Biography of a villain

People wonder why I'm the villain, why I'm so twisted, why I'm so bent on killing my kid. You know what? I'm tired of keeping it in. I guess I'll start at my beginning.

I was never wanted, even as a kid. I ended up on the street when I was four. Yeah, yeah, poor kid. But even then I learned I was the best. No one could stand up to me. Then Minnow came along. It was love at first brawl, and she could punch like no tomorow. I was furious at her for winning, and hated myself for loosing. We where both sixteen when I fell in love. Then she went and got herself adopted. Now that set me off, and I vowed to get my revenge. That was, until ten years later, when she showed up and wanted to sleep with me. Five days later, we were getting along. She let me move in, and we got married. Everything was going smooth, until three years later, when she told me to hit the streets. According to her, she was pregnant, and I was a bad influence on the baby. So, after weeks of arguing, I stormed out, but I always was thinking about revenge. Of course, it wasn't against Minnow herself, but the child which tore us apart.
It just so happened that four years later, I figured out what to do. Minnow was out for the evening and her kid was at home with a sitter. Or so I thought. As I knocked on the door, Minnow opened up. I asked her where the kid was, and she told me to get lost. That angered me, and I lost it. I grabbed Minnow by the neck, and threw her against the wall. Then I took a match and threw it on her carpet, instantly lighting the place on fire. Then I just walked away.

So, you see, nothing is my fault. I didn't mean to kill her. All I want to do is get the kid out of my life. I will, just you wait.

Hey!

So I think your character has a good solid voice and all, with the "yeah,yeah poor kid" part, so that is really good, but overall, you just need to slow this down.

Right now, your jumping from one thing to the next, and I think you need to spend a little bit more time on each part, so you won't confuse your readers. You might want to develop a scene or two, where you can show the reader what is going on. So instead of say "Four years later, we got married" you can actually show them getting married. You can describe the wedding, the vows, if anyone was there, etc. If you do this type of thing for each part of your story, it will really help and stop your story from sounding like one big list.

You might want to check out this article on showing vs. telling, or this one on summary and scene. They give some really helpful tips on how to create some good scenes for your characters. Feel free to PM if you have any comments or questions, as well. I would be happy to help you in any way I can.

Audrey

Hi there! I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this for you today. ^___^

Let's start with just a few nitpicks and comments that I had.

People wonder why I'm the villain, why I'm so twisted, why I'm so bent on killing my kid. You know what? I'm tired of keeping it in. I guess I'll start at my begining.

Firstly, begining is spelled as beginning. It's one of those weird words it actually helps if you break it apart as: Begin-ning. Double n.

Okay for the sentence itself I felt like you had a very strong lead but at the end you dropped the 'I'll start at my beginning' in there and it felt quite abrupt in my mind. Maybe you should try to focus on making that a little long and not so fast. I wish there was more to it. In fact, this piece itself is a little short so if you could work on making that longer, it would benefit your story too. ^^

Then she went and got adopted. Now that set me off, and I vowed to get my revenge.

Okay, this is actually extremely weird - the reason for wanting revenge. If she got adopted isn't that a good thing?
Also, what will he get his revenge on? That he was in love with her and that she left? You should take some time to expand on that a little bit because it's too quick and no real explanation of a sort.

Also, this is going so fast and there aren't even valid reasons. You're just throwing things together that make only half the sense they're supposed to make but don't go into depth with it. It's just boring listening to this character complain about his life in three paragraphs and about revenge and more revenge. Revenge is actually a bit childish and real villains are people who believe that what they're doing is right. Either that or they have a very good reason for being evil. This guy isn't evil and he's not exactly a villain either in my mind, he's more like a thrown out puppy that wants to bite something to get out his anger. After revenge, what's waiting for him?

Another thing, why does he hate his own child? That is his baby and if she thinks he's not a good influence then why doesn't he just change himself? Why is it that he's still a bad influence anyway? Does he still get into fights after all these years? What's going on? Why did she marry him knowing what he's like? See? There are too many questions and not enough answers.

Also, I'd like to mention that you're going a very fast past and using all these year leaps in your writing that's kind of distracting and can also make your character feel less serious along with the writing. Now my main advice for this would be to make this longer and go deeper with your character. Right now, it's all a bit everywhere.

Keep writing and try lengthening this piece a little more.
PM me if you have any other questions.

All the best,
-Shear

I would suggest developoing your character a little more. I think you have a good start, but I don't really feel like I know him.

Detail is extremely important. Like others before me pointed out, you're telling rather than showing. I think you could get away with this if you put it into a diary format, but not if you just have him telling what's going on. And even if you did put it in a diary format, detail is still extremely important.

The part about him wanting to get rid of the kid made me cry:(

At the beginning of your story I thought of this villan kind of like someone from Megamind, wanting to do good but never had the option, but then after the ending I changed my mind:)

What exactly is the plot here? He's telling everyone why he wants to kill his son and why he's a villian? Is there an actual story line here about something that happens? I think with a little more detail this could make a great beginning to a story, but even after adding detail you'll have to add some more to make a plot.

How old is this kid anyway? It only mentions it as a baby. I would love some more detail in the first paragraph. The only thing you explained was he was on the street. What were his parents like? Was he once a good kid but then gave up on life? That would be the number one thing do add to make the story a bit more interesting.

Sorry if I repeated myself too much or repeated what someone else said:)

Hey-oh!

and hated myself for loosing

"Losing"

Five days later, we were getting along.

So what happened in the five days when they weren't getting along? Were they sleeping together but wanting to kill one another? What was this period in their relationship like? I wanna know!

Everything was going smooth, until three years later, when she told me to hit the streets.

Sooo, why would she kick him out if everything had been going smooth? I mean, she says that he'd be a bad influence on the baby, but you just said everything was going smoothly. What made her think this? His past? Well then why was she interested in marrying him? This quick swing around doesn't make much sense.

It just so happened that four years later, I figured out what to do.

Really? It took him four years to figure out how to burn down a building? Why did it take him so long to come up with this plan? What was he doing in the meantime? What was holding him back? Why didn't he do anything immediately?

That angered me, and I lost it.

Mmmkay, here comes a quick note on telling versus showing. This here is telling us that he is angry and, in doing so, is pretty much ruining his statement later that none of this was his fault. He says, right here, that he got angry and lost it. He's saying that he did it. But if you were to show us his anger instead, talk about how this made him feel and show his actions being out of mindless rage, then we would see that it was the rage. Show us him shouting and raving and pushing her out of the way because she wouldn't move or something.

That's this story's main weakness: the telling. It tells us what's happened without much emotion attached to it. I want to see this as it is happening. Rather than saying just that they "argued for weeks", show us some of these arguments. Have some dialogue, some action, something in real time for us to follow and see for ourselves. It cements everything and brings in that much more emotion. As is, I don't buy the guy's story at all. Rather than being somewhat sympathetic, understandable, or at least somewhat relatable, he's just pathetic. I'm not sure if I was supposed to buy into his self-pity a little bit or not (seems like it would be more powerful if I did, because then it would be a bigger shock when it turns out in the end that he really is that despicable) but I didn't.

Flesh it out a little. Show us some stuff rather than just telling us all about it. What you have here is a nice skeleton. Put some meat on it!

Feel free to send me a PM or leave a note on my wall if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

I would like it if you kinda made it into a story but overall I thought it was pretty good. I like your work.