Mislaid

Really Old

Hmm, this is interesting. I'm not sure what you're talking about but it's rather interesting anyway.

fitzwhip wrote:Really Old

Mislaid

The first that fled Right here, you repeat 'fled' immediately after saying it once. It's repetitious and hard to read.
Fled with poise
As it always did
Floating serenely
Out of my house
Scarcely uttering a noise
Believing not
That it was dead

I did not need it
I told myself
Sipping hot boiled tea
I can live all alone
In the silence of my home
Without that haughty dignity I know some poetry doesn't have any punctuation, which is fine, but at this line you need a comma, other wise the read really stumbles. The next line is like a sudden change, and it also seems a little unnecessary.
So much more room to sit

But as the days wore on
Like waves
I found myself incredulous
At the things I did
Wearing slippers on my hands
Selling illegal contraband
Making coffee without
The lid. At this stanza I was like 'Whaa...?' but it made me smile.

K, so I'm sure I would love this if I 'got it'. I just am totally baffled at what you're trying to convey....

This piece is a bit puzzling...I have to agree with Matthews: what exactly are you trying to convey? I mean, the piece is written well, I just don't understand the concept, is all!

Keep it up, though!

fitzwhip wrote:Really Old

Mislaid

The first that fled
Fled with poise
As it always did
Floating serenely
Out of my house
Scarcely uttering a noise
Believing not
That it was dead

I did not need it
I told myself
Sipping hot boiled tea
I can live all alone
In the silence of my home
Without that haughty dignity
So much more room to sit

But as the days wore on
Like waves
I found myself incredulous
At the things I did
Wearing slippers on my hands
Selling illegal contraband
Making coffee without
The lid.

Well hey girl. First I get you on here and now you're posting your own poetry. Don't grow up too fast.

Oh, well you're not half bad. Rhythmic, oriented, flowing, and he'll to sense let grace the entirety of the universe!

But really back down to earth. What precisely areas doing here, between jarring oddity in phrase and tense? What's more your rhyme while not excessive is certainly not cutting it. Ok so awesome, you mean something in the first "stanza" of lines.

Annnd then in the next we get this similar purposely vague display of actions and interactions in the home, and without mentioning the hidden thing we don't know. The "it" and "thing", and let's avoid that little topic again, becomes a pinnacle of your writing. So suddenly how well you wrap up your ending is the determining impact on your entire poem.

I get several feelings as to what this poem is about. And then several questions as to how important your declarative statements are. Would your poem benefit from more imagery? Would you lose your ability to veil the true meaning? Do you have no meaning? Perhaps those questions are as much for my thoughts as they are for the review.

So what drags this down? I can't quite experience the poem. I can't move between your moment and voice. You have more to use here, and it's simply cracked now, both sneering at its unknown qualities and limping in it's lack of broader aesthetic appeal.