I Wish I Were a Stone

I wish I were a stone.
Cold, unfeeling, dead,
Not caring about anything.

I wish I were a stone.
That way I wouldn’t
Have to face this feeling.

I wish I were a stone,
So that you wouldn’t make
Me all warm and fuzzy inside.

I wish I were a stone
Because you are ruining
Everything.

I once was a stone,
Cold, unfeeling, dead,
Not caring about anything.

But you’ve made me
Warm, feeling, alive,
Everything an assassin
Isn’t supposed to be.

I wish I were a stone,
So that I could do my job right,
And slip that knife between your ribs.

But I can’t do it.

Nice. I like the repetitiveness, and the emotion was really good too! I like that the narrator was an assassin, the hesitation, everything.

Sierra

Hi Chibi! ^^ Here to review.

So, to start off with, I'm going to say that I loved the ending of this poem. It added a twist, and it told more of a story than anything else. The last two stanzas were my favorite by far.

But, on the other hand, there was something that I didn't really like about this poem, and that was how repetitive it was. Obviously, the repition is intentional, but it just sounded clunky with the rest of the poem. The entire thing, up to the last two stanzas or so, seemed... boring, in my opinion. We get it, you wish you were a stone. (Or the character you're writing as in the poem. Whatever. xD) Isn't there anything else you can add to that?

The lines are pretty much saying the same things over again, and it drags along. You're taking too long to get to the point of things, and on top of that, there's just no imagery. That didn't seem like the goal for the poem, granted, but it wouldn't hurt to slip a bit more in. Word-choice might help, as well. You used words that were... well they were just dull, and the phrasing was equally so. I'll elaborate a bit here:

I wish I was a stone.
Cold, unfeeling, dead,
Not caring about anything.

Okay, so the second line is what I'll start off with:
Cold, unfeeling, dead. Emotionally provoking? No, not really. It's extremely boring to read, and it doesn't say much about anything. Elaborate a bit, give me some imagery and something to think about. Something that will actually grab my interest. Explain to me how you wish you were cold, unfeeling, dead Elaborate a bit, and remember: Show, don't tell.

The end honestly was interesting, though, and I did like it. Just try to add as much excitement to the rest of the poem, and you're golden. ^^

Keep Writing,
~~Ish.

Wow! I posted a critique and it didn't show up! ughhhh

I wish I was a stone. I wish I were* a stone
Cold, unfeeling, dead, stones can't be alive so i wouldn't describe them as 'dead'
Not caring about anything. I think this line could have more of an impact if it were written like 'not able to care for anything

I wish I was a stone.
That way, I wouldn’t delete the comma
Have to face this feeling.

I wish I was a stone,
So that you wouldn’t make
Me all warm and fuzzy inside. cliche line...

I wish I was a stone, comma
Because you are ruining
Everything. lovely stanza, I really enjoyed it

I once was a stone,
Cold, unfeeling, dead,
Not caring about anything.

But you’ve made me
Warm, feeling, alive, I don't like the word 'feeling' here in this line
Everything an assassin
Isn’t supposed to be. ooo lovely twist!

I wish I was a stone,
So that I could do my job right,
And slip that knife between your ribs. wow, nice stanza

But I can’t do it. Aw. This is really powerful. You're a lovely writer

I'd love to hear more from you!
-Good luck and keep writing, KatTrain

Wow. Nice poetry.
You are a great writer, but your avatar is really horribly distracting. I mean it. I could barely concentrate.
Don't be afraid. The repetition is nice.
Keep it up.

<- Everything an assassin is supposed to be.

Hiyah!

Great work! Kudos to your repetition technique, especially the middle where the first line changed. I really felt your emotion in the beginning. And I really like the fifth stanza which really shook me. The emotion and feelings that you threw up is just sorrowful in a way that I really like it.

What I noticed is the line:

Everything an assassin

in the sixth stanza, and also the line:

And slip that knife between your ribs.

in the last one.

I think that the words assassin and ribs very clever and it adds more story and background in your drama but, in my opinion, isn't it too precise? I don't want to replace your word with my words, it's your work, your plan. As I said, it's great and vivid, but I think it needs better words.

Still, kudos to you and your work!

Aaaawesome!

This emotion is really great and this poem is so clear.
The only thing wrong with it is it's flow, which stops being weird at this stanza on:

I wish I were a stone
Because you are ruining
Everything.

Because after this stanza everything is really smooth and wonderful and I LOVE your ending.

Great job Shay-Shay

Keep writing,
Alzora/Nixy