trying my hand at the short story...

Uh, this is quite short. It's the second short story I've tried to write. I wrote another that was less cliche, so I'll be posting that soon, too. Hopefully this can be fixed so it doesn't seem too terribly cliche...Anyway it had the F-word and I wasn't sure if that was a PG-13 or an R rating


*blinks*

I"m sorry I really had to delete that. it was majorly bad. *head/desk*

I'm afraid it was so short I couldnt follow what you where on about the fisrt lines discription was good but try and extend it as it was so short it lost all meaning.

elaborate so its easier to follow

Im afraid that isnt a story. Its like I dont know, the opening part of the first chapter. Anyone the first line repetition of 'like' stood out and by that I mean it screams 'change me!'. Please oblige the tortured sentence. Lol, jk. It should be changed though, Im sure as you post more the better it'll become.

Intriguing...

...But for some reason I was expecting an elaboration on the plot.

I liked it, though. It has a sense of mystery and precision, kind of a twist on the status quo, and that's good. Keeps people interested.

And although you want to regard the limited attention span of your audience, it's still helpful to be kind to those that like a full story, and that weren't expecting such a close-off without further explanation.

Great, though. I enjoyed the train of thought you had going, there.

Short stories are quick to read and fun to review. Tiny stories are not. There is a fine line between too long a story, and too shorta piece, but this was way, way way, too short.
This was also a confusing array of run-on sentences, I'm afraid. First your talking as a narrator, then you are questioning yourself, as the the character. Needs elaboration and clarification. It could be very interesting though.

Aww, poor mist hehe. Don't worry. I liked it I seriously did. As a writer who can, it seems, only really write short stories, I understood this, I followed it quite well. I don't think it was too short. It said what it had to say, and said it well (in my humble opinion) I enjoyed the description.

The only real problem I had was in this line

"Her, Julie, baby, sweetheart, most recent "love" of his life"

Not the best ever, run on (trust me - I do this allll the time ) but not in a way that can be followed easily.


Again (though I am aware that it was a while ago you posted this) I liked it =D practice makes perfect, short stories included.

*hearts* Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.

Here are my thoughts on this:

It seemed like an excellent writing stlye, voice, tone....beautiful writing strageties, really. I felt like I was reading a poem.

The problem(s) have to do with the story itself. What I read here was a bunch of facts mixed, stirred, jumbled up into a small story that didn't make an sense. A short story has a beginning, middle, and end--no matter what it is, if they are all jumbled up, or if they are really bad--and this is not. I did not follow the line of events.

Also, this sentence "Her, Julie, baby, sweetheart, most recent "love" of his life." is kinda bad. "Her, Julie, baby" is sort of switching between pronouns and proper nouns (I think?) while the part that says "most recent 'love' of his life" was kind of cheesy.

Hope I helped!