Poor little girl

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qaralynn
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Mon May 30, 2011 8:34 pm
qaralynn says... · Mon May 30, 2011 8:34 pm
Poor little girl,
Having your life torn to pieces.
They promised you the world,
Instead they gave you a corner.
It made your eyes grow cold,
And you've forgotten how to smile,
Because you can't longer capture
The body that was once yours.

I pray for you, little girl,
Day and night.
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."
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Butterfinger
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Mon May 30, 2011 9:15 pm
Butterfinger says... · Mon May 30, 2011 9:15 pm
I like this piece! Simple, yet I can feel the emotion. It's interesting in a way that I can't explain. Great work!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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Jasmine Hart
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Mon May 30, 2011 10:12 pm
Jasmine Hart says... · Mon May 30, 2011 10:12 pm
Hi,

This was beautifully written. The opening line was very effective and it flowed well as a whole. I especially enjoyed:
"It made your eyes grow cold,
And you've forgotten how to smile,
Because you can't longer capture
The body that was once yours."
and the final two lines are very effective, perfectly concise and the tone and emotion work very well.

I'd change "torn to pieces". Can you say this in a fresher, more specific way? It might be interesting to experiment with adding a second stanza.

A pleasure.

Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions,

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou
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Bhayden71297
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Tue Jun 28, 2011 2:41 pm
Bhayden71297 says... · Tue Jun 28, 2011 2:41 pm
I loved this. Really did :)

Such a simple poem, but holds so much emotion. The final two lines just wrapped it all up. A great finish to a great beginning...and middle ;P

Great job,
-Brie♥
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley
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Deanie
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Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:26 pm
Deanie says... · Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:26 pm
Simple, short, and really nice. I really like the descriptions in this poem too. I love it just how it is, but it would've been interesting what you might of written in a second paragraph. I love the ending too.
Trust in God and all else follows.

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Veritas
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Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:51 pm
Veritas says... · Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:51 pm
So short and yet so very effective and powerful. I call that a successful poem. I loved "They promised you the world/They gave you a corner". Very, very, powerful. Loved everything about it! Great job!
The words you write reflect your soul. Make every word count.
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The thing about plummeting downhill at fifty miles an hour on a snack platter - if you realize it's a bad idea when you're halfway down, it's too late.
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