Dear Lucy: Prologue

Prologue

The sky was blue, the clearest blue in the past week. The wind ruffled through the trees, a nice breeze compared to the harsh winds that tore through the town last week. It was almost as if the weather knew that it should behave today. Tornadoes had torn through the town, sending it into peril for the past week. Today was different. The weather knew it would face a wrath much deadlier than itself if it did not act calm for today.

A man pulled up, carrying a dozen roses. The grasses around him swayed as he made it down to the river, clutching the flowers in his right hand. His hair was swept back neatly, something that was rare to see on him. Normally it would hang in front of his eyes and look as if he had just gotten out of bed, which was mostly true. However today was the special day. He had woken up at 5 am to prepare for this. He pushed his hair back with wax and pulled it up into a ponytail so that his bangs wouldn't obscure his face. He ordered a suit for the momentous occasion and even learned how to tie a tie.

The brown haired man trudged through the mud and weeds to get to the meeting place. The meeting place was nothing special. It sat on a hill that looked over the river, with merely a swing hanging off of a tree. It was the runined site of an old playground, something that no one ever seemed to notice. That is, except for him. Carefully, the man climbed up the hill, holding the roses away from him so that they wouldn't get destroyed. Sweat fell down his face when he made it to the top. He looked around with nervousness. He hadn't come up here since the accident.

The accident...

That's where it all went to Hell. He wish he could've taken back those words. He wish he could've stopped her. It was too late though. The accident happened and destroyed them both. She was laying on the kitchen floor when he found her and it had become too much. He tried to patch up her wounds, listened to her tears, took every blow she threw, and always managed to be there for her, picking up the pieces the other man left behind.

"Dammit," he whispered, crushing the flowers in his hand. The petals crunched and water dripped down his wrist. His eyes were screwed up tightly, blocking out everything he could see. It was too bad that it couldn't work with his memories. Blood fell down like the crimson petals on the flowers, swirling around him, trapping him in a cage and searing the memory into his brain. Tears fell down as he saw the memory replay in his mind, her cold lips with a single petal of blood dripping down.

He looked at the flowers with disgust and threw them into the wind. He didn't understand why he bought them; they would never bring her back. They couldn't take away the memory he held inside.

"Why'd you do it?" he asked quietly. "Why'd you leave me?"

But he knew why. He knew.

So, I hope you like it. It's actually based on my Lucy letter I did back then. I plan on writing a novel on it all. I hope you enjoy and it will explain more as I go in.

Songs to listen to when reading: Lucy-Skillet, Thank You For the Venom- My Chemical Romance.

I promise you that this will NOT be a cliche story. I swear on my grandfather's grave (the one I like). But it would help if you helped me with ideas.

I quite like this! It really got me in and I'd be interested to see where the story is going.
Just a few nitpicks:

Normally it would hang in front of his eyes and look as if he had just gotten out of bed, which was mostly true.

Rephrase this sentence. It's clunky and awkward but if you play with it a bit it should be fine.

He wished he could've taken back those words. He wished he could've stopped her.

"Dammit," he whispered, crushing the flowers in his hand. The petals crunched and water dripped down his wrist. His eyes were screwed up tightly, blocking out everything he could see. It was too bad that it couldn't work with his memories. Blood fell down like the crimson petals on the flowers, swirling around him, trapping him in a cage and burning his skin. Tears fell down as he saw her, her pale blue lips with a rose petal, no, that was blood.

I got a bit confused in this paragraph. I get that he doesn't want to remember what happened, but after that I'm lost.

"Why'd you do it?" he asked quietly. "Why'd you leave me?"

But he knew why. He knew.

Nice ending.

Altogether very interesting and you communicate emotions well. I'd be interested to read more of this.

-pigeon

Hello there

It was almost as if the weather knew that it should behave today and stop storming because this was the day, the most important day.

This sentence is a little awkward. I like that you personified the weather, but try rephrasing it.
"It was almost as if the weather knew that it had to behave today. It had been storming non stop....." something like that.

So yeah, I liked this a lot. You have a way with your words and your imagery is almost perfect. I especially liked your first paragraph because you linked the weather to the mood of the story. I also appreciate that this had just enough suspense to make me want to read on to the next- or first chapter. Good intro, great follow up, interesting concept!

Oh one more thing I wanted to comment on is your paragraphing. Remember, as soon as you start on a new idea, start a new paragraph!

The sky was blue, the clearest blue in the past week. The wind ruffled through the trees, a nice breeze compared to the harsh winds that tore through the town last week. It was almost as if the weather knew that it should behave today and stop storming because this was the day, the most important day.(New paragraph here) A man pulled up, carrying a dozen roses. The grasses around him swayed as he made it down to the river, clutching the flowers in his right hand. His hair was swept back neatly, something that was rare to see on him. Normally it would hang in front of his eyes and look as if he had just gotten out of bed, which was mostly true. However today was the special day. He had woken up at 5 am to prepare for this. He pushed his hair back with wax and pulled it up into a ponytail so that his bangs wouldn't obscure his face. He ordered a suit for the momentous occasion and even learned how to tie a tie.

Anyway, I hope I could help. Good luck on the rest of this

Keep writing!

Hullerrrrrr

So I quite enjoyed this. It seems a tad depressing so I don't know if I'll read the whole thing if you do write the rest of the novel, I'm such a crier! But I still liked it.

I couldn't find much wrong grammatically and such, but I'm shite with grammar.

I thought an interesting approach would be to, instead of describe him as he's walking to the "meeting place," describe him getting ready. How the movements feel, what he does, his expressions, his thoughts, how he looks at himself. Then you could describe him walking to the meeting place, how he feels, what he sees, what the weather is like, etc.

The whole rose petal/blood part threw me off. At first when you mention blood crimson like the petals I thought he was bleeding and I wondered, well what happened? Because he was fine, so why is he bleeding? Then it went to a girl on the kitchen floor with blue lips and a rose petal? No wait, that's blood. I don't know, that whole bit felt confusing.

Another confusing part was him saying he did his best to make her laugh, then the doctor is saying laughter and love could get her through and suddenly he's saying "well I should have done that." Wait, I thought you just said he made her laugh, and since he feels so awful I'm assuming he loved her? Give it a read through and see if you can't tighten it up a bit.

I think you could go in to a bit more detail, specifically about their relationship. At this point they could be siblings, lovers, friends, anything really. It's sad when a brother loses a sister, tragic when a friend loses a friend, and heartbreaking when a lover dies. You have to decide what kind of emotion you want the reader to feel and be very clear.

Overall I just think you need to let it be for a few days then look at it again and try to make everything more clear and in depth. Let me know if you edit it and I'll give it another read!

Love,
Rory

Some grammar nitpicky things first:

The sky was blue, the clearest blue in the past week. The wind ruffled through the trees, a nice breeze compared to the harsh winds that tore through the town last week.

You end both the sentences with the word "week". You might want to rephrase that, or combine the sentences.

The brown haired man trudged through the mud and weeds to get to the meeting place. The meeting place was nothing special.

Change the bolded words to "It" because you just used the words "the meeting place" in the previous sentence.

Blood fell down like the crimson petals on the flowers, swirling around him, trapping him in a cage and burning his skin. Tears fell down as he saw her, her pale blue lips with a rose petal, no, that was blood.

You used the same phrasing in two consecutive sentences. Consider rephrasing them. And the second sentence is a bit confusing.


This looks like a really interesting story, I'd love to see what happens next. Very mysterious, and you use imagery really well.

I don't have much else to add, critique-wise, as I think RoryLegend has covered it all. Anyway, writewritewrite, can't wait to read the next chapters. c:

~Addie

Aw, darn. I read through this and went back up to the "back to novel" button, and then... the letdown. There's no more to read! Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this, though I do agree with Pigeon3, the paragraph where your MC crushes the flowers should be rephrase; I got kind of lost as well. Post on my wall when you write chapter one!

Hi,

I was looking forward to this, but I started reading and got confused!!! I didn't know who the man was, his connection with Lucy(Sister, mom, wife?), what happened to her, etc. There are some parts that need to be rephrased. You needed to add another paragraph to descripe what was going on at the beginning. I was, and still am, very confused! I know the song Lucy, but that really didn't key me in. Uh, there were quite a few grammar mistakes, a lil spelling issue, and a few more things. Don't get me wrong, it was a good piece, but I had a debating time while reading this. It's good when you leave readers wonder, but not throughout the whole thing nor this much. I'm sorry if this all sounds mean. It was good, though. I liked the idea. I really liked the emotion, though at some parts yyou could play with them more and add more conflict within him. Also, you need more info. Where was he, what'd she look like, etc. Keep writing!!

Farewell,
A.