For You To See Me

Soo, this is one of the poems I did for NaPoWriMo, and just know, IT WAS EXTREMELY HARD.

done with the disclaimer ^^



Tonight, and every night ahead, I spend in foolish fantasy, hopeless dreaming, and gossamer yearning, for you to see me.
Ha. As if you could ever take away, my unrequited love for you... yet still I wish, with passion burning, for you to see me.

In my dreams I see, a painfully beautiful prince, with a twisted heart of stone, still I could not help but die, if I died in sight.
These perfect dreams are shattered, with a blindness so selfishly chosen, but every day I hope, with a stomach churning, for you to see me.

If you can see the painted sunset, the sparkling stars, and airbrushed clouds, why can't you see me, waiting for you in the midst?
I must be delusional, to think that you could ever see the world how I do, so full of wonder, it would take a lot of learning, for you to see me.

Maybe if I stand to block your veiw, so you can see nothing but me? My heart longs to tear down your carefully crafted facade, my head wishes to succumb to your will.
Do you see me know? I think not. The mere beauty of this quest, is the very soul it takes from me, all of my passion, everything I am earning, for you to see me.

After the struggle, after the pain, would you nurse my tender bruises? Whisper sweet words of nothingness, breathing them into my core?
No, you would not, a serial killer of lovers with an amused expression on your face. You would use me, toss me away, and then break my heart. I would keep on returning, for you to see me.

The mocking prince holds your gaze for a split second and laughs,
"Oh tinkembell, I'll never see you, yet at least you know, you don't have to do anything, even remotely concerning, for you to see me..."

Hello there. Well firstly, I liked the poem overall. It was easy to understand and relate to. But one of the bigger nitpicks I have with it, is that it doesn't look like a poem. I clicked on it and then thought I clicked on the wrong thing for a minute, haha. =] I'd definitely change the set up, shorten the lines. Shortening the lines will not only make it more appealing to the reader, but will accent more of the words, giving it better flow. Good poem in all. =]

Hello there.

Nitpicks:

yet still I wish,

- I think there should be a comma after 'yet'.

In my dreams I see, a painfully beautiful prince,

- There shouldn't be a comma after 'see'.

If you can see the painted sunset, the sparkling stars, and airbrushed clouds, why can't you see me, waiting for you in the midst?

- Wow. This is a wonderful line. The imagery is great too.

I must be delusional, to think that you could ever see (...)

- Remove the comma after 'delusional'.

(...) so full of wonder, it would take a lot of learning, for you to see me.

- It should be a period after 'wonder'
- There shouldn't be a comma after 'learning'.

Maybe if I stand to block your veiw, so you can see nothing but me?

- This sentence is incomplete. I suggest changing the 'if I stand' to 'I'll stand' and changing the question mark to a period. The comma isn't necessary too.
- Typo: 'view'

My heart longs to tear down your carefully crafted facade, my head wishes to succumb to your will.

- I think this sentence should just be separated into two.

Do you see me know?

- Typo: 'now'

The mere beauty of this quest, is the very soul it takes from me,

- Wow. I love the emotion here.
- Remove the comma.

I would keep on returning, for you to see me.

- Remove the comma.

The mocking prince holds your gaze for a split second and laughs,
"Oh tinkembell, I'll never see you, yet at least you know, you don't have to do anything, even remotely concerning, for you to see me..."

- I didn't get this part.


This is really beautiful. Anyway, I asked you to remove those commas because I think it's better if you wrote this in verses, and not in paragraphs. Maybe, I missed some commas but I hope you'll catch them on your own. Nevertheless, I really like this poem. The wording is simple yet nice. The emotion is well laid out. And the imagery is nice too. The story in it is also nice.

Never stop writing!