The Girl Who Never Was.

Feel free to rip it to shreds! I'm sure this could use loads of work. Any comments would be much appreciated. =]



There was once a girl,
Who never was,
A racehorse running wild,
Was never the stallion on the sand tracks,
But the pony on the side,
No matter how she did her very best,
No matter how fast her gallop tried.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
The giver of the scoulds,
She took the pain the world gave her,
And she fed it to the wolves.
She never was one to deal with grief,
In the ways a person should.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
The eye-center of the storm,
She gazed upon the pavements,
And watched the sky preform.
She intended not to risk a cold,
But remained safely and kept warm.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
close to getting an applause,
Always came in second place,
Before she could even pause,
She grew to just accept it,
She was the girl who never was.

Hey. Chibi's here!
It took me a couple times reading this poem in order to understand it. I kept thinking that when you mentioned the girl who never was, I had some kind of stereotype in my head that it literally meant a girl who never existed. But when I did understand, I loved it! So, without further ado, let us see the nitpicks!

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:There was once a girl,
Who never was, I personally don't like it when there's punctuation at the end of every single line, so I don't think that all the commas at this repeating line are necessary.
A racehorse running wild,
Was never the stallion on the sand tracks,
But the pony on the side,
No matter how she did her very best,
No matter how fast her gallop tried. I think this line should be, No matter how fast she galloped. How fast her gallop tried sounds really weird.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
The giver of the scoulds, It's spelled scolds
She took the pain the world gave her,
And she fed it to the wolves.
She never was one to deal with grief,
In the way a person should.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
The eye-centerof the storm, either use eye or center here, eye-center just sounds weird
She gazed upon the pavements,
And watched the sky preform.
She intended not to risk a cold,
But remained safely and kept warm.

There was once a girl,
Who never was,
close to getting an applause,
Always came in second place,
Before she could even pause, I think you should cut this line out, it doesn't make sense
She grew to just accept it,
She was the girl who never was.

Overall, I loved this poem. It really makes you feel how the girl who never was felt when she was always second place, and how she accepted it in the end. Good work. Happy writing!

I say it's lovely. You move from horses to wolves, then from storms to on stage. Such poem gives the impression of a girl's life. I suggest you just keep writing for the sake of writing and follow your heart if other people criticize the wrong way.

Hi SakuraFallsSweetly,

This is a blind half-dead salmon traveling through a one-dimensional world. Yes, your poem is on a piece of paper and flows one way but you seem to be taking that concept a little too close to the heart, slapping the meat of the poem down with images of "second-place" over and over again like a fish vendor.

Horses, wolves, storms, applause. To be sure, there are ways to connect these chains to one another - the narrator sadly seems too lazy to even try. Why skip from one stanza to another with barely any continuity, only the theme of Almost locked in the jaws of this beast?

The reader is not given a roadmap here. Instead, he is given instructions one by one and told to just shut up and follow them without getting a chance to look at the macroscope of your setting. This is a severe problem that must be dealt with over all else. Convince the reader that you have a battle plan from the very beginning instead of a series of loopy steps that lead nowhere. Connect the images of this poem like a fishing net, lest it sink into them mud of its own incompetence.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I liked the concept and the image with feeding her pain to the wolves (I just LOVED that). The punctuation seems forced and repetetive, more to follow the rules than to give the poem a good flow. Also, you lacked continuity in your poem, which is a comon mistake. I love the images you paint with your words but they're not very cohesive. Keep writing poetry, and read the poetry of others and that'll help you get the hang of how to put your idea together. Hope I was helpful.


~ Spook

I like this poem. it made me think of all the kids at my school who don't really say anything to anyone. This poem made me think of them. I love it. It makes you think twice about having everything you want when you can be happy with out it, as long as you have friends and family right beside you cheering you on.

Awesome poem. I really like it and I think you just need to go through and check the grammar and punctuation and it'll be even better

Keep writing,
Alzora