Is freedom the key?

Spoiler

I have been having some doubts in life. Like why I get pressured to always getting the top marks. This is my story.Help would be aprreciated and don't bother correcting punctuation.

CONTAINS SWEARING.


Life.
So much to say, so much to dream
Beginning with those first words
"I want to be a ..."

Oh what a life to have
From the careless baby days to those rebellious teenage ones
Sitting in a class
Full of jerks, bitches and many more!
Gazing out the window thinking
What would life be like without the chains?

The chains of judgement
The chains of truth
The chains of reality
The chains of betrayl
So many.

Dreading going back home
Telling your marks to your parents

Claustrophobic of the air around you
The air of humankind, wavering

Wanting to get out of the busy urban life
Starting fresh somewhere quiet, peaceful.
Where you can be yourself again
Without the pressure.

You plug in those earphones to desperately escape
Only to find as you plug them out, its the same
The same old scenario.

Maybe its those teenage hormones
Maybe its in my blood
To want to run away from the predictable life
To make you want to explore places
That take your breath away.

Without having girls backstab you
Where you have to reassure yourself that they won't tell your secret.
Where all your weakness is laid out for everyone to judge.

I want to run away where nights are spent by the campfire
Sharing life stories
Where when you gaze at the sky,
brilliant stars lit up the night sky.
I wish to spend days,
where all I do is rest,
Mind unclogged from worries.


I want a life where you look in your past and smile
Smile with pity that you didn't act earlier
Where now all your dreams and hopes lay in one place
Growing old but never tired
A place to call home.


Individual they call it
But I won't feel like one
unless I am fufilling my one hope,
To go live a life of freedom

<3

Spoiler

By the way I actually really want to live in Alice Springs or the Nothern Territory(AUS). Or Greece. Or somewhere peaceful and has a great view of natures beauty

Hi,

So, I've noticed that there's minimal emotion in this piece, with this poem, I think that putting emotion in it would definitely help us sympathise with the narrator more. The narrator told us about their life, what they did and such, but they didn't tell us how they felt doing it. I think that this poem seemed a bit flat without emotions, putting emotions in the poem would definitely liven it up a bit.

Also, there are some pretty long lines there, not that that's unacceptable, but I just think that you could've shorten it a bit. With poetry, it's about getting your thoughts across without using concise words in short phrases rather than a gazillion words like you might do with a story. I think that there's some parts where you can fix up the wording a bit. Like this:

sumerlovee wrote:Days are spent resting thinking and not having to worry about
fashion or school.

Could be turned into this

sumerlovee wrote:I wish to spend days,
where all I do is rest,
Mind unclogged from worries.

That's just an example, but do you get what I'm trying to say here? Every word you use in poetry has to add to the story and enhance the poem. So, I'd suggest thinking about your sentences a bit more and try and word some of the differently.

Other than the long sentences, I liked how you introduced the poem, it sent off a kind of innocence and a type of mysterious wonder across to me. I also liked how you did the repetition with chains and such, I think that worked really well.

shiney1 here, and I will be your reviewer today!

Well, I can sense the frustration in this poem, the tiredness at life. But this poem lacks many sensory details, imagery, and the diction is pretty plain. At times throughout this poem I felt like I wasn't reading a poem at all, just a story chopped into pieces. Maybe you could convey this idea better in another format other than poetry. This whole work sounds like it would be read in a monotone, which is never good for a poem.
I will try not to pick on punctuation like you asked, but I will do some if it is necessary to my review.

Life.
So much to say, so much to dream
Beginning with those first words
"I want to be a ..." This first stanza does not hook readers that well, as it is kind of monotone-like.

Oh what a life to have! This "!" mark helps get the reader more interested, and adds more life to the stanza.
From the careless baby days to those rebellious teenage ones
Sitting in a class full of jerks,
Bitches, and many more! Flows better.
Gazing out the window thinking,
'What would life be like without the chains?' Since you are thinking it.

The chains of judgement
The chains of truth
The chains of reality
The chains of betrayal! Good good, this line has more feeling.
So many.

Dreading going back home
and telling your marks to your parents

Claustrophobic of the air around you
The air of humankind, wavering This line is pretty good, but I think this last word ruins it.

Wanting to get out of the busy urban life
Starting fresh somewhere quiet, somewhere peaceful. Sounds better with this touch.
Where you can be yourself again So you stopped talking about yourself and now you are talking about us?aybe you should keep the consistency and continue with the "I's"
Without the pressure.

You plug in those earphones to desperately escape
Only to find as you plug them out,
It's the same old scenario.
Flows better.
Maybe it's those teenage hormones
Maybe it's in my blood okay, now you go back to talking about yourself, but then turn back to us in the last lines. Try to keep it consistent.
To want to run away from the predictable life
To make you want to explore places
That take your breath away.

Without having girls backstabbing you
Where you have to reassure yourself that they won't tell your secret.
Where all your weaknesses are laid out for everyone to judge.

I want to run away to where nights are spent by the campfire
Sharing life stories
Where when you gaze up at the sky,
Brilliant stars light up the night sky.
I wish to spend days,
Where all I do is rest,
Mind unclogged from worries.

I want a life where you look in your past and smile
Smile with pity that you didn't act earlier
Where now all your dreams and hopes lay in one place
Growing old but never tired
A place to call home.


'Individual' they call it,
But I won't feel like one
unless I am fulfilling my one hope,
To go live a life of freedom

So there are things to work on, but don't give up on it. I like the idea.

Thankyou both for helping me I really appreciate it I will fix it soon THANKYOUU <3

Thankyou both for helping me I really appreciate it I will fix it soon THANKYOUU <3

Thnakyou both for helping me I will fix it soon THANKYOUU <3

Thnakyou both for helping me I will fix it soon THANKYOUU <3

Hey, i absolutely LOVE this poem, and I do not at all agree with the other two about it having no emotion. Maybe it's because you've changed it since they gave their reviews, but...
I think it has lots of emotion - I cried! - and I love the way that it's not so obvious!

I've experienced something like it, I've just never been able to put it on paper, I wasn't able to put a "Face" on the feeling the way you have done!

- I absolutely love it! Keep writing!

This is inspiring.. And powerful and strong.. yet sad... this is alot actually! It's hopeful too! It truly holds loads of emotions and I really like it. I like your wording even though I'm not a fan of swearing and other ugly words. The flow and rythm though... some of your lines are too long and other seems cut off short and that kinda disrupts the flow - I wish that you kept some order Overall though this was amazing so, if you put some order into it I want to give you all 5/5 icky spiders that I have stored!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness