Third Strike, I'm Out

6 posts

How do you think of the emotion in this poem?

Really awesome!
0
No votes
Good.
0
No votes
Ok.
1
14%
Ok...
6
86%
Not so good.
0
No votes
Bad.
0
No votes
Terrible.
0
No votes
Un-realistic.
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 7


User avatar
Justagirl
Gender Female
Points 2218
Reviews 297
Fri May 27, 2011 11:46 pm
Justagirl says... · Fri May 27, 2011 11:46 pm
Spoiler
This is actually a bit of a spin off my own love life. Just a bit of fiction added to mix it up... I'd love comments but don't be too brutal please!


Three Strikes, I’m Out


I tease you,
hiding my emotions behind a mask of mean.
You start to hate me,
all the while my love for you grows stronger.
First strike.

I finally show my feelings,
you’re surprised, hesitant.
We’re finally together, though,
my heart is content.
But then I get bored,
forget what we truly are.
We stop loving each other
because of me.
Second strike.

I try to show my love again,
you turn me away.
You’re found another,
someone who’ll never (and never has) hurt you.
I still love you
though I try to deny it.
It’s my third strike,
I’m out,
but I’ll always keep trying.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
Quote




User avatar
Vapor
Gender Female
Points 1544
Reviews 17
Sat May 28, 2011 1:35 am
Vapor says... · Sat May 28, 2011 1:35 am
I like the subject of the poem, mostly because I think it's something we all can relate to at some point. But to me it's not to....I don't know flowing I guess. I'm no poet expert, so don't take my critique too close to heart--there's a chance that I have no clue what I'm talking about.
I enjoyed it though, thank you!
Quote




User avatar
paperbackheart
Gender Female
Points 1022
Reviews 139
Sat May 28, 2011 3:17 am
paperbackheart says... · Sat May 28, 2011 3:17 am
It's alright. It's not too captivating as say other ones, but I'm not a big fan of romantic poems. I liked the baseball references because I haven't seen that done before, but that's it. I think it needs to flow a lot better, but that's about it.
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.
Quote




User avatar
Kuyoko
Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 4
Sat May 28, 2011 1:12 pm
Kuyoko says... · Sat May 28, 2011 1:12 pm
I like it. Maybe because it does relate to me, and it just spoke out to me.
Hahah, when I first started reading it I was all, "Mhm-hm." And then I was all, "o.o I know, right?!"
You need to learn how to laugh at yourself.
Or you'll never make it in this world.
Quote




User avatar
Kittengirl2
Gender Female
Points 1957
Reviews 52
Sun May 29, 2011 9:28 pm
Kittengirl2 says... · Sun May 29, 2011 9:28 pm
Hey, this was interesting... Not my favorite, but I do like it. Now I'm wondering which parts are fiction (and what you haven't been telling me)?

Justagirl wrote:But then I get bored,
forget what we truly are.
We stop loving each other
because of me.

This part I don't like so much... I'm not really sure why though. Sorry that wasn't helpful.

Justagirl wrote:You’re found another,
someone who’ll never (and never has) hurt you.

Typo there, should be "You've." This line is strangely worded. Something along the lines of "someone who has never (and will never) hurt you." if you really want to use those parenthesis... I think if you can find away to make your point without them it'll help.

Nice job :)
"A kitten is an angel with whiskers."
Quote




Random avatar
Ignatius5453
Gender Male
Points 1456
Reviews 126
Sun May 29, 2011 11:52 pm
Ignatius5453 says... · Sun May 29, 2011 11:52 pm
Not a bad poem, just a little hard to read, I couldnt find any rhythm in it, and well... it was somewhat lacking in subject matter. Spice it up a little, has the potential to be good. Keep Writing!
Flightplan 49
Quote

6 posts


Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic