Letters *Edited*

Dear Jock,

I used to love you with every thread of my being. I used to stay up for hours every night and imagine how things would be for us if you would just ask me out. I used to try and ask you out myself. I used to draw our initials into little hearts all over my assignments, and then try and white them out before I handed them in. I used to.

Not anymore. Recently, I've realized you aren't worth the tears I've shed. Or the tubs of icecream I've eaten. I've been completely transparent to you all these years. I bet you didn't even read the card I slipped into your locker on valentines day. Either that or your Slut of a girlfriend threw it away. I never did like her.

I realized you weren't worth it, and I was only hurting myself. It's unfortunate that it took me four years to figure this out. However, I don't hate you. I have no reason to hate you, because you have done nothing wrong. I don't even know if you will read this letter, for all I know you will crumple it up and throw it away like an old discarded sock that lays in one of the changing rooms.

I just wanted you to know.

Sincerly, Transparent.

~

Dear Slut,

I used to hate you more than 'a fat kid hates dieting'. Do you remember when you used to say that about me? Anyway, I used to hate you, and envy you. I looked at you with nothing but resentment. I'd spend hours plotting ways to make your life more miserable than you made mine on a daily basis. You didn't even seem to try. I used to.

Really, instead of hating you I should have been thanking you. You've made me a stronger person than I ever thought I could be on my own. There were times when I wondered if any of this was worth it anymore, I wondered if I should have just given up. I'm glad I didn't. Now I realize, I was the bigger person.

You may have the 'perfect' body, and the 'perfect' social life, and the 'perfect' boyfriend, but it's all just make believe, isn't it? I saw the way you would cake on makeup in the bathroom, and your best friend (who also happens to be my sister... if you didn't know) told me how you obsessively check your weight. It's really unfortunate. I always thought you were pretty.

Whoever told you that you weren't perfect lied to you. Because I always thought you were perfect just the way you are.

Sincerely, A Fat Cow.

~

Dear Best Friend,

Thank you, for always being there. For being crazy with me. For dancing in the rain. For hugging me when I cried and listening to my sob-stories. Thank you for never questioning my sanity when I would tell you that I wish I could kill someone. Most of all, thank you for talking me out of suicide all those times.

One more thing.

I'm sorry.

I should have noticed after all these years that you were a lesbian, and that you liked me. The truth is, now that I look at it. If I would have realized sooner, and you would have asked, I would have said yes. You treat me better than any guy ever could. I mean it, too.

It must have been frusterating, having the girl you want so close and not being able to have her. You were always a stronger person than me, though. I admire that greatly. You will move onto greater things, I can feel it. One day, when you're the big-time singer that you want to be, I'll download all your songs from Itunes and look back on the days when I knew you when you were invisible.

Sincerly, Clueless.

~

Dear Mother,

Your note will be the shortest of all the letters I've written. Because you already know everything I feel about you. I need to thank you. For everything. Without your support and wise advice, I might not have made it this far. I have realized, though, that all the times you've grounded me or taken away my cellphone, they were for my own good.

I hope someday, I will be as good of a mother as you are. It must have been hard to raise the three of us alone.

Sincerely, Daughter

~

Dear Bald Asshole,

I know you're the geography teacher, but everyone called you that. I'm sorry for their neglegence. We always gave you a hard time for being the... oddest looking of all the teachers. That was pretty rude of us, and for it you probably worried for the future generations. I don't blame you.

The truth is, you were the best teacher I ever had. Usually, people say their favorite teacher was their art teacher, or their music teacher. But you were mine. For an 'old bald asshole' you were very calm and relaxed. You gave good, honest grades. Helped us with our work. You actually succeeded in making geography interesting.

Most of all, you were kind of like a friend to me. I would go to you before the guidence counselor, because you offered better advice and more moral support. It makes me feel like a real jerk after all that teasing and acting up I did in class. It's true what they say, what's popular is not always right and what's right is not always popular.

Thank you for helping me realize that.

Sincerly, A Troublemaker.

~

Dear School Community,

You've showed me the best and worst four years of my life, but sadly a time comes for us all to move on. That time, for us graduating, is now. Some of us are moving onto college, some to university. New places, new people, new ideas. Most of all, new beginnings.

I have a little advice, for all of you. For the grade Nines, don't worry about popularity and appearences. Nine times out of ten, all is not what it seems. Let loose, and show some school pride. You're stuck here for four years anyway, make them worthwhile.

For grade Tens, I know that you may feel a little... invisible sometimes. But really, who cares? Go crazy, have fun, dance in the rain and wear funny hats. It's all for the kicks. Three more years, show them who you are and make the world your playground. Make it the start of something big.

Elevens, you may be tired of all of this. You may wish you were in grade twelve already, because you can't stand another year of this. All I can say is... chin up. You should know what you want to do with your life, show the world. Make pretty things even though no one cares. Fall in love. Dance like no one is watching and laugh at jokes that you only get five minutes later.

Grade Twelves, this is your final year. Make. Your. Mark. Don't be remembered as the invisable kid in the corner, and don't be remembered as the bitch who thought she was all that and a ton of shit. Because who says you're not perfect, and who says you're not worth it? Appearences aren't all that they seem.

Sincerely, Anonymous

~

She neatly folded the five letters and placed them in their individual envelopes. Writing them was only half the task, and she wasn't done yet. Not yet. She wiped the tears that had welled up in her eyes as she placed them in her bag. The house was silent, but that was to be expected at three in the morning. No one was up this early, so she could almost hear a pin drop, if one so happened to drop.

She slowly dialed the number for a taxi and slid the note for her mother out of her bag and onto the table. When a voice finally asked what they could do for her, she responded with her address and hung up. She placed the phone on top of the letter, now there was no way it would go unnoticed.

She tip-toed into the garage and grabbed her suitcase. The shadows watched her as she slipped out the door, almost as if they wanted to grab her and pull her back in. As the door clicked shut, she could have sworn she had left her stomach back inside. She knew this feeling would come, this moment of uncertainty. She swallowed her fear, and her guilt, as she walked down the drive to the waiting taxi.

"1450 Oakland drive, please." she mumbled as she placed her bag on the seat beside her.

The driver nodded and pulled away. She watched as her home faded from view behind them, and let a hand press against the window. Promising to never forget. Never, ever forget. The driver looked back at her and smiled understandingly, but remained silent.

The next morning, as everyone opened their letters she was walking down the old forest path, towards the waiting truck. She pressed the keys into the waiting ignition and took a deep breath before putting two hands on the wheel.

Tiffany placed the letter on the end table beside her bed as she layed a hand on her stomach and glanced at her scale. Ryan smirked and pinned the note up on his corkboard, beside his football schedual. Hannah wiped the tears from her eyes as she pinned the little rainbow-flag pin to her shirt. Mr. Boyle ran a hand over his scalp and sat back in his chair as he looked over his empty classroom. Mrs. Carter placed a hand over her mouth and flipped open the little locket on her neck, containing a picture of Mr. Carter.

She took another deep breath and pressed down on the gas. The early morning traffic began to pick up once she reach the highway. Cars passed by, people heading to work and play. People visiting family and friends. She smiled as she started down the highway, heading away from her town. A voice on the radio announced the next song, and dully continued in the background. It offered a sort of company.

"It's not like I'm sad." she whispered as she gripped the wheel, "It's not like I want to cry. I just need to... get away, and find myself.," she stated to no one in particular. This was the start of something good.

I love this! Beautiful truth spilled out in letters. I like how you showed a glimpse of the reaction of the reader. I thought it was really brilliant!

Hey, Italy. (Is your username from Hetalia? Cuz if it is, that'd be cool)

Overall, this was alright. Don't have anything negative to say about the letters; they were all done extremely well and each sounded very real and heartfelt. Good job.
However, the entire half after the letters wasn't nearly as hot. It certainly wasn't bad, but it's not as strong as the whole letter-format section.

Invisable vs. Invisible
You use the word "invisible" throughout this, so make sure you spell it with an "i" rather than an "a."

No one was up this early, so you could almost year a pin drop.

Random switch to second person here

She quietly dialled the number for a taxi

Word in bold should be spelled "dialed."
Also, how can you quietly dial a telephone number? Always check to see if an adverb is necessary; half the time, they're not.

The next morning, as everyone opened their letters she was walking down the old forest path, towards the waiting truck.

This confused me the first time I read through it, because I had no idea what was going on. All of a sudden there's this random forest path and truck that appear out of nowhere, and I'm just like what. But it's cool, this isn't too major or anything. Just thought I'd point it out.

"It's not like I'm sad." she whispered as she gripped the wheel, "It's not like I want to cry. I just need to... get away, and find myself.," she stated to no one in particular.

Period should be a comma inside the quotes.

Also, I thought this was a disappointing ending. For one, it's just really cheesy that she's sitting there talking to herself, explaining to the audience how she really feels (which she shouldn't have to do; we should be able to figure that out through the text). And for some reason, I was under the impression she was going off to college since she mentioned graduation. So when I found out she was running away, I was kind of disappointed. What's the point of running away if you're ready to be on your own? Maybe make her reasoning for leaving a bit more clear -- I can understand vagueness but you don't want to leave readers totally in the dark. Or maybe I'm just slow

So yeah, the strongest part of this story was the letters themselves, as well as the overall tone. I like the voice of your character, she seems like a pretty down-to-earth kinda chick. I think she can really relate to the inner troublemakers, cluelesses, and transparents that readers have.


Megan

Thank you for the review, Megan. I fixed the little errors, that's what I get for editing when I'm tired. That little monologue was the reason I started writing it, I wanted to use that line in a story of some sort. Then I started writing letters.

Hi.

First off, I'd like to point out a few little technical things. I'm not going to do a full nit-pick session, but there are a few things that stuck out to me and I think they'r be relatively easy for you to fix.

The first one is that you really need to learn when to use "then" and when to use "than." The former is used either as a time marker or to narrate a series of events ("I was incorrigible back then" or "he looked, then stared, then ran"). The latter is used in comparative statements ("I like Puck more than I like Titania"). Here are the places where you used "then" when you should have used "than":

I used to hate you more then 'a fat kid hates dieting'.

I'd spend hours plotting ways to make your life more miserable then you made mine on a daily basis.

You've made me a stronger person then I ever thought I could be on my own.

You treat me better then any guy ever could.

For the grade nines, don't worry about popularity and appearences.
...
For grade tens, I know that you may feel a little... invisible sometimes.
...
Elevens, you may be tired of all of this.
...
Grade Twelves, this is your final year.

Is there a reason why "nine" and "ten" are lower case while "eleven" and "twelve" are upper case?

---------------------------------

Alright, that said--let's get onto the overall review. Overall, I thought there were definitely some nice sentiments here. When I realized that all the letters were written by the same person, it was a nice surprise since up until then I hadn't been so sure. I like that you signed each letter differently to keep that ambiguity. I think it's a neat idea to try and portray a character through her letters to other people. Also, I think you did a good job of mixing sadness with hope--it's not all emo and moany but it's not bright and sunny either. Nicely done.

One question I had is: do you realize that the first two letters both end their first paragraphs with "I used to"? It's a very similar format, and unless you keep it up throughout the entire piece, I'd suggest dropping it. Having two of the letters the same format and the rest of them different is a little jarring.

My main problem is that the whole thing just feels a little stale. It's not terribly original. You've got your pretty girl with an eating disorder, your homosexual kid, your sweet teacher who everyone makes fun of, your sensitive, rebellious kid who's running away from home... it just starts to feel a little bit like a soap-opera cartoon version of high-school, capitalizing on all the stereotypes. Personally, I'd much rather hear you tell a more idiosyncratic story. You could still have those stereotypical characters, but what if you showed us another element to them that made them more than just their stereotypes?

In any case, I strongly suggest trimming this piece down a little bit. After a while it starts getting repetitive and I found my mind wandering because the tone was the same throughout, and you were saying almost the same thing in each letter--you were just saying it in slightly different ways. Also, the last part (after the letters) dragged on a bit. I'd suggest you try and trim that down as well. I think this is a really sweet idea and it's got lots of potential, but right now there's just too much of it. I'd love to see you cut away all the extra stuff and just give us the most important parts.

Please PM me or write on my wall with any questions/comments at all. I'd love to help you out more.

a

Hey there, Italy!

I think this was smartly done. It was an interesting format having the letters and then the piece at the end, detailing the girl running away/leaving her old life behind.

I liked the way you signed each letter with a different name. It helped to keep the piece fresh, rather than having her sign each as anon or with her name. I have the same point to make as Azila, about the first two letters containing the phrase, 'I used to.' I think this would work well if you had it in each letter as a sort of re-occuring theme, but only having it in two doesn't have the same effect and would be better left out or just in one of them.

Because who says your not perfect, and who says your not worth it?

Both occasions here, the 'your' needs to be 'you're'

***

Overall, I think this piece is original and nice. It was sad at times, but happy at others, so it was a nice balance of emotions. Also, I really liked the paragraph with them all finding the letters - it made me smile.

Great job on this and I hope my review helps!

xDudettex

I feel I'm not going to be able to do a very good review, because I have the beautiful bittersweet feeling every writer wants a reader to get when they're done reading their work. So, I'll just say bravo. The perfect insight into this girl's life.

Wow. I really loved this. Maybe more than anything I've ever read. Right now I am tearing up. It's like I wrote this. I swear by the skies above that you reached into the deepest part of my soul and ripped those words out. Like every letter was something that I have experienced almost. I'll show you.
Your List

1)Jock
2)Slut
3)Best Friend
4)Mother
5) Bald Asshole





My List

1)Almost Step Brother
2)slut
3)Best Friend
4)Mom
5)Almost bald teacher

Recently I have been really hurt by 1, 2, and 4. The ones that were there for me were 3, and 5. But the last blow, with number one, made me realize I didn't want to be hurt anymore. And so I'm not. I've let all of those who hurt me go. I still care about them but i keep them at arms length. where they can't hurt me. Now I feel like a new person. I think you and I would get along just fine. And on your writing, I have not a single critique. It is priceless art in my eyes.

Forever, Writer.

This story really touched me. Now, I COULD go into some nit-picks at this point, but I wont, not just because I hate nit-picking online, but because frankly, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does.

Like I said before, I was very touched by this. I thought the letters were really well written and the emotion was well-conveyed (well, I thought) and really enjoyed reading them.

I loved the different characters you managed to get me to create in my head and I love the concept of letter writing. I felt like I could relate to everyone in the text in some way. I felt like they were all realistic with just the snippets seen of them.

I really thought the letters were the strong part of this although that was probably implied from what's above...
I thought the ending seemed a bit abrupt as well and wasn't so thoroughly explained although I can't really give any pointers on that. I still enjoyed the ending.

would've liked to see you elaborate a bit more on the reactions to the letters, not so much, but maybe an extra sentence or two. I really felt like they were just skimmed over without much time for the reader to take it in. I felt as if everything was rushing past, but I did enjoy reading that part =)

Overall, great work, although there needs to be some work done on spelling and grammar (but I think others have dealt with that above me). I just thought I'd give my opinion =)

I have noticed your use of then as than...
but anyway a good short story

You have shown the different sides of the writer to every person she writes.

This one is my favorite letter, it really happens in SCHOOL LIFE

Dear Jock,

I used to love you with every thread of my being. I used to stay up for hours every night and imagine how things would be for us if you would just ask me out. I used to try and ask you out myself. I used to draw our initials into little hearts all over my assignments, and then try and white them out before I handed them in. I used to.

Not anymore. Recently, I've realized you aren't worth the tears I've shed. Or the tubs of icecream I've eaten. I've been completely transparent to you all these years. I bet you didn't even read the card I slipped into your locker on valentines day. Either that or your Slut of a girlfriend threw it away. I never did like her.

I realized you weren't worth it, and I was only hurting myself. It's unfortunate that it took me four years to figure this out. However, I don't hate you. I have no reason to hate you, because you have done nothing wrong. I don't even know if you will read this letter, for all I know you will crumple it up and throw it away like an old discarded sock that lays in one of the changing rooms.

I just wanted you to know.

Sincerly, Transparent.

In the letter to 'Bald Asshole':

That was pretty rude of us, and for it your probably worried for the future generations.

In the non-letter paragraphs:

No one was up this early, so she could almost hear a pin drop, if one so happened to drop.

You might want to take out the last word ('drop') here. Your choice.
In the non-letter paragraphs:

It seemed to offer some sort of company.

Wow, this is really great!

The only things that I saw that you might want to change are the ones I stated above. Look over where they are and decided if you'd like to change them, because I'm not sure about the last two if you want them different or not.
Other than that my only nitpick is the ending. It was such a great story then last sentence seemed kind of boring compared to it. Try to find a different way to say what you're saying and I think it will be even better than it is now
Otherwise this is a great story. I loved it <3

Keep writing,
Alzora

This is such a beautiful story! Having the other characters know how one person truly feels by having letters sent to them is brilliant! Keep going and never stop!

Hello SisterItaly,

Firstly congratulations on the feature it is a really big acheivement and you should be proud of yourself. Now I have a few nitpicks that screamed to me and I really though you should correct before I comment on the actual text.

It must have been frusterating, having the girl you want so close and not being able to have her.

Frusterating isn't spelled like that, it is spelled 'frustrating'.

I'm sorry for their neglegence.

Neglence is also spelled incorrectly and to me I would change this word altogether it doesn't sound right to me.

Ryan smirked and pinned the note up on his corkboard, beside his football schedual.

Two things bothered me in this firstly I think you should change it from corkboard to either notice board or pin board.
I also know that schedual is spelled 'schedule'.

Overall though this was very good and the words were very true and very realistic and down to earth. It was very typical and the kind of feelings expressed within this were things we can all relate too. I liked the paragraph at the end which spoke of every characters reaction as they read their letter. Although I do think you could have added a bit more detail to this because it lacked information and it was very low key and didn't describe the reactions very well. Despite that this was incredible I really want to read more of your stories.

From CuteJackRussell

EMALY!!!!

I. Love. This.

Seriously, most of the stuff here I can totally relate to! I have no criticism! I just love love L.O.V.E. this whole thing, seriously! It's like awesomness rained down onto YWS and you are the godess that sent it! I'm like "WOAH" okay, enough blabbing, great job

~~Destiny110

your story has touched me deeply more than anyother story i felt as if these were letters i would write but you did and brought me to tears with the story (that hardly happens) i love this so much you are a great writer
-lucy