I Can't Do This

It's fine, everything's fine.. Just keep walking. Breath.

Still, Paige's breaths came in short gasps; her lungs struggled for air in the heavy smog that enveloped the city. She scurried along the sidewalk with minuscule strides, her heart pumping with the sheer force of fear that drove her away. The college was far behind already, but her tiny legs still carried her elsewhere. Traces of saliva lingered on her clothes and fingertips.

Oh God, oh God, I'm going to die..

A random passerby sneezed just behind her, a harsh sound that was followed by an elephant-like trumpeting of nose-blowing and sniffling.

"Bless you!" a distant voice responded. Paige whimpered and brought her hands to her ears, slamming her eyes shut as she neared a row of shops at an intersection. Bodies surrounded her, and although she couldn't see their filthy limbs or their grotesque faces, air whirled around her and she knew that she was not alone. Their germs were going to kill her.

Tears bunched up on her eyelids and slid down her cheeks as every breath became more difficult. She wheezed as she came to a dead stop in the middle of a crowd. Some took no notice and swerved around her, but others spit obscenities at her. Shrieking helplessly, she stumbled into the nearest shop and finally opened her eyes. It was a deli; empty and spotless. A pudgy, unkempt college kid stared at her from over the counter. His blonde hair was long and greasy, and she couldn't help but notice a stain on his t-shirt.

"Hi, what can I get for you today?" His voice was clear and jubilant, but his expression questioned her. Underneath his warm smile, two rows of teeth glared back at her, mocking her.

You'll never be like your Momma, they might have said.

"Uh.. uh.." Paige huffed, squinting at the menu. "I guess.." she paused to take a breath. "Turkey?"

"Cheese? Mustard? Mayonnaise? What kind of bread?"

"Oh, uh.. just wheat bread," she blurted.

A look of incredulity crossed his face for a moment, but turned around a second later.

Gradually her pulse slowed and her breaths came more easily. She found a table in the very far corner of the room, wiped it off with a disinfectant wipe, and set her bag down just as the boy arrived with her sandwich. "Here ya go. Turkey sandwich on wheat, no cheese." He paused right in front of her and set his hands on the table, and she noticed the specks of dirt underneath his fingernails.

"You're pretty, you know," he said with a laugh, the booming sound shocking her into silence. Her pulse quickened again, and she backed up as far as she could in her seat.

"Uh.. well, thanks." A halfhearted grin spread across her lips, but it was neutralized by the fright in her eyes.

Please leave me alone, please leave me alone.

"What's your name?"

"Uh.. "

He waited for her to respond with eyebrows raised.

One second, two seconds, three, five, ten..

"Please go away," she finally pleaded. The grease in his hair and the dirt underneath his fingernails stood out to her like flashing lights, and she started wheezing again in harsh intakes of breath. Clearly insulted, he glared and strode away, leaving Paige alone with her turkey sandwich and her shoulder bag. A day ago she might have picked up the sandwich to eat it, but today was different. Her first day of college - dental school, no less - had only disgusted her beyond belief. College was bad enough, and sticking her fingers in people's mouths to examine their teeth for a career seemed to be her worst decision yet. Or her mother's decision, at least.

A jingle of bells announced another customer and commanded Paige's attention. Her eyes settled on a soft elderly woman with hair dyed a fake red. The woman's steps were slow and careful, and Paige noticed a cane peeking out from behind her right leg. Tentatively the woman moved, shuffling like a slug on her way to order. She halted unexpectedly and her cane clattered to the floor, and a second later a cacophony of coughs filled the room.

Paige turned her head away and covered her eyes and mouth, entangling her fingers through her dark hair. Gasping, coughing, wheezing; she had begun her own fit. Images of spit and germs all over her clothes and hands brought tears to her eyes.

I can't do this anymore.

Slinging her arm around her mouth and throwing her bag over her shoulder, she stormed past the old woman and to the ladies room. Barging through the door, she stopped suddenly and gazed at the floor.

A scene of utter terror stood before her. Used paper towels littered the tiles around the bathroom's garbage can, the sink was cracked and dirty, and a pungent smell flitted through the air.

Disgusting hellhole!

"Oh, GOD," she yelped, stumbling back out the door. She fled back to her corner table, tore her laptop out of the bag, and began typing the moment her email was opened. The hacking old woman was nowhere to be seen. Tears streamed from her dark eyes and dropped to the keyboard below.

Mom,

I can't do this. I'm sorry. I know you've always wanted me to, but I don't want to go to dental school. I just can't. It's just so disgusting. I can't handle it, Mom. Please don't be disappointed in me. I'm packing my bags tonight and I'm coming home.

I'm so sorry.

- Paige

Another moment passed, and she shoved her laptop back into her bag and sprinted for her life out the door, the sound of bells fading in the distance as she fled.

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Theme/prompt: Your story is about a dentist at a deli e-mailing their mom.

(She's going to college to be a dentist and she has mysophobia - fear of germs :D)

This is for the big random story theme contest. I would really appreciate thorough critiques. You can go ahead and post and be nice and say that you like it and that it's lovely (pfft, yeah right. This is my second short story ever) but I want to improve. Tell me that you dislike it, please, and tell me what to do to make it better.

A couple of nitpicks (for the sake of nitpicks)...

she couldn't help but notice a stain on his t-shirt.

Okay, this is good. This works. I approve of this... however...

she couldn't help but notice the dirt underneath his fingernails.

See where I'm going here? These sentences were separated by a couple of paragraphs, yes, but as I read the second one, a little birdie in my brain said, "... didn't I just hear something like that?" so I would change the wording on one of the above quotes. Maybe "she was disgusted to see dirt under his fingernails" or something.

She fled back to her corner table and tore her laptop out of the bag and began typing the moment her email was opened.

Here you have a much simpler issue: that green "and" I would take it out and just use a comma there, since you use "and" again later in the sentence.


OKAY! *takes a deep breath* now that those are out of the way...

You did a lot of things right:

You used some really effective imagery in this piece!

You didn't make it obvious that Paige is a germaphobe early on, but you gave hints in the beginning that makes the reader look back, and go "Ooooh...!"

You're flow wasn't too slow or too fast.

You stuck to your random prompt!

You did a great job writing from a germaphobe's point of view!

Did I mention great imagery?

Yay! All things that deserve a thumbs up, yes? Yes!

However...

In the end, I did sort of want to know WHY she was going to go to dental school... was her mother pressuring her? It just doesn't seem she would choose the career since she's a germaphobe and all...

Also: was she on the college campus? Is that why she was so disgusted, because college kids are gross XD? You say the college was far behind her, yes, but how far? Yards? Miles? Light-years?

But... overall, I liked it XD I really hope I helped you somewhat, even though a lot of this was babbling (I do apologize for the babbling)...

--
Tabby

Hello!

Wow, this is an interesting interpretation of the prompt, I really think it something worth exploring. I always find it extremely interesting how someone with agoraphobia/msyophobia is able to function, for in some cases I understand it is extremely debilitating. I think you did a pretty darn good job getting us into that type of mindset. Trying to get your reader to sympathize with a character that is much different then themselves can be tough stuff, and I think you handled the task well.

That said, I do have a few suggestions for improvement. So, I normally don't do nitpicks and the like because when a writer does major revision, the nitpicks become rather arbitrary, but since this is so short and for a contest, I think I will put a few in the spoiler at the end of this review. There was nothing glaring awkward, just little tweaks and such that I might bring to your attention. In the hopes that they will help you as you revise.

I'd like to talk about your portrayal of the mysophobia to start. It's the little details that make this work methinks, your MC noticing the dirt and a the stains before anything else, every sneeze catastrophic, stuff like that. However, I think you could play this up, put more an emphasis on it. I might employ some rhetorical devices. Maybe use a metaphor to make your characters panic more relateable, liken it something most people have experienced and understand. You could personify the germs, make them evil little creatures out to kill her, you could have her notice them everywhere. Right now, you spend quite a bit on your MC's body movements. While I think this details are relevant, and allow us to get a good sense of your character, it gets a tad repetitive. I might cut some of them and replace it with something like I suggested above, for the sake of word count. Up to you of course.

There were a couple things I didn't really understand, and seemed a little inconsistent. First, why would someone with such extreme mysophobia go to dental school? How could your MC even function in dental school up to this point, if she is this terrified to go off campus? Additionally, speaking from experience, college campuses are definitely not the cleanest places in the world, how did she deal with that without breaking down? Was there a catalysis that made her mysophobia much worse? Also why would your MC take the time to e-mail her mom from the deli? Wouldn't she just want to get out of the deli after all that? I know you need this detail to have this piece work with the prompt, but it does not seem that believable. Also, why would she order turkey, if she is terrified of the man who would make it? Granted, she didn't eat it, but still. I think you might need to address some of these questions as you edit this.

So last, I would like to talk about your ending. It just kind of comes out of the blue you know? Throughout the story your MC does not make any mention or allusion to her mother or dental school, and then it's just kind of thrown in there at the end. We have no context for that e-mail. I think you might want to gradually lead up to that e-mail. You could have your MC liken things in her environment to mouths or teeth, and the germs that come with them, or notice people's teeth specifically. You could have her mention the pressure her mother is putting on her in passing. I think if you do something like that, the ending will not seem so disconnected from the rest of the piece.

Spoiler

Still, her breaths came in short gasps; her lungs struggled for air in the heavy smog that enveloped the city.

I might change the the first "her" to Paige, starting of a story with a pronoun can be a little awkward.

They were all going to kill her.

I think this might be a good opportunity to emphasis that it was the germs that were going to kill her, as opposed to the people. I would try as much as possible to make those germs real and present threats. Another place you could do this is the conversation with the Deli-boy. You could have her notice his mouth, the way spit flew off his teeth, the dirty counter crawling with a million killers, etc. Another point is Paige's description of the women. Right now, she seems to notice what anyone would notice, hair colour, movements, and the like. However, will Paige notice what every else does? I don't think so. She might notice the germs, the used klennex in her pocket, the scab on her arm, the teeth. Further, she will probably recognize this these and think them threats to her life.

She found a table in the very far corner of the room and set her bag down just as the kid at the counter came over with her sandwich.

This seems a little inconsistent. Paige just is able to sit down at a table, without even wiping down the chair, or sitting on it very gingerly, and is just able to set her bag down, full of her most prized possessions down and have it contaminates like that? I thought she would be freaking out.

Awkward silence ensued. He waited for her to respond with eyebrows raised; a response never came.
One second, two seconds, three, five, ten..

I might rework this bit, I have made some edits, and I think it works a little better now. I think you had some redundant information in there, so I just took it out. I might just play with it, and see what works best for you.

Barging through the door, she stopped suddenly and circled her gazedaround at the floor.

A scene of utter terror stood before her. Used paper towels littered the floor around the bathroom's garbage can, the sink was cracked and dirty, and a pungent smell flitted through the air.

I switched the first part because the phrase, "circled her gaze" is a little awkward, I might play with that a bit. The second part is another place where you could play up the panic and the germs. Looking at the dirty bathroom through Paige's eyes. What does she see? You might not be able to emphasis the germs in every place I mentioned due to the word limit, but I might pick a couple and see what you can do.

Well, those are the things I noticed! You have a good start here, and a really interesting main character. I just might play up the mysophobia, and work on some of those little incongruences. If you have any comments or questions feel free to PM me! Best of luck with the contest!

Audrey

For a story based off a prompt, this was good. Really good. But it's always hard to give prompted stories substance, and that's where you fall a bit short. The whole story felt like you were struggling to connect everything, to make it all make sense. But hey, you were trying to make a story out of a dentist at a deli e-mailing their mom. And you had to make it interesting. Keep in mind that this isn't really a reflection on your writing (which is amazing for your second short story) but a comment on this particular story's inconsistency. If you were to come up with a plot on your own, I'm betting it would be absolutely wonderful.

Like I said before, your flow (as in making the sentences connect so that the story reads naturally) is great. For example, I love what you did with the college kid's teeth - it was a great segue. Your imagery and descriptions are also very sound.

Once I read the prompt, everything clicked. Before that, however, I was a little mystified as to why she was so terrified. I don't know if there's a way to mention that she has mysophobia without it sounding completely awkward, but if you can I definitely recommend it.

Pretty good. I do urge you to write a story that is your own. I think we'd be impressed by the results.

Thisis great. I love the description that you put into it. A really creative way to use the Theme generator, all I can come up with is some random humor. Great ideas. Good luck on the contest!

The very first time you say "Breath" I think you mean Breathe, and I think that would work better. Also "minuscule strides" is an oximoron I believe, so there's not really a way she can move with minuscule strides. And I kind of think the Minuscule is spelled with two "i's" or miniscule but I'm not completely sure. I think you should mention the mother earlier in the piece too.

I like the sentence that says "Their germs were going to kill her" it's really extreme and finally tells the reader that she is in fact scared of germs. I also like the sentence; "Shrieking helplessly, she stumbled into the nearest shop and finally opened her eyes. It was a deli; empty and spotless. A pudgy, unkempt college kid stared at her from over the counter. His blonde hair was long and greasy, and she couldn't help but notice a stain on his t-shirt. I would change it to "On his too small t-shirt" Or even identifying what color it is would help me visualize it better, if she can see the grease stain it's probablly a light color though. Overall this is a really realistic story, and it keeps your attention thoughout the piece, I've never read a story from the point of view of a germaphobe! Good Luck in your writing!

tgirly