Jumper

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One time I chickened out from jumping off the high dive. As I climbed down, I caught the eye of a boy wearing black trunks with red thunderbolts on his thighs. He was treading water in the deep end with two other boys, both with long faces and shaved heads.
As I walked to the locker room I watched the girls doing backstrokes in the water. I showered quickly. When the hot water touched me I wanted to cry, and I stayed very still for nearly a minute, trying to look straight into the shower head, letting the water pour into my half squinted eyes. Just as I was about to leave the shower the other boys started streaming into the locker room, laughing and kicking. Some brought their towels into the shower, but nobody took off their swimming trunks. I had, because I was planning on getting out before they came in, but I must have lost track of time. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't decide whether to play it cool, stay in the shower, hope no one said anything, or run like a fool to my unlocked locker and wrap my towel around my waist. Before I could do anything, the boy in the thunderbolt shorts, shaved head and rubbery looking skinny boy abs and all 5' 8'' of him whipped my testicles with his towel twisted up like a rat tail. I nearly screamed, and fell onto the ground., banging my knee and bruising my cheekbone. The water poured into my mouth. He loomed over me, looking down, a dead smile on his face and shit in his eyes. His lips looked very chapped. I cupped my sack and moaned, trying to put pressure on it to subdue the thick, nauseating pain.
“What the hell did you do?” a smaller boy said, high pitched and cracking in fright, his hands balled up and elbows crooked.
“Aw, he's okay. Hey, you guys don't have to tell anyone I did it. It was an accident, anyway, right?, didja see? I didn't even mean to touch him. He got in the way sorta, didn'tja see?.
From the floor of the pool, I retched, choking on hot, chlorinated water.
“You don't even gotta tell anyone it happened I mean I know I wouldn't wanna. Ouch I'm sorry, that musta hurt man. Hey, you okay?”
He bent down. I looked up, straight up his thunderbolts.
“Why aren'tcha wearing any trunks, man?”
I looked up at his face with my red rimmed eyes, bloodshot and drying out. When I saw the regret in his eyes, the tenderness, I started crying again, although I had never quite stopped so I was only crying harder. My lip curled and I let out a sob.

Everything smelled like chlorine and wet dog. A few of the smaller boys, and one bigger boy clustered around the vending machines that they weren't allowed to buy from, gazing at the candy.
“I would buy the famous amos. I love famous amoses.”
“Yeah, famous amoses are so good!”
I stood out of the way, still rubbing my hair with my towel, watching for the girls to start leaving the locker room. They always took longer than us. The first one to come out was a black girl, well only half black, but with the most beautiful long hair. One time in our kindergarten class I had traded her a small toy skateboard for a kiss, but it was all wrong, her standing a head above me and leaving like she was in a hurry as soon as her lips touched mine. Next was a tall latina girl, thin and with already oily skin. All of the other girls, all white girls, came out soon after. Some of them were pointing and laughing at me. I wondered if someone had told them yet what had happened in the shower room. As we waited to get on the school bus, I stood away from the crowd, shifting from foot to foot, trying not to show my discomfort. My testicles had swollen and darkened. I took frequent breaks to walk to the water fountain around the corner to check on them. My penis was engorged with blood, and had taken on a red hue that made me think of boiled hotdog. When I poked it, it tingled in a very satisfying way, and I couldn't stop rubbing it through my pants on the bus ride back to school.
What's good money




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Well first point. Do you plan to continue this, or is the end? If it is it seemed kind of pointless. It was funny, but didn't have a conflict or a resolution really. if it was only ment to be humoous then it was okay. I think you might be able to go somewhere with it, but for the moment it could be a lot better. I think you could be really great just keep working at it.

Forever, Writer.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.




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Thanks for your comment. Yeah, it was originally going to be continued but I I decided not to. I guess my point turned out to be to draw a picture of middleschool.
What's good money




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Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
Hi Leroy. This is a very good piece, but because you decided not to continue I wouldn't really call it a short story; it is more of a flash fiction piece. This has really good description and it gives us a good image of what is going on, but it doesn't really have any story line.

This also isn't very long so this review will probably be even shorter. One thing I would like to talk about the beginning. It kind of seems like you were using the whole 'high dive' thing to get around to tell the story. It wasn't really needed. In flash fiction everything needs to be important. Another reason I don't like this is because it didn't really draw me in. This isn't a piece where you really introduce your characters so you should get right to the action.

Or at least, you didn't seem to want to introduce your characters very much. I would like to have gotten to know them better. I had lots of questions after reading that weren't wrapped up. I wanted to know why the boy with the red lighting swimming trunks wanted to hit the naked boy. Also, why did he act like he wasn't trying to do anything in front of his friends. Wouldn't he want to act all cool in front of them? I'm not sure, I'm a girl so I don't know the way guy's minds work.

But mainly I would have liked to know the emotion of the characters better. This would have made the piece seem more relate-able. I want to understand what this boy is thinking. You know? Right now this piece is very foreign to me - like if I was reading about someone with different, unexplained customs.

Besides that I think you would have to expand this before I could say much else about it. I do think expanding this could help, but it is fine as is. If you have any questions P.M. me!

Hope I helped,

Calli <3



Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria