Rainy Day

It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent
It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky
I close my eyes
Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy

Hey again.

The mistakes will be pointed out in red, while my critique on that part will be in blue.

It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent
It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are
The way you repeat 'people are' and 'consistent' is improper writing and it's distracting to the reader. Try coming up with a synonym for repeated words or find a way the words can work.
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars
The imagery here is very well executed, good work.
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky
Here, the repeated words work, see?
I close my eyes
Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy

Try adding some punctuation and keep the critiques I've given you in mind. Good work, keep writing!

Its a little raw, but not all-together bad. With a little practice and some time revising this, it could turn into a solid work. Keep writing!

Some punctuations corrections:

It is raining --
Steady and consistent;
I am alone --
Safe and consistent.
It is dry where the people are,
But it is loud where the people are quite confusing lines, and the repetition is not emphasising any concept or anything...
So I sit in the silence,
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall.
I lean back against the grey chain link fence,
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars...
Then I look up at the sky,
The sagging grey sky;
I close my eyes,
Dripping...
Cold...
Alone...
Happy.
I am happy!

The middle part was a bit rough, but the ending works well with the mood, I think. This is probably one of the poems that make an impression if you read them out loud dramatically. Not bad, overall, but a little rough. You might want to re-edit it sometime.

Nice poem. Though I didn't quite understand it, is the narrator happier alone in his own world? That would make sense, I don't know, I'm not that good at poetry, but great job with this one!

~~Destiny110

P.S. soryy for the really short review, i'm tired and sleepy, and it's 11:30 AM here xP

Hi there.

So, I noticed a few things when reading this through.

HaydenMacaw wrote:I am alone
Safe and consistent

I don't quite understand why you've put consistent there. I don't think that's the best way to describe being alone. Try another adjective maybe.

HaydenMacaw wrote:It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky

There are some repetitive words here that I think could be replaced, like 'the people' although it's nothing major, I think that it'd be better if the second 'the people' is changed into 'they' or something like it. Another word that comes up quite a bit is 'grey' surely there must be better ways to describe things than 'grey'. Grey just doesn't give off very much, especially if you are to use it three times. Think about what other ways you can describe them besides grey. Like lonely chain link fence or hardened concrete wall. Using other adjectives makes the poem seems more interesting and alive.

I like the ending. I liked how you put each word on a single line by itself to emphasize them. Overall, great ending but, I'd suggest you to think about the adjectives you use a little more.

I'm not sure if this is exactly cricket, but I think some of you have missed the point. Repetition is a technique intentionally used. For example, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrcok (Eliot) repeats "Do I dare?" over and over again to ingrain it in the audiences' mind. In this case, the repetition of 'consistent' is quite clever - how better to emphasize consistency than to consistently repeat a word, especially 'consistent'? I also really like the repetition of 'grey' in the latter stages of the piece. I think it creates a vivid image of a drab, dull, repetitive world, described by a drab, dull, repetitive word. The only questionable instance of repetition has already been pointed out by Writerwithacause.

Overall I quite like this piece. Contrary to majority opinion, I think your use of repetition is highly effective. Well done Hayden

Hi! I wasn't sure about the repetition at first but after reading this for a second time, I think it sounds okay. The only repetition I don't like is where the word grey is repeated, with the wall and the fence. Where it describes the sagging grey sky though, is fine, and sagging is a great way to describe it. Also, the melting colours of the cars? Awesome contrast between the dull of the sky and everything else, and really puts an image in my head of cars looking blurry through the rain, but bright. I like the ending too, but I think that "I am happy" is very direct and is kind of telling rather than showing, so maybe if you said that you smiled or something that indicated you were happy, the reader would work it out for themselves rather than just be told straight. Apart from that though, really good! And I can relate - being out in the rain is awesome.

This poem is really good. There are parts of the poem where it is a little repetitive such as

It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent

but other than that is is very good. I love how provoke the reader to think you are trying to say solitude in the cold rain is bad and then you end with

Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy

my main suggestion to you is increase your vocab so you don't have to be so repetitive with your rhyme scheme. Keep writing and well done :3

HaydenMacaw wrote:It is raining,
Steady and consistent;
I am alone,
Safe and consistent.
Okay, the repitition doesn't really work here. The second time you say "consistent", I don't understand how it works with the context. How are you consistent? If it's an important point you want to make, say it in a way that makes a bit more sense. I'd suggest replacing it with "content", unless you want to save that 'till the end.
It is dry where the people are,
But it is loud where the people are.
Again, the repitition doesn't really work or flow. Try rewording it to something like, "It is dry where the people are, but the people are loud" or something else along those lines.
So I sit in the silence;
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall.
I lean back against the grey chain link fence,
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars,
This one line is long enough to break into two, like "I stare through the wind and water/at the melting colors of parked cars". It could go either way, but that one long line is distracting. I like your imagery there, though. Nice work.
Then I look up at the sky,
The sagging grey sky.
I close my eyes.
Dripping.
Cold.
Alone.
Happy.
I am happy.

Another rain lover, eh? I know exactly what you're talking about in the poem. It's very simple, but I like it, if only because I understand it. I would also suggest adding puntuation. I added it for you above, in blue, and believe me, it does make a difference. Anyway, I hope I helped.

>>Annie<<

Ok, you really need some punctuation in this!!!
Other than that, though, this is pretty good! The flow could use some tweaking but the emotion and grammar is beautiful.
I like this poem a lot, so congrats
The last couple of lines are also very good, so make sure you keep them the same from this point:

Dripping

onwards, ok (except for the grammar, add some commas and a period at the end)?

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hello there. :3

Nitpicks:

HaydenMacaw wrote:It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent

Rain! I love it when it rains. And the smell of earth and the smooth wind! I could go on and on. Well, rain is all in all just awesome. And your first line makes me want to read it more. But then the repetitions kind of irritate and annoy me. “Consistent”, the second time is not at all needed. How are safe and consistent related in any possible way? Try thinking of something else.

HaydenMacaw wrote:It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are
So I sit in the silence

Okay, so here when you say people, you want to point out to the people other than you that are the crowd. But the repetition again does not do any justice to the poem. Reword it. No one would like reading the same words in a poem in so small intervals.

HaydenMacaw wrote:My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence

Again! Do not repeat grey. Avoid repetitions as much as you can. It is better for your poem to be loved by all the others.

HaydenMacaw wrote:I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars

This poem is a bit too big compared to the other lines so it tends to meddle with the flow of the poem and it feels kind of awkward to read a big line in between lines which are comparatively smaller.



Punctuations, my dear friend! It is the one thing that your poem lacks and it is one of the most important of them all. You need to add punctuations. Let the reader know where to pause and where to stop. And without punctuations the reader would be like an aimless wanderer. You have to give the reader a path to walk on. So add the punctuations as Annie said.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

Hello! I liked this poem. It was very sweet and simple but showed an insight about the character. I do have some corrections though. My critiques/ comments will be on the side. Here goes:

It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent- It is distracting and takes away from the flow when you use the same word in the same place.
It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are- Same goes for these two lines.
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars- Loved this line. It has great imagery in just that tiny of a word.
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky- I think that the flow would be better if you combined the two sentences such as: Thenn I look up at the sagging grey sky.
I close my eyes
Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy

So, overall, like I said, it was a nice poem. But some elements could be changed as noted by other users as well. Good job. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

All of it looks good but grey is misspelled. its spelled G-R-A-Y

I love that this was not cliche. The "narrator" we shall called it, noted that it was dry with other people (which I'm gaining can also be used as a metaphor for the whole life) but dosen't wish to be with them. I also like that she/he is not just dreadfully emo. Though I love this poem the part at the top where "Consistent" and "Are" are used at the end of sentences so close together disrupts the flow. It could be tweaked here and there but overall I liked it.
Forever, Writer.