Rushing By

Spoiler

I just wrote this. Tell me what you think! I'm not sure about the flow; it just doesn't seem real smooth yet?

Why does time go so fast?
Hardly a breath and then exhale.
Hardly a sigh, followed by a smile.
You should know, nothing lasts.
Lives lived, and then they’re gone, days seem to crawl, but it’s a lie.

Goals in life come and go,
We wish for things; think time’s too slow
One day we’re young, the next we’re ancient,
‘Cuz sooner then light travels,
We’ve become old. ‘Bang!’ We die.

Why does time go so fast?
Every day is like a spec on the universe;
So tiny and insignificant.
Yet on our ship, it’s the mast.
Minutes tick, hours run, and we find days rushing by.

Things we do, people we meet,
Mountains we climb, our great feats.
Through joy, through pain, we slog on,
Almost wishing our end near,
Life’s a butterfly with its dust rubbed off.
We wish it were longer, but we utter it with a sigh.

I love this concept and I love this poem. My biggest disappointment is that I never have enough time in a day. (I even asked for 36 hour days for my birthday, unfortunately no one could find any.)

Well written,
~FW~

Okay, I liked this poem, but there is one problem. You neef to make a dession regarding your rhyme pattern. That's all I could fijd wrong, so good job!

Lives lived, and then they’re gone, days seem to crawl, but it’s a lie.

You should put a break somewhere in here.

We wish for things; think time’s too slow,

Every day is like a speck on the universe;

I do think it needs to flow a bit better but other than that it's very good. I like it a lot!

Keep writing,
Alzora

Nice poem. I've only one suggestion to make:

In the line:

‘Cuz sooner then light travels,

replace 'cuz with 'cause.

There are also some punctuation marks that you've omitted, such as:

We wish for things; think time’s too slow.

but there's no big deal. As I've mentioned before, nice poem, I've enjoyed reading it!

I like the concept of it, but I agree that it needs to flow better. The last line in the first stanza really doesn't work (for me), but I don't have an idea how to fix it. Also,

We’ve become old. ‘Bang!’ We die.

I don't think that line fits with the rest. It's a good line, definitely, but it threw me off a little. That's just a personal issue, though. Others probably liked that part a lot. So, anyway, edit it a little and it could be great! Sorry for not helping much, but I'd like to end with this: It's a good poem (just work on the flow a bit), and I like the way you handled it. Does that make any sense? No? Oh, well. Have a good day!

Great job! I liked the poem idea. And completely agree, life seems to go by so fast. Im only 15, but still life seems to be ticking away. Im going to repeat some of the other reviews, find a rhyme scheme and stick to it, you keep changing and its hard to develop a rhythm when reading it, but otherwise, good job. Keep Writing!

Hey Matthew! Sorry this is so late. I've been a bit busy over the past few days and what not.

But first, let me say that I really enjoyed the idea and concept of this piece! You give it in a way that is not cliche or overdone, so I give you a thumbs up! That and there was absolutely nothing to do with love, so thats a definite props from me in any case. Love poems bore me to bits.

Now, onto the things I think could use a bit of work.

1. Diction.

I am a big fan of using words and imagery to show meanings that could not rightly be brought in prose. Poetry is one of the only times you can use some of the largest, most beautiful words simply because it is short in context and is supposed to be looked upon for more than a few moments or a quick glance over. That being said, if you want someone to try and analyse your poem for more than five minutes, you better be giving them something worth analysing.

So, work on your vocabulary. Your style. Work on images that aren't so bold and boring or straightfoward. Weave a poem instead of just stamping it down. We want that intricacy that comes with time and patience. This poem could be a stunner, if only a little more planned out.

2. Flow.

You made a statement above saying that you were not sure about the flow of the poem. I'm here to say you were rightly correct in that assumption. The flow, in all honesty, was easily cut off by words such as 'ancient' or longer lines that weren't really necessary or could have been fixed with a better vocabulary. There were instances where you added a period but not at the end of the line, which also cuts out flow. Sometimes commas and such things give an interesting effect, but not all the time.

So What I'm going to say is maybe put yourself a syllable count. Really nail the idea of flow on the head with a good, balanced stanza. With your growth of diction, so shall your growth of flow be good. Everything, in writing, can be improved upon, and nothing can be done instantly. But, and this is a big but, one can change their writing style completely by changing one aspect about themselves or their stylizations.

Overall:

You have a lovely concept here. The idea of time going too quickly is one in which anyone and everyone could relate to so you already have a good basis for a poem here. The execution wasn't as great as I'm sure you wanted it to be, but nothing untried will ever be great, so thumbs up from me on this.

Now work on your diction and I mean work on it ;D

~Walker