Could Have Been Both of Us

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
You are more than my love, you were my very best friend
The one who we swore that we would stick through it till the end
You had it all, my trust and my love, it was all there
I never had the time to show you how much I cared
Yes, I was confused and yes I felt used but I new from the start you would never abuse
I knew the feelings you had for me were true,
the time we shared gave me all these plans
Of you being my man, being able to hold your hand
All I wanted was to look into the eyes that made me smile
and kiss the lips that made me shake
Now I'm here with these memories in my head I cant erase
I followed the path with you, let go of my past for you
And all the plans we had were gone, what was I suppose to do?
You told me you would never make me cry, that you would never lie
Now I'm hearing all your alibi’s, about the times I didn’t try
You brought me joy, you made me glad but what about the times
You were going to make me sad?
I understand now when you told me how hard it was to see me with another man
Its hard for me to see you with your girl now
when deep down I know your better somehow
Its hard to see you happy when I thought your happiness was here
I thought my touch was the thing only thing that made your pain disappear
you chose to go with her and that’s something I accept, nor do I neglect
The feelings I felt for your still haven’t left.
I always pictured us together, and I hope you see that I never said never.
Sometimes I wish theses feelings would have lasted forever
Yet you left me in the storm facing all this bad weather
The feelings died, well for you, because I'm here living a lie
Thinking one day you will be back by my side
I don’t get why you had to leave, why did you deceive, and
made believe That it was always me, your future would see
The feelings we felt were so wrong, but you never understood that it was right
And I knew the road would have been rough but all we had to do is fight
To make it to the times where we see the light even in the dark nights
So to make your answer simple
No, no one should give up for love,
because if you would’ve been patient it could have been both of us.
But baby, I'm sorry you gave up.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3820
Reviews 90
First of all, welcome to YWS!

I like the message your poem gives.

Your punctuation seems a bit off and your flow could be a bit smoother, but all and all I think this is a very good poem.

Keep Writing,
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5081
Reviews 270
Pup here! I'll try to help.

Yes, I was confused and yes I felt used but I new from the start you would never abuse

If you want the repetition there, you should put another comma after the second "yes", to keep it uniform. Also, it's "knew", not "new". New is something you haven't had for a while, Knew is something you..... well, know.

and kiss the lips that made me shake

This is the first line that stood out to me. It's not really like the rest of your poem, and I like it.

what was I suppose to do?

Should be "supposed".

Its hard for me to see you with your girl now

Should be "it's".

when deep down I know your better somehow

You want to say "your are" here, so it should be "you're" instead of "your".


Sometimes I wish theses feelings

Should be "these"--take out the s.

I don’t get why you had to leave,

It would probably be better to use some variation of "understand" rather than "get" here, unless you're writing the way people talk, which I think you kinda are.

On the whole... you seem to be rhyming just to rhyme, and you lose some of the beauty of poetry that way. For instance, "The cat sat" rhymes, but it's not a pretty poem. I can see your emotion here, but it's still missing something, somehow.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8413
Reviews 52
Hi there, and welcome to YWS, AR. (If you don't mind me calling you that for short...)

Anyway... review time...

First off, I liked it. You chose an often-used topic, but you made it your own, and it worked really well. :) There were a few things I noticed that could use a little work. For instance, like freewritersavvy mentioned, the flow and punctuation are a bit off, but hey. It's poetry. Punctuation doesn't really matter as much in poetry, you know? As for flow, it's not necessary in poetry, but it's nice to see. :)

You are more than my love, you were my very best friend,
The one who we swore that we would stick through it till the end. I like this line. It's probably one of my favorites in the whole poem. Just, the beginning of it seems to be worded a bit awkwardly, you know? Keep it, but maybe try wording it a bit differently?
You had it all, my trust and my love, it was all there Right here, and isn't really necessary. Placing a comma there would smooth it out a little.
I never had the time to show you how much I cared
Yes, I was confused and yes I felt used - but I knew from the start you would never abuse
I knew the feelings you had for me were true,
Right here, the rhyming feels a little forced. Rhyming's cool and all, but you don't have to make it rhyme so many times within the lines as well as at the end. Where I put the dash, you could actually break that up and make it into two separate lines, and that one line could just be taken out.
The time we shared gave me all these plans
Of you being my man, being able to hold your hand. Again with the forced rhyming and such.
All I wanted was to look into the eyes that made me smile
and kiss the lips that made me shake
. You seem to have an AA BB rhyme scheme going, and having smile end this line sort of breaks it. If you combine these two lines together somehow, it'd keep the pattern.
Now I'm here with these memories in my head I cant erase
I followed the path with you, let go of my past for you,
And all the plans we had were gone. What was I suppose to do?
You told me you would never make me cry, that you would never lie.
Now I'm hearing all your alibi’s, about the times I didn’t try. Forced rhyming...
You brought me joy, you made me glad, but what about the times
You were going to make me sad?
Maybe combine these two into one line and reword a little? Sorry, but this sort of throws the rhyme off too...
I understand, now, when you told me how hard it was to see me with another man This line is sort of lengthy and wordy. Rewording it a little could help the flow a lot. :)
It's hard for me to see you with your girl now,
When deep down I know you're better somehow.
Its hard to see you happy when I thought your happiness was here.
I thought my touch was the thing only thing that made your pain disappear
You chose to go with her, and that’s something I accept, Nor do I neglect The bolded part would work better if it started the next line.
The feelings I felt for your still haven’t left.
I always pictured us together, and I hope you see that I never said never.
Sometimes I wish theses feelings would have lasted forever,
Yet you left me in the storm facing all this bad weather. I really liked these two lines right here. :)
The feelings died, well for you, because I'm here living a lie,
Thinking one day you will be back by my side. Forced rhyming.
I don’t get why you had to leave, why did you deceived, and
made believe that it was always me, your future would see.
The feelings we felt were so wrong, but you never understood that it was they were right. Keep the tense constant. :)
And I knew the road would have been rough but all we had to do is was fight
To make it to the times where we see the light, Even in the dark nights. To keep to the rhyme scheme, take that part and elongate it into its own line.
So to make your answer simple,
No, no one should give up for love,
Because if you would’ve been patient, it could have been both of us.
But baby, I'm sorry you gave up.


Okay, so yeah. This really is a great poem. I made a few suggestions in red and fixed a few things in blue. I hope they help in some way or another. The only other suggestion I have for the poem that would make it just a little more pleasing to the eye would be to break it up into stanzas or whatever. As I read through it, I noticed how easy it would be for you to break it up, so it wouldn't take too much effort, but it's really not necessary if you don't want to.

The last four lines are awesome. Great way to end the poem! (Also, since they don't follow the rhyme scheme at all and are just set off by themselves as a pretty ending, it's another reason that breaking it up into stanzas. :)

Overall, it was a great poem. I liked the emotions and such that you showed it in. You've got real talent in poetry, my friend. Keep it up!

-Emily
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1138
Reviews 22
You are more than my love, you were my very best friendThe one who we swore that we would stick through it till the end
You had it all, my trust and my love, it was all thereI never had the time to show you how much I cared
Yes, I was confused and yes I felt used but I new from the start you would never abuseI knew the feelings you had for me were true,the time we shared gave me all these plans
Of you being my man, being able to hold your hand
All I wanted was to look into the eyes that made me smile and kiss the lips that made me shake

I liked this part of the poem it has so much emotion and detail. Keep it up its really good!!
"i will not bow"



What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines