Moonlight

This is my first time to put any thing on YWS. Hope you like it.

Spoiler

Hey for the contest, the emotion I want to convey to reader is serenity.

Moonlight

Step softly into the moonlight;
Catch a moonbeam in your hand.
Whisper sweet secrets into the night
As the moon casts a spell on the land.

Dance to the wolf's own song
As he sings to his one lady fair.
Lose yourself to it all night long
While the wind gently plays with your hair.

Find your way to a lucid lagoon,
Curl your toes in the sand.
In the water lies a twin to the moon
That disappears with the touch of your hand.

Moonbeams through the forest leaves spill,
Casting a delicate lace.
For a breath everything's silent and still,
Then on through the moonlight you race.

The spell of the night is broken
By the sun's pink kiss to the sky.
Go, for the morning has spoken,
Say good bye to the moon with a sigh.


Wrote this about a year ago for a contest. Please tell me what you think about it.

You've created some beautiful imagery, I would suggest some constructive criticism but I can't think of anything that could improve on what you have.

Hello there. :3
Welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here.

Nitpicks:

Dragongirl wrote:Stop softly into the moonlight;
Catch a moonbeam in your hand.
Whisper sweet secrets into the night
As the moom casts a spell on the land.

You give a good start to your poem. It sounds good and calm. I really like the alliteration “sweet secrets”. The images you create are also so soothing. But some mistakes to point. I think that in the first line it should be “Step softly into the moonlight” and in the last line it will “moon”, I guess you mistyped there.

Dragongirl wrote:Dance to the wolf's own song
As he sings to his one lady fair.
Lose yourself to it all night long
While the wind gently plays with your hair.

In the second line here, there should be a comma after lady because if you read it together without the comma it sounds really odd. So a comma is required there to make it sound more sensible and meaningful. The last line is good and does not have problems but it tends to kind of meddle with the flow.

Dragongirl wrote:Find your way to a lucid lagoon,
Curl your toes in the sand.
In the water lies a twin to the moon
That disappears with the touch of your hand.

This stanza did not make any impression on me. it is good, it sounds sensible and even is in rhythm but it does not have the felling into it that would make me love it or praise it. Here again I like the alliteration, “lucid lagoon”. But, twin to the moon? Does not quite fit in.

Dragongirl wrote:Moonbeans through the forest leaves spill
Casting a delicate lace.
For a breath everything's silent and still,
Then on through the moonlight you race.

It will be “moonbeams” there in the first line. Add a comma after the first line. The second line feels a bit incomplete. Let the reader know on what the moonbeam casts the lace upon. Add a comma after breath in the third line. And why does the narrator race through the moonlight?




It was good poem. Just a few mistakes which can be easily taken care of! I like the way you stayed intact with your rhyme scheme and the flow of the poem. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

good... keep up the good work...

Hello there and welcome to YWS!

As the moom casts a spell on the land.

Dance to the wolf's own song
As he sings to his one lady fair.

...The spell of the night is broken
By the sun's pink kiss to the sky.

I love this!

So generally this poem is really good. It's a great idea that you've got going on here. However, I think that although there's nothing really wrong with your choice of words, you had too many ideas to refer to the 'moonlight'; so much so that you did not completely develop them in a way that I'd be completely satisfied (phew, you can breathe now). What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it felt like I was bouncing from place to place because your ideas did not really connect. It's not that bad though, but it took some 'feeling' away from it. And it could have been fantastic.

This was really goo though.

Keep writing and good luck!

Thanks for the reviews. I went back and fixed some of the mess-ups. Some one wrote they thought it should be "Step" not "Stop softly in to the moonlight". That is what I meant to write "Step" not "Stop". Thanks for pointing that out.
~Dragongirl

I was so happy to see this poem on here! The last time I read it was when it was at the fair with that big ribbon on it!
I still love it so much!!!

Quite a beautiful poem actually. I like the wording and you do a great job making the metaphor flow very well. Keep working.

You are such an amazing writer.

"Moonlight" is a beautiful poem. I don't even know how to explain how much I love it. I'm speechless. You have created a WONDERFUL piece of poetry. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

~Me

This is so pretty! I love the image it brings and you did good rhyming. I suck at that:/

Time for me to link two reviews together, aww yeah! I really enjoyed this piece , much more than I did your piece Sin. While both are very well written with an experienced touch and excellent voice this captured me in a way sin didn't. You use a flow here that does not rely on a forced rhymescheme, while the piece rhymes it doesn't take it to be a major impact on the flow, or overly familiar imagery (link chains of sin for example). While son composed of beautiful lines such as the stain upon white silk its beauty and darkness was sporadic.

Here you capture the reader with beautiful images of moonlight and while the moon is used to death in many poems your voice carries this through. There's an almost lyrical calm, a serenity , to this work that really interested me and combining that voice with a flow unrestricted is what adds to this piece.

Loved the pink kiss to the sky line.
There should be a comma after "for a breath" as it is a moment in time then remarked upon.

Either way, well done

i really like that poem, that's really all i can say.
KEEP IT UP!!

,writingaway