Pretty Little Lucifer

I wrote this about fifteen minutes ago, so it's like, not edited, not proof read, just spell checked. So please do not kill it. It's just a baby

She’s too good for a boy like you.
You're a pretty little Lucifer
and she's the girl you can only dream of.
(Boys like you don't get girls like her)
She’s too sweet and innocent, all shy smiles and naive kisses,
Everything you’re not.

So you sit there in the darkness,
The taste of alcohol heavy on your tongue,
And try to hear her voice
Over the sound of your heart breaking.
(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

But you’re too bad for her, boy
Too damaged and tainted, with your battered wings and reckless grin,
(‘Clever as the devil and twice as pretty’)
And she’s the good little girl,
The one who's got a place in heaven.
(You’ll tell the devil she said ‘hello’, of course)

Boys like you don’t fall in love.
They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.
She makes you think there might be more to life then that,
Maybe a second chance, a shot at redemption.
(But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)
You’ve already sold your soul to the devil.
There’s no getting it back.

Liked it! There was a lot of...ooh, what's the word?..haughtiness, or maybe aloofness in there, or maybe even quite a bit of I told you so. Plenty of emotion there, of course! I can see this being put to music and being a successful single hit...just saying. Great job!

Wow. I absolutely LOVE this poem! You did a great job! :O One thing that I would suggest you is to remove the parenthesis, I think that if you wanna emphasize those sentences italics are enough. Other than that, this is really good.

Sierra wrote:She’s too sweet and innocent, all shy smiles and naïve kisses,

Okay, something happened with the 'i' in the red word. xD

Sierra wrote:So you sit there in the darkness,
The taste of alcohol heavy on your tongue,
And try to hear her voice,
(Cause you love it so damn much)
Over the sound of your heart breaking.
(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

I don't understand why you put a those sentences between parenthesis, it kind of distracts me from the poem. o.0

Sierra wrote:Boys like you don’t fall in love.
They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.

True. >.> Hahahaha!

Sierra wrote:She makes you think there might be more to life then that,

It should be "than".

~Solvy <3

Wow, great poem ^^ I really liked it! I don't know much about poems, so I can't really give you a review (Sorry) but I just wanted to say I thought it was great

This was wonderful. I could totally relate to this, which is what makes poetry good, when someone can relate I mean. But anyway, I don't think I saw any mistakes, but then again I wasn't really looking for them, so I'll leave someone else to nitpick =] Overall a nice piece of work. I was a little iffy on the flow, but thats okay. Nicely done =]

This is a good poem. The only thing is, the "innocent" usually aren't. And they usually go for the bad ones. I would know from experience. I am damaged, tainted, essentially everything in this poem from the male's perspective, but there is more to life than self-pity, drink, and sex. But, still I am damaged. So good job. It is deep, yet easily understood to our generation as a whole.

I thought you had a good story line. A devil, an angel, forbidden love. That's always a good story starter. But I think you could have done a lot more with this piece. It was so awkward at moments and it made it hard for me to follow your story line. I understood where it was going at first but then towards the end you lost me. Maybe it needs to be more drawn out? A little longer? Describe more of the angel character. Overall it was good it just needs a little work .

I really enjoyed this poem! There story behind it was very interesting, and I thought you gave the poem a very nice and strong tone. You also had some really good imagery in here that I liked. I also liked how you threw in those little parts in italics, to give the poem another perspective (I'm not sure if this was what you were going for, but as I was reading I felt like that was devil within him talking). However, these parts were kind of confusing at first. Some of them kind of threw off the flow I thought. Unfortunately, I'm not too sure how you can fix that. I would just leave them because I think it adds nicely to the poem. Maybe just remove the brackets so it doesn't look as out of place as least. I also felt like the flow was kind of off in some other places throughout the poem. I was tripping over some of the words. I felt like the story was holding together the poem more than the flow was. Maybe try and rephrase some lines. I didn't notice any grammatical errors.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem! The story and emotion were amazing! Loved it

I really liked it...scratch that, i loved it! I didn't see that many gramatical errors or anything. Everyone's got that little devil sitting on there shoulder, i could really imagine that when i was reading it. Definitely one of my new favorites

I saw this poem in the featured works section and after reading it I saw why it was there. I thought it was well-written( though I don't usually jude poetry) and I especiall liked how you put some of the lines in parentheses. One thing wrong though is that I was watching something on history channel and it said that Lucifer actually means bringer of the light. I myself think it's more of a devilish name and I am actually using the name Lucifer for an evil character in my novel the Guardian's Creed (I'll have it posted it soon). I really enjoyed this poem( even though I've never been a poetry type guy).

O_O
You're just amazing.
I would sit here and press the Like button for an hour if I could.
I love this poem.

I do believe it's better than anything I've ever written.

*Huggles* You're the best. Embrace your Gift of the Arts.

Nixy

Sierra.

This was a strange poem. Selling one's soul to the devil is an old concept, but it can be definitely traced to the legend of Faust. Faust is a doctor who sells his soul to the devil in order to be able to cure anything, and, as a result, becomes rich and famous. Your boy has sold his soul to the devil, and apparently, all he gets for it is a broken life and a lonely death. What exactly did he buy with his soul?

While the character is "the only girl you can dream of", the boy himself is said not to be able to fall in love. What does he feel towards this girl, then?

PurifyingFire

Hola, Nafe here and I'm going to review you poem. Well it's not going to be a critical review seeing as I didn't find anything to criticise. I'll let someone else do that then.
Well I liked this poem. Poetry is so cool if the reader can relate to it or at the very least understand where the poet is coming from. I'm not going to be all nitpicky and critical here, I wasn't looking for any errors, perhaps that's why I haven't found any. The flow could use a little tweak I guess but that's all I really noticed. Urrm, keep up the good work though. I enjoyed reading it.

Wow and double wow, this poem is incredible! It's not got anything particularly 'clever' or anything, but it just seems to work. For me it flows perfectly and if I were you I wouldn't touch it. I think that the fact you wrote it and left it makes it even better somehow. Beautiful poem, probably one of my favourites on her. Fantastic. More please!!

~Crim

This was amazing and captivating! this seems so, reat! i cannont find anything wrong with it, and got totaly sucked in to the poem!!!! you have a complex, yet simple writing style that is easy to connect to on a personal basis!!!! I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!