Alone

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Just a note: We were given an assignment in English to take an emotion and write a poem about it; but i'm not really good at poetry. Therefore I decided to turn it into a story and this is the first attempt (as written in class.) Please say anything that you think might help, I am at a loss of what to do with it as I don't really like it and I thought you all might be able to help :) Here goes nothing...


His warm breath reached the frigid spring air; small wisps of white mist elevated into the space around his face. Mid-nights frost covered the near vacant pasture that was now under his feet. With the slightest movement of his weight tiny, delicate crunches were made while the verdant grass was crushed. Once bright and joyful flowers, stood tall and frozen like a cement statue.
Dawn was approaching quickly. He stood alone in the field, surrounded only by the air, and the solitary oak tree up the field from him. The sun rose above the final hurdle of darkness. Light was cascading over the pasture, and illuminating all that it touched.
Time passed quickly and yet he still did not move from his place. With the sun now high in the sky the meadow before him changed. The wind caressed the field, through the lonely oak tree; spreading weaving through life. Once stiff, iced blades of grass swayed and danced in the breeze. Flowers now thawed, smiled at the touch of the sun. The smell of fresh grass and the flowers earthy perfume lingered in this nose. Ever so slowly he stalked towards the staunch, lonely tree.
For a single moment not a sound was made; not from wind, not even from his movements. Standing by the trunk he felt the dirt mould around his feet. The sensation was not new, but felt; as always, different. From this spot he could see the whole pasture. The wind whistled and rushed past him. He closed his eyes for a brief second, and let the wind engulf him; then he was simply gone. All the life, light and loneliness remanded, but he did not. The pasture sat untainted by his presence, all that he had left was the indents made in by his feet in the dirt by the oak tree.
The sun started to set on the field. As the sun moved across the sky, the impressions of his feet were struck with beams of light. The wolf’s four paw prints were still there.
Last edited by Nyx on Wed Jun 01, 2011 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey, Nyx. First I'll say what a beautiful picture you painted here. It was well-written and fairly easy to read. I can't find any faults with your wording, which I find shocking, since I usually detect wording that can be revisioned a mile away. It's simply too perfect. So, I'll stick with nitpicks.

The biggest thing is that the third paragraph should be split-- into two, three, maybe four smaller ones. This one was so massive my eyes just panicked and skipped to the fourth, which made things really confusing until I made myself read the third through. Paragraphs that long could be their own room in a house of horrors; they're truly terrifing to readers.

Once bright and joyful flowers, stood tall and frozen like a cement statue.

The comma here seems off. Now, I'm a horrible little student; I haven't memorized a single grammar rule except for what School House Rock gave me. So when I look at grammar, I go by instinct, and my instinct is usually right. And my spider sense is tingling, telling me that this comma doesn't belong. Can't tell you why, though.

Also, just out of curiosity, and because I couldn't tell, what emotion were you expressing here? That might be a dumb question, but whatever.


I'm sorry this review was so short, but I didn't have much to yell at you for! You did a beautiful job on this, and for some reason or another, I like it. Keep posting,
Tex
Religion without science is lame; science without religion is blind.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

-Albert Einstein




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Hey there,

Thanks for the review, I agree about the paragraph and shall change that now :) And to answer your question the emotion is loneliness, and I think that's why I don't really like the piece because I don't think that it depicts the emotion but I could be wrong :)




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My mind became too crowded with all the descriptions given. I cant imagine the place and the situations very clear, just in my opinion or maybe my mind was already crowded even before I had read this one. And also, if it werent for the title, I cant even guess what kind of emotion you are trying to imply. But in the contrary of what I have said earlier, nice descriptive job! I just cant appreciate too many descriptions there. hehe :)

Anyway sorry for my very short review...
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

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Heya! Here to help to the best of my ability: :)

As this is for an English class ( if I didn't completely misinterpret), I'll try to be as thorough as possible with nitpicks. That been said, I really liked the imagery you have going here. I'm completely exhausted at the moment, and the scenery you painted just enveloped me. Thanks for that. ;)

To me it described loneliness, yes, but in a way to make it seem not so bad. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for, but it's what I got out o f it.

Your grammar was fine in general, but there were some sloppy mistakes, which I'll point out for you.

Mid-night's frost


crunches were made while

I'd change it to "as", seeing as the crunches were made due to the grass folding. Here it seems it was just a coincidence that the grass folded too.

The sun rose above the final hurdle of darkness.

Nothing to correct here, just wanted to point out I really liked it. :P

spreading, weaving through life

Just a comma missing.

The smell of fresh grass and the flower's earthy perfume lingered in (this) nose.

Apostrophe missing in "flower's" or if you meant flowers in plural, then the apostrophe comes after the "s". Also, the one in blue confused me a bit. Did you mean to write "his"? "This" works fine here too, though it does sound a bit weird.

but felt, as always

A regular comma here instead of the semi-colon.

light and loneliness remanded

Remained?

all that he had left were the indents made in by his feet in the dirt by the oak tree.

The part in blue sounds awkward, maybe re-phrase it to make it clearer?

The wolf’s four paw prints were still there.

I really like this ending! It completed the picture perfectly.
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And yeah, that's that. As I said before, I thoroughly enjoyed the scene you wrought here. Good job! ^^

Keep at it,
|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Hey there,


Thank you so much WaitingForLife! The comments you have made have been documented and I have changed them in my personal file. (I don't really want to change it on here because then it wouldn't be fair :) ) And iampaulop thank you for your review, and I know what you mean about the overload of descriptions, I am trying other styles of writing, but I always seem to come back to the descriptions :)

Thanks for the reviews :)



are we even writers if we never did huge research and used none of it?
— Kay (NovemberCrow)