Silences Between

It’s been five days past
Oh so long,
Since we’ve been at the place
Where the right way is wrong.

And the old windy road
That we used to walk
Hasn’t had much wear
Since you haven’t been here to talk.

We’d take the fork left,
‘Cause I told you, it’s right,
And we’d leave for a while -
Most often all night.

But now we are standing
Without a word in our heads,
And it’s good ‘cause our talking
Speaks over what your mind says.

But I’ve been trying to tell you -
To ask you, I mean,
Why we say so much more
In the silences between.

So we walk down the path
As if nothing’s changed
Even though it’s been ages
And our thoughts are estranged.

But I guess the fact is
That hearts don’t redesign;
They are quilts in tight stitches
Held by impermeable bind.

Now we’re five miles past
Where were used to walk.
We are standing together
And yet we don’t talk.

We just walk.
You know what I mean.
We’re just speaking in silence,
Translating words in between.

This was pretty. One like from me! I just noticed, critique-wise, that you had a tendency to throw in an extra syllable (or three) here and there, and it really threw off the flow. Very nice job, though, it seemed peaceful to me.

Hi StoryWeaver13,

You're attempting to scribble letters in the air out of a haze of smoke.

Stop scribbling letters in the air out of a haze of smoke.

So you have people walking on a road. Good. I want you to stop thinking about anything else and then concentrate on running your memory over the pavement, absorbing all the senses and emotions that muster when you see a friend or lover walking past without gifting a single glance in your direction. Write about the action itself - the explanation and thematic elucidation cannot be choked down the reader's throat as you are currently attempting to do, but must rather accompany the five rocks that pillar a mind to the land - sight, taste, hearing, smell, and vision. Once you can convince the reader that you know how to describe a world, he will be much more receptive to your message embedded within.

As it stands, this poem is going nowhere. Kill it and start over.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

This is really pretty, and something a lot of people can relate to. Everyone knows someone you can 'talk' to without saying anything. The rhyme doesn't seem forced, and I thought it flowed quite well in most places. In some areas it feels like you're repetitive. Like you've already said what you wanted to say, but wanted to poem longer. Anyway, I enjoyed this quite a bit...*thumbs up* Good job!