Ashes and Teeth

See Ashes and Teeth: The Revision

Hey there, Hayden. Here to review this interesting little short story you wrote. You know, sometimes I find myself tongue tied when I read something as descriptive as this piece here. Because there is so much to comment on and complement on as well as critique, that by the time I usually get to the reviewing part, I find it hard to be as articulate! But I'll do my best, because this was a very cool read, and I believe you deserve the thorough feedback.

Generally, I found your use of imagery and way of describing each moment, so illusive. And with this type of darker writing, I feel you nailed the mood perfectly. The darkness in the story - for me- actually set up that sort of dreamscape setting. An entirely surrealistic scene of sorts, which was nice because at first it was just the mood of the story, really. Or at least that's the vibe I got from it as I was reading. But then, at the end you just happened to make it a dream and I thought that was really nicely executed.

There were also a few tinier details I found I thought were neat as I read through this. One in particular was this here:

Was it his eyes? They glimmered darkly. His irises flashed like polished onyx.

I've noticed many -many- times before, where I review a work and somewhere along the lines the writer describes the eyes of the love interest or whatnot. They tend to make it more of a cliche and unnecessary detail to write about, whereas the way you wrote this part here, does not seem so blindingly "done-before". You had an eloquent way with your words that read smoothly probably the whole way through. And that's probably the very main thing I can respect about this story.

The way you ended this, to be honest, let me down in a way. I mean I understood the concept and all, but it seemed a little too simply done. I didn't end up figuring out the significance of Red's character enough to really feel much of an effect by the time you brought the story to its conclusion. I would probably focus on being a little more creative with the ending here.

Another thing I noticed as far as grammar goes, in the dialogue you would place periods where commas would go. An example:

“Alright. Another question(,)” he said in a hushed tone.

I've mad the corrections in red for you. You wouldn't actually place a period after dialogue unless there's a separate thought, or no thought at all accompanying it. But here, and in a few other places, you have the character saying something and then something like:

He said in a hushed tone.

It's incomplete if you place the period before you can get that last part in with it. (If that makes any sense.) -I apologize if it doesn't. sometimes I'm not always the best explainer, but I hope you got what I mean! ^-^

Anyway, another part I really liked was the way you had Red repeating the words,"Do you believe me now?", to Wendy. It read off so ominously. I think it was a great way of detailing their encounter with one another and his unvailing of being the devil. But I also noticed that it seemed a little self proclaimed. Like maybe he was bad or evil, but not exactly the devil.

Anyway, overall great job I think. I really did like this. It was a fun read. And I hope my review was in some way beneficial to you.

-Smylin'

Darkness shrouded the land. This first sentence seems a bit corny. The rest of this story is much better than this first line. I don't know if it needs to be removed entirely or just reworked, but it needs working.Shadows swelled into towering cathedrals. They swept across the earth and up the trees and mountains. The darkness was an entity, a presence that had settled over the wilderness.I like how you set the scene before introducing the main character. Every time I try that, it just sounds wrong. It was alien to Wendy Grimm, like a pilgrim from a foreign, unknown land.

Wendy stood in the darkness alone. Fingers of the talking winds snatched her dress.I would replace 'fingers' with 'tendrils' and then 'talking' with 'whispering'. But at the same time, I like the originality of talking compared to whispering. I guess it depends on if you want the world dark and eerie or creaking. Her long, dark hair rippled around her face. All was dark and silent. Deathly leaves fell from the darkness.'Deathly leaves'? Really? You can do better than that. They clung to the grass and dirt. As the moon ascended into the sky, shadows and leaves fell at her feet. I would replace 'into' with either 'in' or 'to', but both of them together breaks the flow of the sentence.

She was not afraid, but she was wide awake, I would pull out the second 'she'. It seems a little redundant.as if her senses were heightened by the darkness. Her blood boiled in her veins with an anxious fever. Here I would take out the first 'her' because it also sounds redundant.

There was something about the unfamiliar darkness that called to her, and she had an unexpected desire to call back to it. There was a name on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to speak. However, she did not know who would be in the woods to hear it. She gets really redundant here as well. Use your own judgement to decide where it can be cut out.

Wendy did know one thing. She was there for a reason. To find Red. You have three sentences here, but if could be shortened to two if you replaced one period with a colon. I don't think it really matters which two sentences you put it between.

Rather hesitant, she spoke his name. “Red!” Did she shout it (like the punctuation suggests), or was it whispered (as the atmosphere suggests)?

Her voice was carried through the forest by the wind like a vapor. I think it would sound better if you replaced 'carried' with 'borne'. More mystical sounding to fit with the setting.Wendy was unsure of what she had done. She called a friend's name. What is there to be unsure about? If you added in that she felt a subtle shift in the air and then added your sentence to the end of that, it might make more sentence.She waited apprehensively.

Suddenly, a voice behind her came to life, as if it had been born from the air and darkness. The second half of that sentence doesn't make sense. Sorry, but it doesn't. At face value it sounds good, but when you think about it it really sounds strange.It was a beautiful, but chilling voice. It rang like haunting bells. “Wendy.” It spoke her name.

Wendy whirled around to see Ethelred Antonescu The last name sounds like you were really stretching for a name. Kind of like you had the alphabet in a hat and plucked letters, then decided it was a name. The first sound good, but maybe for the last name you could come up with something... more real?—more commonly known by his nickname, Red—standing amongst the shadowsIf it sounded like he was more of the shadows than with the shadows, it would add to his amazingly awesome Gothicness.. His white face stood out against the darkness. Red had a tall forehead, a bony face. His round, chiseled chin and jaw were motionless, along with the curves of his lips.Chin, jaws, what's the difference? He was as she remembered him; The semicolon you have just to the left should be a colon, since the three adjectives are more of a list than another sentence.unblinking, ageless, and immortal. He was a beautiful statue, born from the air and shadows. More air and shadows? Maybe if it was something like 'ash and blood' it would sound better.

His skin was white like ashes. I'm sorry, ''White like ASHES'? Aren't ashes a more grey?It emitted an iridescent lightOr you could just say that his skin seemed to glow.. His long, blonde hair fell around his face to the collar of his dark military jacket. The moon glinted off his boots. The picture I'm getting here is like an evil Carlisle from Twilight the movie.

Wendy leaned toward Red absentmindedly, but then faltered. Her arm was outstretched to him, but her fingers had curled back. What do you mean her fingers 'curled back'? Are we talking really messed up joints or what?Something was off about him. Was it his eyes? They glimmered darkly. His irises flashed like polished onyx. She looked up at him and she glanced at the shadows at his back. How is she looking up at him-- I'm assuming she's looking at his face-- and then looking at the shadows on his back? Also, 'she' gets a little redundant here.

Wendy felt an icy wind upon her, but realized it was not the wind at all. It was Red’s breath. When you say 'wind' I think something pretty strong. I associate something more like 'breeze' with a breath.

“Red.” Wendy breathed. Her feet were rooted to the ground.

He nodded and flashed a bewitching, white grin. “Wendy, what are you doing out here alone?” I have trouble hearing those words in anything other than concerned. If you were to add that his grin was almost taunting, it would work better.

Wendy lifted her face to him. “I came to find you, Red.”

Red said in a charming, classic voice, How do you get a classic voice? If it was 'classic Red voice', it would make more sense.“Good. I wanted to be with you.” In a flicker, Red was but inches from Wendy. The fragrance of his skin was disturbing to her. He smelled of roses and blood. It contorted her stomach. She turned her face from him. The last three sentences sound really choppy. I think if you combined the last two, it wouldn't be so disruptive to to the flow.

Red’s fingers brushed her arms delicately like spiders. Sorry to pick on this, but I kind of want to know if he brushed his hand up her arm, down her arm, or if he just lightly touched it as he brushed to the left or right of her arm.She cringed at his touch and said in a shuddering whisper, “You’re so cold.”

Wendy found his eyes. They were searching her, drinking her in.I see the phrase 'drinking her in' way too much in reading. I would replace it with something along the lines of 'sipping in the site like champagne.' “I see you’re wearing my dress. Do you like it?” I almost started laughing right there. It sounds like the dress belonged to Red, as in he wore it in his cross-dressing days.His beautiful lips trembled. Why are his lips trembling?He had ignored her remark. The 'had' in the last sentence seems unnecessary.

Wendy wore a red lace dress. Its slim straps barley clung to her thin shoulders. The dress fell in a billowing skirt around her knees. She was also sporting brown leather combat boots. What is with the combat boots?

“It’s beautiful, Red.” Wendy said hesitantly. Her brow furrowed. Red smiled.

Red touched a finger to her lips. His fingers were like ice. “You’re beautiful, Wendy.” She shivered. “You’re as beautiful as an angel.” It sounds more like a smooth speech than a jolty teenage boy if he says, "You're nothing short of angelic."

Wendy narrowed her eyes. “Don’t talk to me about angels.”

Red’s face was so close to hers that she could feel the coldness of his skin sinking into her bones. “Why not?”

“Angels are religion’s thing.” Wendy said in a whisper. Religion disgusted her.

The dead silence hung uncomfortably between them. I think if you take out the word 'uncomfortably', we will still understand that it is not a companionable silence.An itch crept up Wendy’s spine.

Then, from the stillness, Red spoke. Something there isn't right. Something with the 'from the stillness' bit needs to be changed.“Wendy, may I ask you a question or two?”

Wendy nodded. “Sure.” She clawed at an itch on her neck.

“This is just out of my curiosity.” Red said. He folded her arms over his chest. His brow arched. “But I would like to know this: do you believe in God?” Red's body language there usually is used to portray someone who is feeling vulnerable. His arms are acting like a buffer between Wendy and himself. I think the arching brow is okay, but I would have him clasp his hands behind his back, not fold them.

Wendy’s heart stopped. God? What did Red know about God? Here Wendy's thought sound downright paranoid that Red would know about God, when I don't know that I've ever met anyone who hasn't heard of God. If you cut straight from her stopped heart to her speaking, it would shorten it up and it would make more sense.“God?” Her eyes narrowed.

Red gave a curt nod. “Yes, dear. You don’t believe in angels. But, do you believe in God?”

Wendy shook her head. “No.” Her eyes were intently focused on Red, trying to read his reaction. She thought she saw a smile creep upon his lips. I would think that you could take out her saying no and just use her shaking head. Otherwise it seems to me that she is trying to convince herself at the same time she tries to convince Red.

“Alright. Another question.” He said in a hushed tone. “Well, do you believe in the Devil?” Cut out the 'well'. This is the part where he stops beating the bush around and goes straight to the heart of the matter. Extra words are just that--extra.

Wendy was bemused by his question. I'm not sure how many people actually know what 'bemused' means. I think 'caught her off guard' works just as well.Weren’t God and the Devil within the same category? Change 'within' to 'in'.If one did not believe in God, then shouldn’t it be obvious that they do not believe in the Devil? She thought it was a trick question. Change the 'she' to Wendy. You've used it quite a bit in this paragraph already, and soon it gets tiresome to hear the same thing.“Should I, Red?” She was irritated.

Red chuckled darkly. After a long pause, he answered: “Yes.”

The moment the word was expelled from his lips, a gust of wind rushed through the woods. The trees moaned under its weight. The leaves stirred at Wendy’s feet. As the darkness gathered around them, Wendy could not help but sense something wicked about it all. She just caught on now? Really? I don't think Wendy's that dense. Don't dumb her down, please.

Wendy was now agitated. Go ahead and pull 'now' out. Or give us a body-language example of how she is agitated, like her eyes started darting around looking for a place to escape to.Her anxiety was slowly feeding her fear. I like that last sentence.“Why should I?” The excited winds pulled the breath through her lips.

“Because I am the Devil.” It feels like there should be just a little emphasis, but I don't know where.

Wendy’s eyes widened. “Have you lost your mind?”

Red stood motionless. His eyes were cloudy and empty. I would think that his eyes were even clearer now, but if they are cloudy, I think 'foggy' would describe them better. I'm picturing something like a crystal ball replacing a clear pupil.He did not answer, but in a flash, his flesh turned black and dissolved into dark smoke by unexpected witcheryDelete 'by unexpected witchery.' By now, I don't think any sort of sorcery is unexpected.. He vanished and the mist whirled around Wendy. Her skirt whispered around her knees. Wendy's heart raced. Was she hallucinating? Had she gone mad?

Wendy spun around on her heels and saw the column of smoke consolidate I'd switch 'consolidate' to 'solidify'. Consolidate has certain business connotations.into Red again. Shrouds of shadows Excellent alliteration!drifted about his presence. I'd change 'his presence' to just plain ol' 'him'.“Do you believe me now?”

Wendy was speechless. Her lips parted in bewilderment. I think you can have either one sentence or the other, but you don't need both.

Red lifted his limp arms and by some form of sorcery made a blazing fire ignite from the air. She could feel the rush of heat upon her face as the flames erupted from his finger tips. Wendy held her arms in front of her face and backed away from the flames. The fire cast away the shadows for only a moment.

When the flames dissipated, the darkness rushed back around Wendy, and she was cold again. Red laughed wildly. “Do you believe me now?”

Then, in a blink of an eye, he disappeared into the wind without a trace. Wendy was terrified. We can kind of figure out that this wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows. Telling us Wendy is terrified isn't necessary.Adrenaline charged through her veins like fire. She whirled about, searching frantically in the woods to catch a glimpse of Red. When you say that Wendy was searching frantically, it sounds like she was racing through the forest. Did she just stand there whirling around with her eyes searching frantically, or did she herself search frantically?

“Do you believe me now?” It was a whisper in her ear, closer than her own breath. Lovely comparison of how close he was. Really superb.She screamed.

Suddenly, a sharp pain forked through her body like lightning. Wendy gasped and tried to escape, but Red’s powerful arms held her in place. Something cut into her, sunk into her. It's either cut or sunk, it can't be both.It felt like razors shearing into the flesh upon her neck. I don't know if 'shearing' is the best word right here.She squirmed under Red in torment and shrieked. How does 'in torment' fit into this sentence? Sorry, but I don't think it does.

Wendy finally managed to tear herself free from his grip. She whirled around to face him and her hand flew to her neck. Hot blood seeped through her fingers. Red had bitten her.

Her blood was smeared across his chin and mouth. His lips were curled back, revealing his razor-sharp teeth, protruding from his mouth like nails. His knees bent, his back arched, and he leaned forward. His body language mirrored that of a beast, ready to pounce. I would change that last sentence to 'He was a beast, ready to pounce.'

“Red! Stop!” Her hands were in front of her to guard her, I think we understand why her hands are in front of her.but she knew she was no match for Red. Tears fell from her eyes. Horror shed its wrath through her body. She was going to die.

An inhuman roar ripped from his chest and with power and force, he lunged.

“Red!” Wendy shrieked. She saw a blur of white ashes, glimmering eyes, and gnashing teeth. Once again, white ashes?

Red took her throat. Where did red take her throat? Maybe he sunk his fingers into the supple flesh of her neck, but I don't think he took it.

…

Wendy gasped and bolted upright in her bed. She sucked air into her lungs.I'd replace that sentence with 'Air rushed into her lungs.' Her hand was at her throat. She was damp with sweat. Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. Her pulse was racing. Her hair was stuck to the back of her neck. Tears sprung in her eyes and she blinked them away quickly. Practically every other word in that paragraph was 'her'. I understand the need for consistency, but if there was a little variation it wouldn't hurt anyone.

It had been a dream. A nightmare.

Wendy looked around her dark room and waited until she stopped trembling. She reached over to her bedside table. She found a match, struck it against the wood and lit a candle. I'm gonna be adventurous and say that we all know how to light a match.When light crowded the room, she was relieved. Then something caught her eye. What's with the candle, anyway? Combat boots earlier, but now we have a candle and no lamp? What time period are we talking anyway?

Across her sheets and her pillow was a deep, dark crimson stain. Pull out the 'deep'. It doesn't do anything for the description and makes it sound like an abyss, not a stain. And is the blood dried or still shimmery?It filled her eyes with its presence. She slapped a hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming. When you say 'slapped', it sounds like she made a good deal of sound. I think it should be more like a shocked silence. And you can delete the sencond 'her'. It interrupts the flow of the story.It was blood.

Wendy quickly touched the skin of her neck. Her fingers brushed over something wet and jagged. Her flesh was upturned and scarred just below her ear. Pain ripped through her nerves when she touched the wound That last sentence is very good, and I like how the pain ripped through her nerves. The second she is redundant, but I don't know how I would eliminate it. You might want to do some thinking on it.. She started to tremble again.

“Oh my God.” Wendy breathed. She knew what it was.

Bite marks.


I know all the revisions contradict what I say, but I really loved this story. It was a joy to read. Your grammar was flawless, and spelling was excellent. And those two things being my major pet peeves, you wrote an excellent story. Hope you have a wonderful day! And also that egg just down beneath this? Yeah, that's for clicking on. Please?

Hey you! I know i read this before, but just wanted to read it again. All the nitpicks have been taken care of, so I'll leave you alone.
Oh and Angela: I just skimmed your point about the crossed arms. They may convey vulnerability, but it's also a sign of defense. His crossed arms PLUS his harsh facial expression and his staring eyes mean he's being defensive. think about the facial expression.
Anyways, Hayden, this is still awesome. Take a few of these suggestions and it'll be better. But psssttt, you're the writer, so you have the power to say yay or nay on anything.
And you could always ignore my rambling, pointless review

Thank you so much for the review! I know you worked very hard on it. I’m going to do some changes, and I’ll discuss some of the points you made. My comments will be in blue.

Darkness shrouded the land. This first sentence seems a bit corny. The rest of this story is much better than this first line. I don't know if it needs to be removed entirely or just reworked, but it needs working. I quite liked the sentence. It's the first sentence in the piece and it adds to the setting. It was, in fact, dark. I want that to be the first image the reader receives. I'm not certain how it sounds corny. Shadows swelled into towering cathedrals. They swept across the earth and up the trees and mountains. The darkness was an entity, a presence that had settled over the wilderness.I like how you set the scene before introducing the main character. Every time I try that, it just sounds wrong. I'm glad I succeeded at this! It was alien to Wendy Grimm, like a pilgrim from a foreign, unknown land.

Wendy stood in the darkness alone. Fingers of the talking winds snatched her dress. I would replace 'fingers' with 'tendrils' and then 'talking' with 'whispering'. But at the same time, I like the originality of talking compared to whispering. I guess it depends on if you want the world dark and eerie or creaking. Hmm, I like "fingers" because it almost gives me an image that the winds are living. Her long, dark hair rippled around her face. All was dark and silent. Deathly leaves fell from the darkness. 'Deathly leaves'? Really? You can do better than that. I'm not sure what you mean about me doing better. I like the description. They clung to the grass and dirt. As the moon ascended into the sky, shadows and leaves fell at her feet. I would replace 'into' with either 'in' or 'to', but both of them together breaks the flow of the sentence. I agree.

She was not afraid, but she was wide awake, I would pull out the second 'she'. It seems a little redundant. I agree. as if her senses were heightened by the darkness. Her blood boiled in her veins with an anxious fever. Here I would take out the first 'her' because it also sounds redundant. I agree.

There was something about the unfamiliar darkness that called to her, and she had an unexpected desire to call back to it. There was a name on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to speak. However, she did not know who would be in the woods to hear it. She gets really redundant here as well. Use your own judgment to decide where it can be cut out. I agree.

Wendy did know one thing. She was there for a reason. To find Red. You have three sentences here, but if could be shortened to two if you replaced one period with a colon. I don't think it really matters which two sentences you put it between. I think I'll put the semicolon between "reason" and "to".

Rather hesitant, she spoke his name. “Red!” Did she shout it (like the punctuation suggests), or was it whispered (as the atmosphere suggests)? I see how this could be confusing. I'll work on it. I think it would "spoke" should be replaced with something like "called".

Her voice was carried through the forest by the wind like a vapor. I think it would sound better if you replaced 'carried' with 'borne'. More mystical sounding to fit with the setting. I'll think about it. Wendy was unsure of what she had done. She called a friend's name. What is there to be unsure about? If you added in that she felt a subtle shift in the air and then added your sentence to the end of that, it might make more sentence. I like the "she felt a subtle shift in the air". I'll use that. But, I was trying to go for the fact that she was uncertain if what she had done was right. She was anxious and was fearful of who would be in the woods to hear her. She waited apprehensively.

Suddenly, a voice behind her came to life, as if it had been born from the air and darkness. The second half of that sentence doesn't make sense. Sorry, but it doesn't. At face value it sounds good, but when you think about it it really sounds strange. Are you talking about the "air and darkness" thing? I was using "Air" and "Darkness” throughout this story as a reference to Satan. Satan is called in Scripture "Lord of Air and Darkness". It was a beautiful, but chilling voice. It rang like haunting bells. “Wendy.” It spoke her name.

Wendy whirled around to see Ethelred Antonescu The last name sounds like you were really stretching for a name. Kind of like you had the alphabet in a hat and plucked letters, then decided it was a name. The first sound good, but maybe for the last name you could come up with something... more real? Ugh! The name! I'm not changing the name. It took me three years to find these characters’ names. "Antonescu" is a Romanian name. I liked how it worked with the "vampire" theme. —more commonly known by his nickname, Red—standing amongst the shadows If it sounded like he was more of the shadows than with the shadows, it would add to his amazingly awesome Gothicness.. I agree! His white face stood out against the darkness. Red had a tall forehead, a bony face. His round, chiseled chin and jaw were motionless, along with the curves of his lips. Chin, jaws, what's the difference? I'll fix that. He was as she remembered him; The semicolon you have just to the left should be a colon, since the three adjectives are more of a list than another sentence. I agree with this. unblinking, ageless, and immortal. He was a beautiful statue, born from the air and shadows. More air and shadows? Maybe if it was something like 'ash and blood' it would sound better. Again, a reference to Satan.

His skin was white like ashes. I'm sorry, ''White like ASHES'? Aren't ashes a more grey? Yes, they are, which is why I like the idea. His skin isn't pearly white. It's like ashes. It emitted an iridescent light Or you could just say that his skin seemed to glow I'll think about changing it.. His long, blonde hair fell around his face to the collar of his dark military jacket. The moon glinted off his boots. The picture I'm getting here is like an evil Carlisle from Twilight the movie. Damn.

Wendy leaned toward Red absentmindedly, but then faltered. Her arm was outstretched to him, but her fingers had curled back. What do you mean her fingers 'curled back'? Are we talking really messed up joints or what? I'm not sure how to make this any more clear than "her fingers curled back". We all have joints, don't we?. They glimmered darkly. His irises flashed like polished onyx. She looked up at him and she glanced at the shadows at his back. How is she looking up at him-- I'm assuming she's looking at his face-- and then looking at the shadows on his back? Also, 'she' gets a little redundant here. I'll see what I can do.

Wendy felt an icy wind upon her, but realized it was not the wind at all. It was Red’s breath. When you say 'wind' I think something pretty strong. I associate something more like 'breeze' with a breath. I agree.

“Red.” Wendy breathed. Her feet were rooted to the ground.

He nodded and flashed a bewitching, white grin. “Wendy, what are you doing out here alone?” I have trouble hearing those words in anything other than concerned. If you were to add that his grin was almost taunting, it would work better. I agree. I like "taunting".

Wendy lifted her face to him. “I came to find you, Red.”

Red said in a charming, classic voice, How do you get a classic voice? If it was 'classic Red voice', it would make more sense. I'll fix this. “Good. I wanted to be with you.” In a flicker, Red was but inches from Wendy. The fragrance of his skin was disturbing to her. He smelled of roses and blood. It contorted her stomach. She turned her face from him. The last three sentences sound really choppy. I think if you combined the last two, it wouldn't be so disruptive to to the flow. I agree.

Red’s fingers brushed her arms delicately like spiders. Sorry to pick on this, but I kind of want to know if he brushed his hand up her arm, down her arm, or if he just lightly touched it as he brushed to the left or right of her arm. I'll make this more clear. She cringed at his touch and said in a shuddering whisper, “You’re so cold.”

Wendy found his eyes. They were searching her, drinking her in. I see the phrase 'drinking her in' way too much in reading. I would replace it with something along the lines of 'sipping in the site like champagne.' I'll see what I can do. “I see you’re wearing my dress. Do you like it?” I almost started laughing right there. It sounds like the dress belonged to Red, as in he wore it in his cross-dressing days. I'll make it known that it's a dress he GAVE to her as a gift. xD His beautiful lips trembled. Why are his lips trembling? I'll make it more clear. He had ignored her remark. The 'had' in the last sentence seems unnecessary. Agree.

Wendy wore a red lace dress. Its slim straps barley clung to her thin shoulders. The dress fell in a billowing skirt around her knees. She was also sporting brown leather combat boots. What is with the combat boots? Why not?

“It’s beautiful, Red.” Wendy said hesitantly. Her brow furrowed. Red smiled.

Red touched a finger to her lips. His fingers were like ice. “You’re beautiful, Wendy.” She shivered. “You’re as beautiful as an angel.” It sounds more like a smooth speech than a jolty teenage boy if he says, "You're nothing short of angelic." I agree. I like it.

Wendy narrowed her eyes. “Don’t talk to me about angels.”

Red’s face was so close to hers that she could feel the coldness of his skin sinking into her bones. “Why not?”

“Angels are religion’s thing.” Wendy said in a whisper. Religion disgusted her.

The dead silence hung uncomfortably between them. I think if you take out the word 'uncomfortably', we will still understand that it is not a companionable silence. Got it. An itch crept up Wendy’s spine.

Then, from the stillness, Red spoke. Something there isn't right. Something with the 'from the stillness' bit needs to be changed. I want to keep it. Not sure what you mean. “Wendy, may I ask you a question or two?”

Wendy nodded. “Sure.” She clawed at an itch on her neck.

“This is just out of my curiosity.” Red said. He folded her arms over his chest. His brow arched. “But I would like to know this: do you believe in God?” Red's body language there usually is used to portray someone who is feeling vulnerable. His arms are acting like a buffer between Wendy and himself. I think the arching brow is okay, but I would have him clasp his hands behind his back, not fold them. I see what you mean here. I was going for "defensive" and that's why Wendy is fearful that she might offend him. I do like your suggestion though. I might change it.

Wendy’s heart stopped. God? What did Red know about God? Here Wendy's thought sound downright paranoid that Red would know about God, when I don't know that I've ever met anyone who hasn't heard of God. If you cut straight from her stopped heart to her speaking, it would shorten it up and it would make more sense. I should make this clear that this short story is based off a much larger piece. There's a lot more to Red's character behind this that would make this part make more sense. But, since this is a single piece, I'll change it.. “God?” Her eyes narrowed.

Red gave a curt nod. “Yes, dear. You don’t believe in angels. But, do you believe in God?”

Wendy shook her head. “No.” Her eyes were intently focused on Red, trying to read his reaction. She thought she saw a smile creep upon his lips. I would think that you could take out her saying no and just use her shaking head. Otherwise it seems to me that she is trying to convince herself at the same time she tries to convince Red. Again, it's the whole "offending him" thing.

“Alright. Another question.” He said in a hushed tone. “Well, do you believe in the Devil?” Cut out the 'well'. This is the part where he stops beating the bush around and goes straight to the heart of the matter. Extra words are just that--extra. I agree.

Wendy was bemused by his question. I'm not sure how many people actually know what 'bemused' means. I think 'caught her off guard' works just as well. I'll think about it. Weren’t God and the Devil within the same category? Change 'within' to 'in'. I'll think about it. If one did not believe in God, then shouldn’t it be obvious that they do not believe in the Devil? She thought it was a trick question. Change the 'she' to Wendy. You've used it quite a bit in this paragraph already, and soon it gets tiresome to hear the same thing. I agree. “Should I, Red?” She was irritated.

Red chuckled darkly. After a long pause, he answered: “Yes.”

The moment the word was expelled from his lips, a gust of wind rushed through the woods. The trees moaned under its weight. The leaves stirred at Wendy’s feet. As the darkness gathered around them, Wendy could not help but sense something wicked about it all. She just caught on now? Really? I don't think Wendy's that dense. Don't dumb her down, please. I need to make this more clear. She didn't just now catch on. I need to rewrite this part, I guess.

Wendy was now agitated. Go ahead and pull 'now' out. Or give us a body-language example of how she is agitated, like her eyes started darting around looking for a place to escape to. Agreed. Her anxiety was slowly feeding her fear. I like that last sentence.“Why should I?” The excited winds pulled the breath through her lips.

“Because I am the Devil.” It feels like there should be just a little emphasis, but I don't know where. Not sure what you mean.

Wendy’s eyes widened. “Have you lost your mind?”

Red stood motionless. His eyes were cloudy and empty. I would think that his eyes were even clearer now, but if they are cloudy, I think 'foggy' would describe them better. I'm picturing something like a crystal ball replacing a clear pupil. Got it. He did not answer, but in a flash, his flesh turned black and dissolved into dark smoke by unexpected witchery Delete 'by unexpected witchery.' By now, I don't think any sort of sorcery is unexpected. I'll think about it. She wasn't really expecting THAT. He vanished and the mist whirled around Wendy. Her skirt whispered around her knees. I like it! Wendy's heart raced. Was she hallucinating? Had she gone mad?

Wendy spun around on her heels and saw the column of smoke consolidate I'd switch 'consolidate' to 'solidify'. Consolidate has certain business connotations Agreed. into Red again. Shrouds of shadows Excellent alliteration! Thanks! drifted about his presence. I'd change 'his presence' to just plain ol' 'him'. Got it. “Do you believe me now?”

Wendy was speechless. Her lips parted in bewilderment. I think you can have either one sentence or the other, but you don't need both. I'll think about it.

Red lifted his limp arms and by some form of sorcery made a blazing fire ignite from the air. She could feel the rush of heat upon her face as the flames erupted from his finger tips. Wendy held her arms in front of her face and backed away from the flames. The fire cast away the shadows for only a moment.

When the flames dissipated, the darkness rushed back around Wendy, and she was cold again. Red laughed wildly. “Do you believe me now?”

Then, in a blink of an eye, he disappeared into the wind without a trace. Wendy was terrified. We can kind of figure out that this wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows. Telling us Wendy is terrified isn't necessary. Meh. Adrenaline charged through her veins like fire. She whirled about, searching frantically in the woods to catch a glimpse of Red. When you say that Wendy was searching frantically, it sounds like she was racing through the forest. Did she just stand there whirling around with her eyes searching frantically, or did she herself search frantically? I'll think about it.

“Do you believe me now?” It was a whisper in her ear, closer than her own breath. Lovely comparison of how close he was. Really superb. Thanks! She screamed.

Suddenly, a sharp pain forked through her body like lightning. Wendy gasped and tried to escape, but Red’s powerful arms held her in place. Something cut into her, sunk into her. It's either cut or sunk, it can't be both. Fine. It felt like razors shearing into the flesh upon her neck. I don't know if 'shearing' is the best word right here. Alright. She squirmed under Red in torment and shrieked. How does 'in torment' fit into this sentence? Sorry, but I don't think it does. I'll think about it.

Wendy finally managed to tear herself free from his grip. She whirled around to face him and her hand flew to her neck. Hot blood seeped through her fingers. Red had bitten her.

Her blood was smeared across his chin and mouth. His lips were curled back, revealing his razor-sharp teeth, protruding from his mouth like nails. His knees bent, his back arched, and he leaned forward. His body language mirrored that of a beast, ready to pounce. I would change that last sentence to 'He was a beast, ready to pounce.' Agreed.

“Red! Stop!” Her hands were in front of her to guard her, I think we understand why her hands are in front of her. Alright. but she knew she was no match for Red. Tears fell from her eyes. Horror shed its wrath through her body. She was going to die.

An inhuman roar ripped from his chest and with power and force, he lunged.

“Red!” Wendy shrieked. She saw a blur of white ashes, glimmering eyes, and gnashing teeth. Once again, white ashes? Why not?

Red took her throat. Where did red take her throat? Maybe he sunk his fingers into the supple flesh of her neck, but I don't think he took it. I like it. For me, I don't even think about it. I just see, "He took her throat" and I know.

…

Wendy gasped and bolted upright in her bed. She sucked air into her lungs. I'd replace that sentence with 'Air rushed into her lungs.' Got it. Her hand was at her throat. She was damp with sweat. Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. Her pulse was racing. Her hair was stuck to the back of her neck. Tears sprung in her eyes and she blinked them away quickly. Practically every other word in that paragraph was 'her'. I understand the need for consistency, but if there was a little variation it wouldn't hurt anyone. Got it.

It had been a dream. A nightmare.

Wendy looked around her dark room and waited until she stopped trembling. She reached over to her bedside table. She found a match, struck it against the wood and lit a candle. I'm gonna be adventurous and say that we all know how to light a match. Ouch. Ok. When light crowded the room, she was relieved. Then something caught her eye. What's with the candle, anyway? Combat boots earlier, but now we have a candle and no lamp? What time period are we talking anyway? I should make this more clear in the piece, as I do in the bigger version. This is post-apocalyptic. They have tons of mix-match things.

Across her sheets and her pillow was a deep, dark crimson stain. Pull out the 'deep'. It doesn't do anything for the description and makes it sound like an abyss, not a stain. And is the blood dried or still shimmery? Got it. It filled her eyes with its presence. She slapped a hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming. When you say 'slapped', it sounds like she made a good deal of sound. I think it should be more like a shocked silence. And you can delete the sencond 'her'. It interrupts the flow of the story. Got it. It was blood.

Wendy quickly touched the skin of her neck. Her fingers brushed over something wet and jagged. Her flesh was upturned and scarred just below her ear. Pain ripped through her nerves when she touched the wound That last sentence is very good, and I like how the pain ripped through her nerves. The second she is redundant, but I don't know how I would eliminate it. You might want to do some thinking on it Thanks. I'm not sure how the other sentence is redundant. She started to tremble again.

“Oh my God.” Wendy breathed. She knew what it was.

Bite marks.


I know all the revisions contradict what I say, but I really loved this story. It was a joy to read. Your grammar was flawless, and spelling was excellent. And those two things being my major pet peeves, you wrote an excellent story. Hope you have a wonderful day! And also that egg just down beneath this? Yeah, that's for clicking on. Please?

So, thanks for the review. I know it must have been a lot of work. I'll edit it and let you know when I post a revised version.

P.S. Sorry if I appear annoyed in some of my responses. I'm just tired. My apologies.