If Only

his eyes so innocent,
but yet it burns like a fire in the night,
staring ever so deep into my eyes,
i can feel his soul.
his thoughts,
a little bird now knowing which way to fly,
his heart,
so hesitant, uncertain, and timid,
his smile is enchanting,
but sometimes its as vague as fog...
unsure of what's on the other side.
my heart cries out to him,
for he has lost his path,
if only, if only...
she hadn't came into his life.


i wrote this poem over 13 years ago. i am 25 now.

Well, it was good. I can't say it was a masterpiece, but ti wasn't bad either. I liked the emotion of the poem, but the wording was shaky and vague in some places, the punctuation was also all over the place, you could change it a little bit. Sorry if I seem harsh, it was good though, Keep Writing!

Hi, shiney1 here

I like the feeling and imagery in this poem, though I agree with the first post, it is no masterpiece. It flows well in some places but not so much in others, and punctuation and capitalization could use some attention.

His eyes, so innocent,
but yet they burn like a fire in the night,
staring ever so deep into my eyes,
so much so that I can feel his soul. Sounds better and flows more this way.
His thoughts are like a little bird,
now knowing which way to fly; Flows better this way.
his heart,
so hesitant, uncertain, and timid.
His smile is enchanting,
but sometimes it's as vague as fog...
unsure of what's on the other side.
My heart cries out to him,
for he has lost his path;
if only, if only...
she hadn't came into his life.

So there are my revisions. Keep working on it, it has a lot of potential, and so do you

Hello there Hello there Oh, and welcome to YWS!

his eyes so innocent,
but yet it burns like a fire in the night,
staring ever so deep into my eyes,
i can feel his soul.
his thoughts,
a little bird now knowing which way to fly,
his heart,
so hesitant, uncertain, and timid,
his smile is enchanting,
but sometimes its as vague as fog...
unsure of what's on the other side.

Try capitalizing your letters use better punctuation, it will add a lot of depth and meaning to this poem.

Taking into consideration that this was done a long time ago, I'll give you props because it's really nicely done. I will ignore the little flaws and the nitpicks because I believe that now you know better. So, I really liked the contradictions you played with every features of the person being described.

So again, welcome and good job.

Keep writing and good luck!

First off, Welcome! Welcome!!!

Secondly, I have to say that you're going to get very diverse reviews on here. Some will attack your grammar, others punctuation, others the whole being of your piece. It's very crazy!

I like to touch on the basics: you have a great poem here! Brilliant! You'd be surprised how many poems I have stashed away that are like this, written long ago. I'm not going to advise you to change a thing, I love it! It has it's own feel to it that leaves room for interpretation. I hope this makes sense! Keep up the Brilliant work!

Keep in mind, I was only 13 when I wrote this.
Truth be told, I did not write this poem for punctuation or special wording, it was an expression of the raw emotion that I was feeling at that moment. We've all been through it. First love and first heartbreak.

I am proud of my little poem,"flaws" and all. I was in 8th grade when I wrote this. I do not know too many adults that express their emotions through poetry, much less 8th graders.

Thanks for reading guys!