My Immortal Chapter 1

Amanda:

Here I am on the edge of the world. I don't know how I got here. Last thing I remember was hanging out with my friends and in the arms of my boyfriend, Isaac.
Since then, the journey has been blurry, but I seem to remember all of it.

"Amanda?" Isaac asked. "Will you go get my soda from the kitchen? It's on the table."

I walked into the kitchen of my two bedroom apartment. I grabbed his cup and headed back to the living room. I sat back down on Isaac's lap and handed him his cup.

"Thanks babe. It's your turn to roll." He said as he picked up the dice for the monopoly game we were playing.

I rolled the dice and it landed on six. "One, Two, Three, Four, Five.... Six. Go to jail again? That's the third time tonight... UGH! I suck at this game."

My roommate, Alice, in the arms of her girlfriend Mandy, giggled. "That's because we have been moving your piece everytime you got up."

My mouth fell open. Everybody burst into laughter.

"I can't believe you guys did that." I said, as I felt my cheeks get warm.

Travis:

I was in my room when my father's slave and my ex-girlfriend Vikki came in. "Travis, your father wants you."

I looked at her. "Vikki, you know that I love you right? I just wanted you to know that."

She looked down at me with a scowl. "You better not let your dad hear you say that. He will kill you and me."

Hey, there! Emmylove, here to review!

First off, is that a working title? I don't know if you've ever read the fanfiction "My Immortal," but it's considered by the Internet as the worst piece of fanfiction/any writing ever. I tried reading it, but after Dumbledore's little outburst at "Enoby and "Darco," I didn't have the patience to keep going. It burns the eyes. My suggestion: perhaps change the title

Two POVs can be good, but I feel like the first chapter is way too short for you to switch POVs. Maybe if you just switch every chapter and have more coming from each person at a time, it would flow better.

The thing with Travis confused me so much. It took me a few reads to get what was going on, partly because my mind was still with Amanda.

Alice's girlfriend is named Mandy, but the main character's name is Amanda? I think that could get confusing, especially if somebody calls Amanda by a nickname (Mandy) later on.

I really liked the first couple sentences of Amanda's POV, but Travis's hook was kind of ehhhh. Switching POVs is almost as significant as starting a new chapter, so make sure that all the openers hook the readers to keep them interested.

I'm having a hard time telling how old these people are. Are they in high school? College? Out of college?

Nothing has happened so far, so I can't guess at how the plot's going to go. All I know is that Travis and Amanda are not aquainted with each other, so I can guess that they will be at some point in the story. I think it would benefit you and the readers if you had a longer first chapter with more going on. At least I would like that.

Good job. Keep writing. That is all. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or whatever.

Hello!

Firstly, I have to say that I think the chapter is a tad too short. Now, there's nothing wrong about short chapters, short chapters are brilliant. But, with your short chapter, I think that there's quite a bit of information missing, I feel as though you've plunged us into the middle of a story. Maybe you need to introduce the character and setting a bit more so that the reader has a clearer image of what's going on.

With the plot here, the events present seemed really flat. I'm not sure if it is actually significant to the plot line, but at the moment, to me, it all sounds quite insignifiant; the characters are playing a game of monopoly, great! But does it actually contribute to the plotline?

So, I'm not too sure of what's going on here. Maybe try to define that a bit clearer, add a bit more length to it perhaps, explaining what happens.

Also, the POV switches, I think that they're a tad too short. And with my experience, I've found that doing short POVs from one character's point of view and switching to another really doesn't work. So, maybe try lengthing it a little. Also, I'd suggest you to try to make the POV switches clearer, as emmylove has said, POV switches is nearly as significant as a chapter change, so, I'd bolden their names or something to make is stand out more.

I guess the main problem here is probably the length and lack of background information. I'd suggest you to make the story a bit longer perhaps and give us a bit more information, define the setting and characters more.

On another topic, your dialogue is brilliant, the puctuations seemed good to me and the characters sounds realistic. So, good job on the dialogue and characters!