The Demon Within (Part 1)

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Thanks a lot!

Hi there!

Okay, so I read a bit into this and had to immediately pause. I had a "What the heck just happened?!" moment, and I really hate those. Here's what went wrong:

His words sent a cold, sharp finger from the nape of my neck straight down to my lower back. He then- wait, maybe I should first explain how this all began.

From then on, I didn't want to keep reading. Interrupting serious action with a flashback/explanation/info-dump is a big no-no. You have to gradually step down from something like that, not just throw a whole new pace at the reader and expect them to stay tuned. I understand that you probably want to keep that hook - believe me, it's effective - but you need to switch it around. To me, this can probably be solved by starting somewhere in or directly before the phone call about the dead dog.

Another problem:

It started about a month ago. I was at home working on my English essay when my cell phone rang. I checked the caller I.D to see that it was my friend, Colton calling. We aren’t really close friends, but we talk during our biology class and we share the odd phone call. He is a quiet guy that often keeps to himself. Not many people know or talk to him, but that’s high school for you, if you aren’t considered “popular” or worth talking to, then you can enjoy being invisible. We actually only began talking because in grade nine we had math together. I guess he began developing a crush on me, but I never liked him in that way. Even though things didn’t turn out exactly how he wanted them to, we became good friends because of it.

That's a super-mega info dump right there. I skipped over most of it. I would suggest separating these facts and placing them other places throughout the story, because that's too much information in one spot.

Once you end the phone calls and the carefully placed explanations, then you should go on to the beginning hook scene. That way, you won't have that awkward change, and the next part starts right where you left off.

Thanks for posting this! :)

Hello!

First off, I have to agree with liveinthelight about this sentence:

silentwords wrote:He then- wait, maybe I should first explain how this all began.

It's really, really abrupt and kind of leave the readers hanging before finally managing to figure out what's happening again. It sort of corrupts the flow and not very well written. I wouldn't cut it off halfway like how you did, I'd suggest changing it to this maybe:

His words sent a cold, sharp finger from the nape of my neck straight down to my lower back.

A month ago

I was at home working....

Or something along the lines of that. Just don't cut it off halfway.

You did have some info dumps here, but that's not a problem that big as it didn't deter me away from reading the rest. You also showed us what's going on, especially in the first few paragraphs, which is really good. Well, I thought it was good anyway.

Although, I do kind of wonder what happened to Colton's dog. There's nothing in there saying what happened to the dog. Did people think some stranger killed it? Or was it something else? I think that it'd be good if you include a bit of information on what happened to Colton's victims.

Other than that, I liked this piece, you used 'show, not tell' brilliantly as said before, and the plot is really interesting and you kept it moving at a reasonable pace so that it isn't too slow, but isn't too fast so that the readers get left behind. A story well written, I'd say.

Hey Silentwords!

I knew that I had to do something, but my numb legs wouldn’t budge. They felt like two tree trunks that had grown roots deep into the hardwood floors. I watched with terror-filled eyes as he clutched the knife so tight that his entire right arm began to tremble unnervingly. I could see his knuckles beginning to turn a ghostly white, and his breathing was doubling in time. Our racing heart beats pulsed in unison like a tribal drum. I looked up into his burning brown eyes, which reminded me of two jittery wild fires determined to kill. I swallowed the bundle of nerves that had collected at the back of my throat in an effort to ease my breathing, but with no prevail.

You almost have a good hook into your story but there were some instances the where sentences fell a bit flat and weak. And at some point were you've described the man's eyes two times in a row, one of which was "terror-filled" that could have been "shown" best. And also with the "breathing part", I think you could've have tone it down. The last one needs rephrasing too because it didn't quite make a sense to me.

He then- wait, maybe I should first explain how this all began.

What is this? A movie? You couldn't just change the scene by just a snap of a finger. Remember that your character's in a state of a serious situation and she's leading your readers all the way down to the end. Then suddenly, here comes the "Oh. Wait. Let's go to look at the flashback." As if she has a remote control, paused the scene and rewind the story. I'm no against flashback but this just seemed surprising. Try slowing scenes down as much as possible. Also, your character's voice here was very casual and relaxed, this almost broke the connection between me and her.

I was at home working on my English essay when my cell phone rang. I checked the caller I.D to see that it was my friend, Colton, calling.

Unless his name is Colton Calling, the comma wouldn't be necessary, yes? ^^

I was cut off by the sounds of heaving breathing and what possibly sounded like tears.

This line confused me. How do tears sound? And heaving breathing can mean anything. Whether he's in a heart attack or something. A hiccup sound could be better.

I intelligently asked, “What?”

I'm not sure with the word "intelligently".

“I killed my dog, Ashley! I’m a murderer!” He cried so loudly that I had to pull the phone away from my ringing ear.

This made me laugh because I thought he was referring to a human.

He voice was like an electric shock that sent my body back into motion.

His

I will admit that I couldn’t look at Colton the same

The same as before?

Colton had killed a boy from our school. Yes, a living, breathing, teenage boy.

Why she doesn't sound scared or surprised? Like it's just an ordinary thing for her to know? We need more reactions and emotions.

Colton has no memory whatsoever of killing him

It'd be best if you had to say Tyler instead of a pronoun for him, since you've just started a new paragraph.

~

Okay. I think you have a good story idea here. The mysterious atmosphere on this chapter is great, but your character doesn't convince us very much to be scared in that scary situation. She didn't sound like she was about to the call the cops, (although she told us she wanted to, anyways) she was more like, "Colton did it again." *sighs* We need more of her personality and actions. Build more the environment around her.

The pacing had been interrupted at the middle part where in it was abrupt for you to flashback the scenes. So yeah, don't spoonfed us with so much surprises.

Grammar wise, as based on my nitpicks, try rereading this one again and if ever you have stumbled on something awkward, then it means that there's something wrong. And yes, we need more emotions from Ashley, your main character. As with the continuing events, what Ashley have failed to show was her personal thoughts. Like wouldn't she think that there's really something wrong with Colton? Like wouldn't she, by any chance, suspect that he's not an ordinary human being but a demon, perhaps? And what ever happened to the dead bodies? What ever happened to the family of the victims? The police? So we need those questions to be answered because your character didn't give us the chance to know the outcome of Colton's abrupt behavior.

Overall, this has potential. Let me know if you have any questions. I'll be looking forward to the next past of your story.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Content wise, it was pretty good. I am nervous all through out the story.. I have noticed this

I was cut off by the sounds of heaving breathing and what possibly sounded like tears

heaving breathing... uhmmmm ?

He voice

sort of typo??

Im just confused by the way you write it, when you switched on telling the past happenings. Some events occur very quick because you jump from an event to another.

Well over-all I FELT IT

Okay, I made a new post of this story here: topic81845.html
I decided to post the entire story (and it is the original version). I have made a few edits but I still think it needs more work. If anyone wants to check it out and give me some suggestions that would be great!
Thanks a lot

That is brilliant!!!
Can't wait for the next bit (there will be one though, right?)
The line "...and what sounded like tears" is fine, but that's probably my inner poet talking
It just adds a little more imagery to the story.

Also, Jeremy; the boyfriend to build up more suspense try fleshing him out a bit: for example, have a conversation between Ashley and Jeremy, maybe in place of the murder scene at the start...or something
But anyway, great story and I can't wait for the next one!!!