Dragon

I lost a lot of blood that night,
I lost a lot of face.
I lost my mind in the flood that night.
I had no saving grace.

If I could lift a dozen problems,
And crack them clean in twain,
I’d never again have a facial spasm,
And never an aching brain.

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care.
I will soon forget this,
Soon, I’ll have grey hair.

Does my honesty offend you?
Does the truth cause you to sweat?
I’m not sorry if I hurt you,
But its not my aim to make you fret.

Perhaps one day I’ll meet my match,
A person who knows what to say,
But until then the rhymes I’ll catch,
And the knights I will slay.

The princess will wait in her tower of thought,
As day after day the king’s men are fought,
She’s like a wax work dummy, unmoving,
Her mere presence was once so soothing.

I’ll sit right here on my pile of gold,
Until my scales are moldy and old,
Or perhaps until the prince, finally,
Decides to come and put an end to me.

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This is my first post here, so I'm sorry if I've put this in the wrong section. What do you all think?

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care.

I like these lines

Soon, I’ll have grey hair.

This is a kind of weird way to say, 'get old'. Try to think of another, more poetic way to say it? If nothing fits, don't change it

Does my honesty offend you?

Niiiiice.

But its not my aim to make you fret.

But until then the rhymes I’ll catch,
And the knights I will slay.

This last part seems a little awkward... Try revising it a bit so that it's more understandable (I had to read over it twice to get what you were trying to say)?

As day after day the king’s men are fought.

Oh, once her mere presence was (no "so" here, ok?) soothing.

Decides to come and put an end to me.

Nice last line

This was a pretty good poem, I finally got what it was named for at the 5th stanza (little paragraph thingy, if you didn't know). And a couple of the lines...(

I lost a lot of face.

Soon, I’ll have grey hair.

) Didn't make much sense... (Do dragons get hair? And the face one is just confusing).
There were a couple of key lines in there though that made me want to read more...(

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care.

Does my honesty offend you?

Decides to come and put an end to me.

).

So, my advice is - post more! Your talent will just get better after our criticism!

Keep writing,
Alzora

I really like the imagery you used here. I like the flow of the poem. Very creative.

Everything I wanted to say has already been said, so yay!

Keep up the awesome work! You have a lot of potential

~H.

This would probably go in 'narrative poetry' since it tells a story, but it's not a big deal.

Karzkin wrote:I lost a lot of blood that night,
I lost a lot of face.
I lost my mind in the flood that night.
I had no saving grace.

If I could lift a dozen problems,
And crack them clean in twain. I think you should take out the 'and', it seems unnecessary.
I’d never again have a facial spasm, 'Problems' and 'spasm' don't rhyme, so you'll need to change this. You have a set scheme set, and this interferes with that.
And never an aching brain.

I wonder if you’ll read this,
I wonder if you care. I like these two lines!
I will soon forget this,
Soon, I’ll have grey hair.You repeat 'soon' right away, a bit redundant...

Does my honesty offend you?
Does the truth make you sweat?
I’m not sorry if I hurt you,
But it's not my aim to cause a fret. This line seems too long, it breaks the flow. You could take out the 'but' I guess, or simply "But my aim is not to cause a fret'.

Perhaps one day I’ll meet my match,
A person who knows what to say. Eh, try "someone" instead of 'a person'.
But until then, the rhymes I’ll catch,
And the knights I will slay. A bit difficult to read, no?

The princess will wait in her tower of thought,
As day after day the king’s men are fought,
She’s like a wax work dummy, unmoving,
Oh, once her mere presence was so soothing. Love the imagery in this stanza! This last line though, seems a bit long or something. I'd take out the 'so'.

I’ll sit right here on my pile of gold,
Until my scales are moldy and old, Suddenly you change the rhyme scheme...not good. Fix up the rhyming in this stanza, and you should be good to go!
Or perhaps until the prince, finally,
Decides to come and put an end to me. Nice!

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This is my first post here, so I'm sorry if I've put this in the wrong section. What do you all think?

Thank you all for reading my humble offering, and for taking the time to critique it However, Alzora, I feel I must make few retorts:

1.I know what you mean about "Oh once her mere presence was so soothing." It is a little stilted. However, I think the 'so' must stay, as it describes the degree of soothing caused by the princess' presence. Perhaps if it read "She sits like a wax work dummy, unmoving - / her mere presence was once so soothing." ?

2.The 'dragon' is an allegory representing a person (myself, of course), so don't take the 'dragon-esque' qualities (such as scales and knight-slaying) too literally.

3. Losing face means to do something that causes you shame or causes you to lose the respect of others. Does this clear up the second line?

But again, thank you for your advice, it's most helpful

This is the exact type and kind of poetry I enjoy reading! Nice structure, amazing rythm and flow and non-forced-rhymes that makes the poem so delightful to read! Very good! I do agree on you changing the rhyme scheme a bit sudden, but personally I didn't loose the flow there so I wouldn't put too much nose into it Overall... I thought this was quite amazing, great imagery, nice content overall so.. ehm. Yeh, this is the kind of things I really enjoy reading! Also, for being a first post it's quite impressive too!

I'll give it 4 and half out of 5 icky, sticky spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness