The Guardian's Creed Prologue: Devil's Peak*REVISION*

I lay near the edge of the volcano's mouth. This place, Devil's Peak, has the strongest connection to the ether-stream. That is why I have chosen it. Jumping into the great chasm would kill me, and the one that has stolen my body. His name is Damian Devilson and he is the Dark Brotherhood's second-in-command. Do not jump. It will kill you. The voice rang in my head, the voice belonged to Damian. It was at the battle of Al-Kiraj that I had slain him. Instead of him dying like he was supposed to I had to perform a soul-forge. That is why I am in my current predicament.

The soul-forge changed me greatly. My magic was once dark-blue, but now it is dark-red, the color of evil, something I inherited from Damian. The left side of my face and body is covered in dark lines, which makes people fear me. My left eye is yellow like Damian's, and my right eye is my own blue. My thoughts have become addled by the lust for evil and chaos that Damian possesses. Many times he has shown me visions and we have constantly battled for control of my body. If he wins my soul would be no more, it would not even return to the ether-stream. Our struggles have become harder and harder for me to win. The last one I almost lost. That is why I am here, at Devil's Peak. That is the reason why I have left my friends, loved ones, comrades, and my command.

Do you know what will happen if you jump? Damian asked me. “Yes I know. I'll die, that's why I have to jump, but you'll die also.” Damian gave an evil cackle. Do you think I care Halfling? Right now your friends are dying. And soon my brethren will come and your kind will be enslaved, or even exterminated.“Then why are you trying to convince me not to jump?” I asked. I don't think Damian was aware that I would ask that. It was then that I felt it. Another struggle was about to take place. I braced myself, but would it be enough?

The pain began in my gut and it was worse than the past pains. I gritted my teeth to prevent myself from yelling. If Damian did gain control at least he wouldn't have had the satisfaction of my screaming. It felt as if my insides were being torn apart from the inside. I will win boy!! Damian sneered, imagine the power we will have if you leave me this sad host body. Imagine the feeling of utter control, being allowed to do whatever you wish without consequences. “I have thought. But then I remember something, every time. Where would my friends be? What would be the fun in doing anything you want, without the challenge of having to get there?”
With power you won't need friends. And who cares about the challenge? This is your destiny.
“No it isn't. Our destinies aren't predetermined. Our destinies are something we forge ourselves, with our own decisions. You can't tell me this is my destiny.”

There was another wave of pain, greater than the previous ones. My head was filled with a high-pitched squeal and it felt as though several Lar-a'Kan were stomping my head in. I doubled over, the pain was now running along the entire length of my body.

Then tell me boy, what IS your destiny?“My destiny is about to come to an end. Yours too.”
Despite the pain Mathias rose. He saw the gaping maw of the volcano. The only thing he had to do, was run, and he did.
No, wait!! What are you doing?! Damian screamed in rage. The mouth of the volcano was now right in front of him, and Mathias jumped.

So this is what it feels like to die? Mathias thought as he saw the large amounts of lave rushing up hungrily to reach him. The only thing Mathias did, was smile. He knew that their were only two members of the Dark Brotherhood left. The Guardians should be able to handle them.
“Mathias!!!!” voices yelled from behind him. They belonged to Adriana and Corey, Mathias's best friends.

It was too late for Adriana and Corey, who accompanied her.

A few months earlier......

If you have ever visited my profile you'll know that I was originally writing something very similiar to this called the Cataclsym Chronicles. I was cleaning through my desk one day when I found this and I decided that I would post it here, I'm considering a rewrite. As soon as I have enough points I'll post the next chapters( 1 is done and 2 is almost done). Also a lot of what I wrote in here will be explained later in the story but if you do read it you have to keep a few things mind. Mainly they are that this prologue takes place before the rest of the book( I'm thinking I'll pick up in the present later on in the series). This is also a lot different from my other prologues.

*Fogot to post this with the other comment*
If you're reading this I'm asking if you could look at the CC and tell me which is better. This is also the possible rewrite for it. Much of the storyline is the same but some of the places, characters, and the beginnings are different.

Ah, yes... There's always a Devil's Peak, or thumb, or some such possession of the devil. XD

To me, 'stolen my body' means this other guy had control, in which case he wouldn't be about to jump over the edge.

" Imagine the feeling of utter control, being allowed to do whatever you wish without consequences" I'm a bit confused. This guy's logic is saying, in my way of thinking, "Give up control! Then you'll have utter control!" Which is... confusing. o.O Maybe make this part a little more clear?

"No, wait!! What are you doing?!?!?! Damian screamed in rage" Damian's words need to be italicized, or maybe even changed. I think he can already figure out what Matthias is going to do. Also, multiple question marks and exclamation points tends to look a bit unprofessional. One will suffice.

His friends' arrival seems a bit pathetic, being so late. Corey almost seems like an afterthought. Maybe show us their progress a bit earlier, like, he sees them making their way up the mountainside, and he knows they'll try to stop him, which will only increase the urgency of the piece. Also, if they're trying to stop him, I think we can already assume that they're his friends.

Not bad, but I think that if you show me a little more and tell me a little less, and increase the urgency of the overall piece, I would be more gripped and pulled into the rest of it all. Not bad, though.

Keep writing.

I've got Adrian and Corey in there because when I get into the present of the book

Spoiler

they save him(long story)

When Damian talks to Mathias about giving up control he is trying to fool Mathias into relinqushing his body. I like how you said there was always some personification of the devil,I didn't expect it and it was kind of funny (Then again i'm running off of about 4 maybe 5 hours of sleep and I woke up about 8 this morning so I'm not really the most sane of people at the moment).

Hey there Matthew!

I'm Tanya, and I'm one of the judges in the First Chapter contest, here to review!

I lay near the edge of the volcano's mouth. This place, Devil's Peak, has the strongest connection to the ether-stream. That is why I have chosen it. Jumping into the great chasm would kill me, and the one that has stolen my body. His name is Damian Devilson and he is the Dark Brotherhood's second-in-command

I was almost giddy when I read this, thinking what a great beginning this was. I'm a huge Fantasy fan, and you're right up my alley!

It was at the battle of Al-Kiraj that I had slain him. Instead of him dying like he was supposed to I had to perform a soul-forge. That is why I am in my current predicament.

Maybe you meant this to be mysterious, but it's slightly confusing. He said that Damien stole his body, then says that he has slain him and he, Mathias, performed a soul-forge. So, if he performed it, how is it that Damien stole his body?

Now, before we go further, I've noticed that each time someone has reviewed for you, you comment, explaining what exactly is happening. This thing is, when you read a book, does the author put notes in the marging to alleviate any confusion? No, he doesn't. The story explains itself. This one doesn't, it just brings some confusion.

Do you know what will happen if you jump? Damian asked me. “Yes I know. I'll die, that's why I have to jump, but you'll die also.” Damian gave an evil cackle. Do you think I care Halfling? Right now your friends are dying. And soon my brethren will come and your kind will be enslaved, or even exterminated.“Then why are you trying to convince me not to jump?” I asked. I don't think Damian was aware that I would ask that. It was then that I felt it. Another struggle was about to take place. I braced myself, but would it be enough?

This whole paragraph is really hard to read. When two different people are talking, you need to put dialogue tags.
"Buzz off," I said.
"Nevah!" Damian replied.
"But it's my body!" I screamed.
"Meh. Too bad," Damian said.

And so on. Even though his thoughts are in italics, they are still dialogue that he is having with your MC.

The pain began in my gut and it was worse than the past pains. I gritted my teeth to prevent myself from yelling. If Damian did gain control at least he wouldn't have had the satisfaction of my screaming. It felt as if my insides were being torn apart from the inside. I will win boy!! Damian sneered, imagine the power we will have if you leave me this sad host body. Imagine the feeling of utter control, being allowed to do whatever you wish without consequences. “I have thought. But then I remember something, every time. Where would my friends be? What would be the fun in doing anything you want, without the challenge of having to get there?”
With power you won't need friends. And who cares about the challenge? This is your destiny.
“No it isn't. Our destinies aren't predetermined. Our destinies are something we forge ourselves, with our own decisions. You can't tell me this is my destiny.”

I'm confused as to how exactly Mathias is fighting for control over his body? All I can see is a lot of him trying not to scream, but no counter measures. How is it he won last time? What helps him through the pain? Does he have any special power to aid him?

Despite the pain Mathias rose. He saw the gaping maw of the volcano. The only thing he had to do, was run, and he did.
No, wait!! What are you doing?! Damian screamed in rage. The mouth of the volcano was now right in front of him, and Mathias jumped

First of all, you slipped into 3rd person here, lol. In a way, I'm glad though, because not once do we find out Mathias's name, except for here. Damian calls him Halfling, but never by his name. This is something you'd might like to mention, at least once, and not by slipping tenses

And by the way, to follow up on my previous comment, this was completely random. We did not get the impression that he was even battling for control over his body, never mind that he was so close to winning. So I was wondering who the hell Mathias was, and why he was jumping into the lava....

Do you know what will happen if you jump? Damian asked me. “Yes I know. I'll die, that's why I have to jump, but you'll die also.”

This made me laugh. I know what you meant by this, but it didn't come out right. You make it sound like Mathias wants to commit suicide and that Damian's just an afterthought. Your sentence should read like this:
Do you know what will happen if you jump? Damian asked me.
"Yes, I'll die. But you will also, which is why I must jump."

Or something to that effect. At least we know that the plan is to kill Damian, and not himself.

It was too late for Adriana and Corey, who accompanied her.

That last part really needs to be cut out. We haven't seen these two characters until now, which means that we automatically assume that one is accompanying the other.

Do you think I care Halfling?

On a last note, I would suggest you go through your piece again and remember that commas are your friend. There should be one here between the words in bold. Several sentences are missing some, but I'm sure you can spot them for yourself. Keep in mind that when you're adressing someone by 'name', there needs to be a comma. "Why are you afraid, Mama?" And so on...

That being said, I think this has great potential. You started it rather strongly, and as I said, I'm a sucker for fantasy.

This prologue needs work, but that's normal. I don't know anyone who gets it on the first (or second, or third!) try perfectly, and this is why we are here now, ready and willing to help you out.

Pm me if you have any questions!

Tanya