What love does to sOme people #2

The day you left was the day I died 
Not physically but mentally 
My soul died that day 
You were gone what else did I have 
A shadow settled upon my life I listened to the sorrows that were know the theme songs to my life 
And that day , that day would be the day I played my self a bloody razor blade lullaby

I would like to add to this so give lots of ideas and feed back

Deeeepressing. All I can say is that since you have in the case of punctuation it's all or nothing, at least in my opinion. This can be taken care of by removing the second "that day" in the last line. The repetition is unnecessary, unless you are going for a rhythm patter which I can't see.

Great job. The imagery was great.....*shudders*. Well done.

Your name makes me laugh. "jedigeek." Hehe.

K, I have to say, I don't really like this...at all. Personal taste perhaps, but it's rather cliche' as there are a MILLION poems very similar to this out there. It's hard to make something original, so don't feel bad! Anyway, I really think you should add some imagery to this. Use unique, emotional imagery, and I might like it.

jedigeek wrote:The day you left was the day I died So here, you state you've died, but how? Put some emotion into your feelings, describe your death, your pain. Paint me a vivid picture.
Not physically, but mentally You stateagain. Show us us how your mind gave out, rather then just saying it did.
My soul died that day Try using a more interesting word then just 'died'.
You were gone. What else did I have?
A shadow settled upon my life; OK, here I took the privledge of making this into 2 lines. You use a little more imagery here. A shadow. Good. Not brilliant, but much better.
I listened to the sorrows that were know the theme songs to my life 'know' should be changed to 'now', eh? Again, you add a little something here, so it's more...interesting and readable.
And that day , that day would be the day I played my self a bloody razor-blade lullabyK, the comma has an extra space in front, and 'myself' doesn't have a space. While this is depressing, I enjoy the imagery MUCH much more then the rest of the poem.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh in my review, but if you were the reader, wouldn't this arouse some questions? Why were you so depressed? Obviously someone you loved left - but how? Through death? A break-up? The narrator leaves a lot hanging. You don't describe HOW you 'die', and it overall, has little emotion to make me CARE that you 'died' and are sad. You could definitely make this into a much better piece, something I might actually enjoy, but it needs a little work. Good luckio!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Matthews. She hit it dead on. Your concept is cliche, but then again, most writing concepts are cliche. The trick is to give a voice that's different enough that the reader doesn't just sigh and close the book. Switch up your words a bit. Make the language interesting, something more than everyday speech. Matthews covered it all really well.

Pm if you have questions