Dragonmaster Chapter 2: Escape

I am running; barefoot, through a tall treed, dark and forbidding forest. The trees are branchless and seem to be dead spears plunging into the dark, starless sky. It is a strange alien sky. No moon or stars are visible but I am positive it is night. I recognize this place as I continue onward, knowing that my destination is nearing.
Suddenly a bright light shines aglow from the trees in front of me, beckoning me forth, its stretching rays inviting. I hurriedly move towards it, my legs moving quickly beneath me. As I come to a clearing I stop.
My heart beats fiercely from the effort of the run, yet I am calm. I know where I am. The brilliant light before me fades to a dim glow. The source of the light lies behind a glistening golden throne. A girl occupies the royal chair. She is smiling at me. Slowly, her robes swirling gracefully about her slender form, she rises from her thrown and nears me.
“Zavier.”
A shiver crawls up my back and I take a step backwards, the moldy leaf strewn ground padding my footfall. An injured look crosses the girl’s face.
“But why are you afraid?” Her voice is but the soft whisper of a child’s and I stand erect. I am not afraid.
“Who are you?” I ask boldly, my fingers trembling slightly.
“Let me show you.” She opens the palm of her hand and I see a shining golden orb there. She blows on it softly and the object leaves her palm and nears me. When it is in front of my face it flashes once and everything around me disappears.



My feet painfully begged me to put them back under the warm cover as I slipped out of bed into the frigid air. Someone had been screaming.
I listened harder and sighed. As always the house was eerily quiet and there was nothing to be heard. The sun still had a few more hours until it would even begin to start lighting up the morning sky so I curled up back under my threadbare rag.
It was the same dream I dreamed of every time father left to Market. In my dream the light in my face dims and there’s someone there but I can’t see whom, before it emits a chilling scream and I wake. The dream is always dark and leaves me with a lingering feeling of dread.
It’s hopeless-sleep never comes after such dreams-so I dressed and quietly tiptoed down the hall. As I closed the bedroom door behind me and turned around I was startled to see Zora standing there, wearing her best dress. She was smoothing down the front of her pale dress and didn’t notice me.
“Zora!”
She startled and darted around at the sound of my voice before hurrying a quick finger to her quivering lips.
“Shush up will you?!” She lowered her hand then slowly turned the front door knob. I raced forward and grabbed the door handle, using my free hand to get a hold of her shoulder as I shoved her against the wall. She let out a small squeak of defiance and slapped me across the face, her long gloved fingernails leaving burning marks on my cheek.
“Get out of my way!” she hissed savagely, trying to bowl me over, but-being the little lady that she was-couldn’t make me budge.
“You’re not going anywhere without an explanation!” I growled at her. The moorlands were no place for a ten-year-old girl to be wandering around in the early hours of morning all alone and scared.
“I’m going to greet Pa! If I show him proper respect he might not be so hard on me when I do something wrong -” her voice faltered and I realized how scared she was and relinquished my hold on her shoulder.
“I’ll go with you, just wait.” I scampered to the back of the house once more, hoping she would stay put. I couldn’t just let her leave alone. Shivering harshly, I grabbed the broken toothed comb and yanked the knots out of my black hair. I put my clean set of clothes on and my last pair of unicorn wool socks. They were soft and warm and the wool felt good on my rough callused feet.
I stuffed my stiff leather boots on before creeping back down the hallway. I left the house with Zora trotting closely at my heels. She was the best of us at deciphering Father’s wishes. He’d dropped a hint about having us greet him at Acres Point at sunrise the morning he returned, yet it had left my mind completely. Acres Point was ten miles exactly from our front door and would take the whole time until sunrise to get there, it was a hard walk. I gripped Zora’s hand firmly. White frost covered the graveled road causing her to slip and slide in her leather slippers.
“I hope we make it.” Her teeth chattered as she slipped yet again and I kept her hand up, preventing her from falling to the ground.
“We’ll make it, don’t worry.”
We continued on in this slip-sliding way, slowly nearing Acres Point. Owls hooted nearby and I saw a light in the far room of the Baker’s house as we passed by it.
“I wonder why there’s a candle lit in Iram’s room -” Zora murmured innocently as she too noticed the light.
“It’s none of our business. Besides, we don’t have time to stop and see.” I noticed Zora scowl slightly but she remained quiet.
The going was hard and slow as we walked ever onwards. Finally the faintest shadow of light appeared in the western sky to our left, a pinkish glow above the tall mountain range.
“Zavier, look!” Zora hissed and pointed to the darkened forest to the right of the road. Thousands of gleaming little lights flew through the forest, adorning trees and shrubbery everywhere.
“What are they?” Zora asked, amazement filling her voice as she slipped again on the icy gravel.
“They’re fairies. Best stay away from them, they can be a bit pesky if they think you’re intruding on something of theirs,” I chuckled lowly. Zora looked on in awe and I smiled. I remembered the day well that Iram and I, good childhood friends then, had gone fairy hunting in the dark of night. We’d planned on capturing several and maybe selling them at the market.
We had ended up stumbling on a massive Fairy Ball held in a large clearing. They had attacked us upon sight of our cages and nets. Burning and scratching us, they had bit us and shot at us using small arrows. Iram had managed to capture a young male fairy though and after we healed from our wounds we had considered that our excursion had not been a total waste. We had kept the fascinating creature for a little less than a moon, unable to find a buyer. The boy had grown weaker with each passing day and I realized it was from loneliness and I had befriended the wary creature. I set him free a moon later, ending my friendship with Iram then and there.




The sun was a warm glow in the sky, fully visible from behind the mountain range, by the time we got to the place where our graveled road met the main road leading towards town. Luckily there was a bench there, so I sat Zora down on its icy surface and took a seat next to her. I was cursing myself for not remembering to tell Daldiana where we were going and worrying constantly about the damaged wheat fields. Zora was complaining of her blisters and I was trying to keep from succumbing to the overwhelming power of sleep. I was in the middle of a large yawn when Zora tugged on my sleeve excitedly.
“There, over there! It’s them!” She bounced around happily, knowing that our walk hadn’t been in vain. As I watched her, it reminded me how young she really was. At home she acted bossy and at least twenty. Now she was an exhausted yet happy ten year old little girl. I looked past her and sighed, hating to dash her hopes.
“Not yet, Zora. That’s not them.”
She let out a soft moan. “Oh.”
The excitement flooded from her face and she remained perfectly still on the slated wooden bench. I waved halfheartedly when the wagon passed us. The man returned the wave and I noticed a half smile on his face under his bushy mustache. I recognized the man as Tom Rhineback. He was father of Stephan Rhineback, the young man who had given Dal the dragon meat. They were the Moorland butchers.
The sound of wheels on the gravel made me glance back down the road. A single unicorn cart was nearing us. I strained my gaze and recognized the unicorn as Sorrel.
“It’s them,” I spoke softly and Zora let out a squeak of delight. I put my arm around her and lifted her onto my back as we ran together toward the creaking old wagon and anxious red unicorn, impatient to see her foal.
“Pa!” Zora waved, choking me as she clung to my back, and I slowed as they finally neared.
Father was sitting in the driver’s seat, his son beside him. My heart dropped when I saw Earl sitting there. He looked as if he’d aged ten years except forgotten to grow a beard. I skidded to a hasty stop and caught Zora as she flew over my head at my abrupt standstill. Earl’s red silk tunic was torn and a bloody welt crossed his baby fleshed chest.
That’s not what worried me though, he could be dead and I wouldn’t have been more startled than I was now. A ruby encrusted sword sat beside him, his hand resting scornfully on the hilt. Dried blood covered the blade. I glanced up at his neck and sure enough it was there. A pure gold jewel was pressed deeply into the middle of his neck, gleaming mockingly. Anyone who’d ever slain a dragon cut the jewel from their first dragon’s heart and pressed it to the throat where it clung for the rest of the wearers life. The Dragon’s Heartstone. Earl was a dragon slayer, and a sword bearer. I who was eight years older than him, should have been all that but no. I was a school boy, a student, and a failure.
“Ah, Zavier,” my father crooned mockingly, pulling Sorrel to a stop, his golden eyes glaring down at me saying it all. I’d lost this battle for respect. The one I’d been fighting since the day Earl had come into this world seven years ago. Earl seemed to shine as he looked down at me and held his hand out to Zora, She took it and hopped from my arms into the carriage, squeezing in along beside the two men I hardly seemed to know.
“Wow!” Zora let out an exclamation upon sighting the bloody sword. “Where did you get a dandy looking thing like that from? We don’t have any money.” Zora asked, confused.
Earl sneered, addressing what he said towards me.
“There’s been a dragon pestering Cashmere for a while. I told Pa I was ready to slay one so he took me there and I gave the people the greatest speech they’ve ever heard. I told ‘em if they would buy me a sword I’d rid them of their dragon. They went straight way and bought me the finest sword in the whole town.” His luminescent gaze bored into me as he continued boasting.
“Anyway, I went out and I snuck up to the dragon’s lair meaning to slay that pest. Well the beast put up a fight and tried to murder me. I killed it right off though; my skill was too much for it.” He smiled down at me; such a mocking and cruel smile for so young a boy. I glanced at his wound and saw it for what it was; nothing but a scrape. Father had probably just done it for effect. Earl was an unfair swordsman and he had slain that dragon by cheating somehow, I knew it.
Father turned towards me, pride and cruelty etched across his clean-shaven face. His golden hair was shoulder length and fell in shining curly locks like his sons. His gaze flashed wickedly.
“I’m sorry, Zavier, It looks like you’ll have to walk home, the back of the wagon…well it’s full. I really am sorry.” Both of us knew he was lying when he said it but I shrugged my shoulders in submission.
“That’s fine. I’ll walk.” I tried my best to hold together what was left of my crumbling dignity as I started after the wagon. It sped up and passed me, Sorrel hurrying towards home and her filly. I looked after them and that’s when I saw her. I saw the glistening green scales of the full sized dragon lying in the back of the cart and my heart stopped. It was Kimberlina, my dragon. The one I’d given my meals to and worked so hard to keep her alive for over a year. My heart beat painfully. All I had done had all been in vain. She’d died at the mercy of my baby brother.
I dropped to the icy road and choked on dirt and mud but I didn’t care as I hid my face in my arms and I lay there sobbing. Why? She had been my only friend in this despairing life I lived, a hope among the dark. And now she was gone.
No carts passed me that day and I was glad for the reclusive silence that remained. I lay there in my grief; I let it consume me, my utter destruction.



I don’t know how long I lay there, tears falling, but when I rose it was mid day. The sun shone mockingly down on me as I huddled there in mud encrusted clothing. The ice had melted long ago leaving a muddy sludge behind. I turned away from the direction of my father’s house and started walking. There was nothing left for me back there and I knew I couldn’t return. I had no idea what I was doing only that I couldn’t go back. I smiled wearily.
First though, there was one place I knew I had to stop. I fingered the cold heavy silver in my pocket and wiped the tears away. Who cared about Earl anyhow? I would never bring myself to kill an innocent being to prove anything to anyone. Like Daldiana had said, I was a great swordsman, better than Earl and I didn’t have to prove it to anyone, for I knew and that was all that mattered. So, on that fateful day when my dragon was murdered, I escaped being a servant and became the master of my own self.







He has at last awaken. I feel it in my soul. She does also and we sleep restlessly, waiting for Him to finally come. And still. We stand here, one in the same, denying being separated to each passing cart an ‘corn. And yet He still does not come.





Just as good as the first chapter! I love your world!
~FW~

I am running; barefoot, through a tall treed, dark and forbidding forest. The tree’s are branchless and seem to be dead spears plunging themselves into the dark, starless sky above me. It is a strange alien sky. No moon or stars are visible yet, so I am positive it is night time. I recognize this place. It is familiar. I continue onward, knowing that my unknown destination is nearing.

I do this. I do that. It's like this.

This paragraph bored me because all the sentences are basically structured the same. You've got a subject verb object (SVO) structure with descriptive phrases occasionally tossed in. The descriptive phrases (which I bolded) are particularly obvious with how they're huge and all in one spot in the sentence and come across as more tell-y than descriptive. You can do much better, and I know you can write various different structures.

Try thinking of descriptions as spices: essential for adding flavoring, but if overused, become overwhelming. Right now, in this first paragraph, you hit us with the descriptive bits in huge chunks, so they are overwhelming and come across as bludgeoning us with "this is the way things are". The use of common descriptive words doesn't help and contributes to the tell-y tone; after all, using more of a bland spice won't make the meal any tastier. Being more precise with your descriptions as well as not lumping them together in one place within a sentence will help make your writing more enjoyable to read.

For example, if I were to rewrite that first paragraph:

I am running barefoot through an old, dead forest. Its trees are tall, branchless spears that pierce the strange, starless sky, a sky so dark, I am sure it is night. But though the sky is unfamiliar to me, I know this place, and I know that I am nearing my destination.

Making your writing more concise adds an air of urgency to it, a sense of immediacy. Cutting out ambiguity and focusing only on certain essential details helps enhance that air of urgency, as well as helps build anticipation in your reader as you give them just enough details to capture their interest and make them want to keep reading, but not enough to overwhelm them.

In general, I've found that it's best to err on the side of less description than too much. You can always go back in later to incorporate more details without too much hassle; it's a bit more difficult to sift through a deluge of unimportant descriptors to pick out the essential ones. You also have to keep in mind that what you describe and how many times you describe it is important. What does the reader absolutely need to know right now about the situation? How often do I need to describe this? How can I make these descriptions more active an engaging?\

Generally, repetition is killer. A good rule of thumb about repetition is to only describe something as a character interacts with it, and then only describe the aspects that the character interacts with. In the first paragraph, within the dream, Xavier directly interacts with the forest (where he is, that it is familiar), the trees (noticing they are branchless and tall), the sky (noting that it is alien), and his destination (that he will be arriving soon). Those interactions form the core details that you must incorporate; any others are just extra that can be used to elaborate on the significance of these core details, else act as transitions between them. Repeating descriptions of any of these core details (like with how you repeated that the forest was a familiar place in the first paragraph) comes across as redundant and very tell-y.

My feet painfully begged me to put them back away under the warm covers but I refused to do so against my own will.

This sentence struck me as being contradictory. In order to refuse something, a person must employ their will. However, it is against his will to not put his feet back under the covers?

The wool, also known as down, came off the belly of a unicorn and was spun into yarn or used to stuff pillows, chairs, and even beds if a person had a big enough unicorn herd.

This here is an example of exposition/info-dump. It's completely out of place, and it breaks the flow of the narrative to tell the readers something the characters already take for granted. Instead, it would be more sensible to mention that he put on unicorn wool socks. Less obtrusive, and it still gets across that this is a similar-but-different world than ours.

The fairy boy had almost died of loneliness and I, who had befriended him, set him free, ending my friendship with Iram then and there.

This sentence struck me as a bit sudden. He's happy about the capture, but suddenly Xavier's befriended the fairy and set him free? It's a rather abrupt end to the memory and needs more of a transition. Something like "We kept him for X period of time as we tried to find a buyer, but the fairy got sicker and weaker as the time went on, and I realized..."

“I’m sorry, Zavier, It looks like you’ll have to walk home. I really am sorry.” Both of us knew he was lying when he said it but I bobbed my head and shrugged my shoulders in submission.

I think you're missing mention of how there's no room in the cart somewhere.

Why did everything in this world have to be against me?

Woah. Super emo line. His friend has been murdered (through trickery) by his baby brother, and all he can think about is how his life sucks? That struck me as being rather selfish and callous. Killit. Killit dead.

I fingered the cold heavy silver in my pocket and wiped the tears away.

When did he put the silver in his pocket? Why was he carrying it around in the first place? Lastly, if his family is constantly starving, why does he have so much of it?

Hello there unintentional implications of selfish bastardry.

If you mention earlier on that he's saving up the silver to buy his sword because with the sword, he could earn more money to feed his family, and that he was saving up the silver with the knowledge/encouragement of his mother and/or sisters, Xavier will come across as more noble (which is what you seem to want to portray him as). Otherwise, you leave your more astute readers going "Why isn't he using the money to, you know, make sure his family, which he supposedly cares about, doesn't constantly starve?"

Also, mentioning why he's carrying around the silver would be a very good idea. Might be that, in the past, his brother/father found and stole some of it, so he makes sure his hard-kept money is on him at all times.

Otherwise, the reason why he leaves for his journey and how you handled that scene were pretty good. Aside from the things I pointed out above, this chapter was pretty solid, flows nicely from the first, and leads nicely into the next.

Its been so long that you've probably forgotten I was even reviewing your work. But! I have some spare time now so I'll get at least one done today and hopefully a couple more over the next week. Here you go, I'll start with a line-by-line:

Suddenly a bright light shines aglow from the trees in front of me, beckoning me forth, its stretching rays inviting. I hurriedly move onward towards it, my legs moving quickly beneath me. At once I stop as I come to a clearing. <<< Okay so atmosphere building! This is just a quickie lesson but one thing you should avoid is saying things like at once. That's a contradiction in itself, delaying your sentence and stunting your suspence. What I'd suggest is that your last line would read more smoothly as, 'As I come to a clearing I stop.' which puts emphasis on the stop part and is just that little bit shorter and snappier.

It's strange that you say the dream is dark and sinister because it didn't feel that way to me. It felt soft and hopeful. I'm not sure if that's just me? But you might need to look into making the audience feel the same fear that your character does.

“You’re not going anywhere without an explanation!” I growled at her. The moorlands were no place for a ten-year-old girl to be wondering wandering around in the early hours of morning all alone and scared.

Loving the meeting up with the father, the mention of the fairies and the dragon's heartstone. It's all very beautifully written, excellent dialogue and I've just nothing to fault, hence my little ramble here to let you know

I don’t know how long I lay there, tears falling, but when I rose it was mid day. The sun shown shone [Just picking out a few of your typos but you'll need to proof-read this properly.] mockingly down on me as I huddled there in mud encrusted clothing. The ice had melted long ago leaving a muddy sludge behind. I turned away from the direction of my father’s house and started walking. There was nothing left for me back there and I knew I couldn’t return. I had no idea what I was doing only that I couldn’t go back. I smiled wearily.

This was a good chapter and I'm sorry that I left so long before reading it. I don't really have many issues with it other than you're occasionally more wordy than you need to be, like with the example I pointed out at the beginning. But most of the time your writing is lovely and your plot is very entertaining. I'm not sure that we needed the full story of the fairy in just yet but you made the info dumping smooth enough that you can get away with it. Basically, nicely done! I'll hopefully get to the next chapter in a few days,

Heather xxx