break down in tears. That was when a loud thump made me start. I waited, my heart pounding in my chest, wondering if I was being saved or if some terrible monster was waiting outside.

That’s when I heard my best friend’s voice, “Danielle, if you’re really in there then I take back every thing I said about psychics being crazy.”

This is an edited version! Any reviews/title suggestions would be amazing!

Hey, this was really interesting. I'm excited to see where you decide to go with this.

Some nitpicks:

Nobody expects an early death. (we all expect to die, none of us are immortal) but I did-I went in my sleep. But before you get all excited that maybe this will be happy story, that maybe I was old, maybe it was my time to die: stop. I was young, and it wasn’t my time. I didn't deserve this.

Nobody expects to be murdered, but I was-and I definitely didn't deserve that either. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't feel much. There was a lot of blood, but that tends to happen when someone plunges a knife through your heart. Not that itanything mattered anymore because I was dead.

Was Dead.

I always imagined I would have a few days to hang around and cope with it, being dead I mean. I always thought I would get the chance to see my loved ones one last time. At the very least I thought I would get to float over my body for a few seconds. I figured that since I was so young I was bound to linger around. I had so much unfinished business. I thought maybe my spirit would haunt my room until someone who could see ghosts came along to help me, like in Casper or The 6th Sense. Preferably Casper, at least he got to fall in love.

(New paragraph.) Is it desperate if you literally have to die to get a boyfriend?

Anyway, none of that happened. I was just gone.

WasGone.

For a while it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was perfect. Heaven was like all my favorite things and more. And I knew everything was okay. I just knew it. As stupid as it sounds it literally was rainbows and love, 24/7. At least what I remember of it. You see, I didn’t get to stay there.

Before the feeling of peace could even settle in I was back. Every inch of my body hurt, that was the first indication that something was wrong. I hadn’t had a body in what felt like years, decades even. And it was dark. When I realized I was in my coffin, buried, I tried not to panic. I thought if I just closed my eyes eventually I would run out of air and I would die.

(New paragraph) I wasn’t afraid of death anymore; death was wonderful. This was hell.

But Hours passed and nothing happened. That was the second indication that something was wrong. I should have died. There was no air in the coffin. I should have felt myself suffocating! More time passed and I started to panic. Was I being punished? Would I have to spend the rest of eternity in my grave? She should try and think of reasons as to why she would be punished, or at least allude to the fact that she was a good or bad person in her life.

I tried to fight my way out, but my parents had spared no expense with my coffin. I don't understand this sentence 'spared no expense', maybe it's just because I've never heard that phrase but I'm not sure what you're trying to say with it. As though it were a cheap coffin? But wouldn't that make it easier to get out if it were cheap? I screamed, but who would hear me?

I had finally given up when a sharp thump hit the coffin. This is a teensy bit confusing, I though that it was her that hit the coffin, try and specify that it wasn't her.

“Danielle, if you’re really in there then I take back every thing I said about psychics being crazy.” This voice came out of nowhere, I'm assuming that it's not the main character, so try and set the quote up a bit.

Overall, you have an interesting start and I can't wait to read more!
PM me if you have any questions.
-Once

This sounds really interesting, I can't wait to read more. I like that it's unique and unlike what everyone else always writes about. Also, I think it was very nicely written with a good pace. The wording was nice, not too fancy that we can't understand but still a good vocabulary. Anyways, nice job and good luck on future writes. (And let me know when you write more )

This was cool, and you've had this reviewed pretty well by the people before me so I'll try not to repeat what they've already said. And actually I have a few ideas contradicting here and there.

Nobody expects to be murdered, but I was-and I definitely didn't deserve that either. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't feel much. There was a lot of blood, but that tends to happen when someone plunges a knife through your heart. Not that it mattered anymore because I was dead.

Was dead. I'd just emphasize it, rather than just getting rid of it. Same with the other part.

“Danielle, if you’re really in there then I take back every thing I said about psychics being crazy.” This totally confused me. Is Danielle the MC, or someone else? I...I'm just confused. Without knowing who's speaking or what they're really talking about, this just leaves us scratching our heads.

Okay! So overall, I'd say follow the earlier reviewer's advice on the nit-picky stuff 'cause she did a good job on that. Still, this is a really interesting beginning, and I'd definitely keep reading. I like what you have so far, I'm hooked on this weird little twist of being sent back (not to make her sound like a FedEx package or anything) and your character seems to have a personality. Clean this up a little bit and you'll be in good shape.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Ooh, I liked this. The voice was especially what hooked me. So snarky, so matter-of-fact, even when dealing with something like her death. It was quirky and fun and I was really snagged. I loved the emphasis on the "was" occasionally, setting up quite definitively that she no longer is dead.

Is it desperate if you literally have to die to get a boyfriend?

Lulz.

My only real criticism, and I'm not really sure if it counts as a criticism right now, is that this feels very "tell" rather than "show". The reason I say that I'm not sure if it counts as a criticism is because you phase out of it really quickly. The stuff being "told" is stuff that works as being "told". We get a sense of the character, we get brought up to speed, etc. etc. Then, by the end of the chapter, when we are successfully hooked, it's transitioning to more present action, the "showing" thing. So, in the end, I have no real criticisms?

But I liked this. A lot. I'm off to the next chapter.

~GryphonFledgling

Hai!

This pretty cool, and I love your synopsis/tag line thing; it's very hooky. Anyway. I liked your character and her humour; you showed her thoughts and emotions and stuff well and even though this was kind of short, you got inside her head and all that. I really enjoyed her 'voice'; it was funny and realistic and believable.

I wasn't sure about this bit, though:

Not that it mattered, not that anything mattered, because I was dead.

Was dead.

...

Anyway, none of that happened. I was just gone.

Was gone.

I'm not sure why you have those italics there. What are you emphasizing? Try saying it out loud and it comes out wrong and sounds a bit weird.

As a general overview thing, you didn't get down into the meat of the story enough. Like Gryphledge said, you tell rather than show. You kind of skim along the surface and it all goes past very quickly. Maybe slow down a bit, describe the scene more? I said you got inside the character's head and that is a good thing, but maybe you need to come out a little bit, or get down even further and start seeing stuff through her eyes and all so I can get a bit more of her world. Right now, I'm a little blind, cos even though I get her thoughts, I don't get what she's literally seeing or hearing or feeling.

Does that make sense?

What you have is really very good! I'd just like maybe a bit more showing of the world around Danielle; describe her physical surroundings, make use of her senses.

-twit