Pretty Little Lucifer

I loved this poem, greatly written and very good with the imagination. keep writing!!!!

Hello there. I already saw this on the featured list like three days ago but didn't read 'cause I don't like the name in the title xD, but I got over that so here I am reviewing.

Nitpicks:

Everything you’re not.

- This reminded of the song 'Everything You're Not' by Demi Lovato. xD

(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

- I'm not convinced that he thought that didn't have a heart anymore here.

(You’ll tell the devil she said ‘hello’, of course)

- Okay, this one reminded me of 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. Did you intentionally 'imitate' those two lines from the two songs I mentioned? xD

They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.

- I think it's more fitting to use 'You' instead of 'They'.

She makes you think there might be more to life then that,

- I like the 'good being better than the evil' here. xD

(But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)
You’ve already sold your soul to the devil.
There’s no getting it back.

- Nice, strong ending.


I really like this poem. It's interesting and strong, especially the voice coming from the persona. I like the wording as well and the story in it. Anyway, did you already edit this 'cause, I didn't catch any punctuation or grammar mistakes. xD My question in this poem though is who is the persona? How is she related to the girl and the guy she is talking about the poem? You left that vague. My best guess is that she's a friend or a sibling. o.o Maybe not.

Nevertheless, this poem is great! xD Never stop writing!

It was interesting and quite haunting. Actually I am reading it again because I love it so much. (Good job, that's a real compliment.)

Basically I'd describe the girl more and the feelings he has for her rather than the fact that he is too awful for her. I'd put the italics at the end of every stanza (that's my nitpick) and keep the haunting tone. Other than that it was wonderful.

I loved that you completely sucked me into it and wouldn't let me go until the very end. I crave these types of poems. I love the italics because it adds to the creepiness. I think this is just about the bad boy/good girl types of loves (completely fictional now but I'm rolling for it) and just about the bad boy. It irritates me that there isn't too much description of the girl. What is she like? How does she affect him?

Great. Now I got inspired again. Thanks. -_-

I love it though and now I must write a short about this because I do love this poem so much. Good job!

Hey, I thought it would just be easier if I showed you the parts on here
I will admit that as I just re-read this, that it actually seemed to flow pretty nicely. I don't know, maybe my mind was just a little fuzzy that day or I was half asleep. Sorry :$
However, the last stanza still seemed kinda of iffy to me:

Boys like you don’t fall in love. They break hearts and get wasted and die alone. She makes you think there might be more to life then that, Maybe a second chance, a shot at redemption. (But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)You’ve already sold your soul to the devil. There’s no getting it back.

The first line in red seemed kind of choppy to me. I really like what you are saying, but maybe try to write it in a way that the words flow a little smoother. Perhaps, get rid of some of the "ands", that is what seems to be the problem I think. The second part in red was worded kind of funny I thought. As I was reading it, it didn't seem natural. Hmm.. I'm trying to think of something you could write instead but I can't think of anything D:
Hm...Okay, I don't know. If you can find a way to word it more naturally then I would change it, if not it is not that big of a deal. Again, it could just be me.

These three lines seemed a little long to me, but I don't think it is crucial to change them:

(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

Too damaged and tainted, with your battered wings and reckless grin,

(You’ll tell the devil she said ‘hello’, of course)

The last one isn't too long, it just sounds a little off. However these three lines really don't have to be changed. They could be improved a bit or re-worded, but if you don't want to change them or can't find something better to change them to, it really is fine.

Anyways, I hope I helped
Good luck with the contest! I think you have a really good chance of winning (;

You've already gotten a lot input and a lot of good advice, so all I'm going to say is I liked it.

I read the first stanza of this poem and immediately assumed I was going to hate it. I assumed that it was just going to be a cliche of the teenage girl's issues with and views of guys. Luckily, my curiosity forced me to keep reading, and what I found was that, despite how cliche the overall tone of the poem may have been, the diction and rhetoric manipulated my view so that it was no longer a whiny journal but a rather intricate dance of meaning and understanding. It was written almost like a song, and I read it as such, enjoying the words as though they were guitars and drums. It was very good and while I still don't necessarily agree or like the overall concept, it is still a tribute to great skill with words and that I do like.

"But you’re too bad for her, boy
Too damaged and tainted, with your battered wings and reckless grin,"

^^my favorite lines. "battered wings and reckless grin," yum. Okay, I'm attracted to this boy you're writing about.

Okay, don't take offense but I read this: "I wrote this about fifteen minutes ago, so it's like, not edited, not proof read, just spell checked. So please do not kill it. It's just a baby" and I saw that you were only 13 and I automatically thought 'Oh no, this is going to be all cliche and tweeny,' I was thinking Vampire Diaries.

I got a pleasant TrueBlood surprise (you probably don't watch that..) It was moody and dark and I liked it!

I think you have room for improvement, but you know that because, like you said, you just wrote it. My advice would be read it aloud, multiple times. That's honestly the best way to improve your writing.

Also...I'm not a fan of the stuff in parenthesis. I think it's all very unimportant information, but I think you also knew that because you put those lines in parenthesis. I think this poem could stand strong on its own without the ().
For example, I was rocking hardcore to the last stanza:

"Boys like you don’t fall in love.
They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.
She makes you think there might be more to life then that,
Maybe a second chance, a shot at redemption."

Then this came:

"(But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)"
And I kinda felt like you threw off my groove.

Then I got it back with:

"You’ve already sold your soul to the devil.
There’s no getting it back." <loooooove that right there, yeah, that's good stuff.

But that's just my opinion. Do what feels right for your writing.

Overall it was a pleasant surprise that could use a good re-write to make it an EPIC surprise.
Let me know if you post it again!

-RL

Hmm I thought this was a very interesting poem. It explained a lot of things without saying much. Each line interested me more about the two people. The girl, of course, was obviously a goody-goody while the boy was more on the dark side with a very intense edgey-ness that was able to keep me guessing. I wondered a little about the two people and what their relationship was with each other.
Also,I never really understood what the whole ( ) was about. Was that your thoughts? Was it her thoughts? Was it the demon? An angel? It made me think for a while. By the end of the poem, i was thinking "wow, harsh." but I liked the honesty throughout the whole thing.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable, likeable, interesting yet mysterious poem that I would read over any day.

Best wishes,
Nessa

This poem is amazing, I really can't say anything other than that because there aren't the words.

Well, I read 'Broken' and just had to see the one before it. I really liked this one too! It has alot of emotion and I get to see the feelings and thoughts hidden behind the devil mask that the Lucifer boy seems to wear.

And try to hear her voice
Over the sound of your heart breaking.
(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

I really liked this part, exspecially the last line. I liked how the feelings in this poem can be related to, even on not such an extreme level, but just the feeling that they're not good enough for the one that they love and that that person would probably be better off without them. Also how we sometimes feel too far fallen to ever be able to fly with the angels.

Anyway, I really enjoy your poetry and style of writing and I'm sorry I don't have more helpful feedback on it. It was amazing!

<..> Kat

I love this. I wonder- who is telling this to the boy? His conscience? His knowledge? common sense? And, the one telling him this- are they right? I love this. Pure brilliance.