Face the wind

For the contest my word was HEAD I thought of WIND


I sat down the wind blowing through my hair. Sometimes I swore wind was alive, breathing heavily, mad at something. " Buckle up," The man next to me muttered , "I`ll explain on the way."
2 hours ago I had been at home having a perfectly normal argument with the neighbors` chihuahua name Wen. Then the sky got dark. Suddenly a man grabbed me and ... I have no idea. I do remember the man, it was odd, one second just me and Wen and the next second a dark man appeared, he seemed to have been made from the wind it self.
" You seem to be taking this well " The man said looking at my his blue eyes looked dull,sad.
"I`m screaming my head off on the inside, but so far you haven`t hurt me or tied me up or anything so I`ll try to stay calm as long as you agree to some thing." I said my voice cracking slightly showing my true fear. The man smiled
"Sara I really do not believe your in any position to bargan . But what do you request?" I was stunned I didn`t think he would agree . Another strong gust of wind blew through the car. It was like it was trapped in the car with me. "
M...My request is that you don`t hurt me and I get to call my mom tonight to pick me up. " I said hoping he would agree to at least one of them.
"You truly have no idea who I am do you Sara? I would never hurt you. And as for your second request, here." He tossed me a light blue cell phone. My cell phone.
" How in Gods name ..." . " Just call your mom" The man said cutting me off.
I dialed my mothers number and she picked up on the third ring.
"Sara, Hi honey are you alright are you with Aeolus?" She said sounding worried "Um ,Aeolus pronounced like the greek god? Yeah I think so." I said glancing at him. " You think so? Put the man on the phone !" I handed the phone to the man, Aeolus I guess. I listened to what he said to my mom.
"Of course its me! You didn`t think I`d let them get her did you? ...Yes, Not is leading them they said they haven`t got there fair share of the glory... Of course I`ve tried pleading with them but they said I get all the glory and there tired of it ... No I will not bargan with them a! ... Okay I won`t used that excuse .. I have to go I need to explain to Sara whats going on ... No I haven`t explained yet ... Okay bye ! "
"So your names Aeolus ? That`s nice I like studying the Greek gods ." I said feeling alot more comfortable now that I realized this man and my mom knew each other.
"Do you remember what Aeolus was the ruler of ?" He asked eagerly.
" Um.. Yeah he`s the god of the winds, right?" I said uncertanaly, his eagerness had thrown me and I was wondering why this question got him so excited .
" Yes I was the god of the winds" He said smiling .
"Okay well what does that have to do with any...wait did you say I? " I looked at him my eyes wide
"Yes," he said softly "I am Aeolus previous ruler of the Winds, and you are Sara Anemos Nite daughter of a wind ruler god. The wind gods , they have rebelled lead by Notus the south wind and they are coming. They think the best way to get to me is to attack my last born child , they are right. "
A million thought swirled around in my head this had to be a joke right ? Yet I believed him.There was something in his eyes that made me believe him . The winds were attacking."Oh my god" I muttered.
"Gods" Aeolus , my father said and we countinued driving
"So your a God? Ruler of the wind, son of Poseidon?
" I was the Ruler of Winds". He said glancing at me
" And you expect me to believe you?" Even though I did
"Do you ?"He said frowning
"Should I?" I asked. He didn`t answer and we countiued driving ,to face the music I guess. Or in this case the wind .

This is for the contest A word is worth a thousand pictures my word was head. The first word that popped in to my head was wind . I don`t know why.=(

Ooh, this idea intrigues me.

A few nitpicky things:

The spacing of your punctuation seems to be wonky. I mean, there's like weird spaces all around a lot of words and punctuation marks. It's kind of distracting and definitely takes attention away from your story itself.

Also, the dialogue is all smushed up in the prose. When writing dialogue, whenever a new character starts to talk, their dialogue gets bumped down into its own paragraph.

Example:

"So... You've thought this through?" Taylor said, peering over the edge of the roof. "I mean, like, you have a plan?"

"Not at all," Barb said cheerfully, deftly tying knot after knot in the frayed rope.

See how they're separated? It makes it much easier to see when a new person is talking.

I know this is a short story and you don't have a lot of space to get information out, but there seems to be a lot of info-dumping in the dialogue. Like, you didn't have space for it anywhere else. Slow down a little. Why didn't her mom tell her about this before? It seems like it'd be pretty important. And she didn't even tell her that her father might be picking her up/kidnapping her? She seems to have known something was going to happen. Seems kind of sucky to not tell her daughter and keep her from, y'know, freaking out or anything.

Why does Sara believe him in the end? I mean, yes, he explains some stuff and he seems to know her mom, but what if he were just bluffing on the other end of the line? What if her mother were actually in hysterics and he were just making stuff up to keep Sara from finding out? What if he weren't the Aerolus that her mother was talking about? I mean, she doesn't get to talk to her mom after that. Why doesn't her mom explain over the phone? Sara doesn't know this guy at all. How does she know he's telling the truth? She just seems to accept it. Why?

I like this idea. I really do. But it just seems to be so rushed. It's more of a conversation than a story, with information just sort of dumped in there to make it fit into a larger picture. Take it a bit slower, a bit smaller. Maybe begin in a different place? Like, what if you were to start after she gets off the phone and has had stuff explained to her? She could be sitting in shock, asking clarifying questions.

Example:

It was taking long moments for the words to sink in.

"You're my dad?"

"Yes." He looked from the road to me, waiting for a reaction. I just hunched in the seat, staring out the windshield.

"And... You're the ruler of the wind."

"I used to be."

Something like this. See how we're getting the same information without having to go through all the background of how she got in the car? They could even talk about how he's sorry he might have scared her by grabbing her, but she's in danger, blah blah blah. It might read much more interestingly.

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions! Good luck on your entry!

~GryphonFledgling

Hope that`s better

Daisy! June here, just as I promised,

I sat down the wind blowing through my hair. Sometimes I swore wind was alive, breathing heavily, mad at something. " Buckle up," The man next to me muttered , "I`ll explain on the way."

The opening line of your story needs to be a "hook", something that is original, but not too intense. Something that draws your readers in that makes them want to keep reading. I can't say that this actually does it for me, because there isn't really anything here that is clear or focused or that says to me, "this is promising, keep reading."

I think the wind opening is a little cliche. I understand that this is in relation to the actual story, but it's a bit of a cliche, opening with the wind (or sunrise or something beautiful about nature. It's an easy, effortless opening, but it's overused. )

2 hours ago I had been at home having a perfectly normal argument with the neighbors` chihuahua name Wen. Then the sky got dark.

Two, not, 2. In writing, write out numbers.

" You seem to be taking this well " The man said looking at my his blue eyes looked dull,sad.

My mom used to tell me in elementary school that punctuation is part of your word. You connect it to whatever word you're writing with no spaces, but you follow it with a space, dear. So, instead of " You... well ", you will have "You... well". Similarly, after dull, you need a space after that comma.

"Sara I really do not believe your in any position to bargan .

bargain.

M...My request is that you don`t hurt me and I get to call my mom tonight to pick me up. " I said hoping he would agree to at least one of them.

Missing opening quotation mark, dear

" How in Gods name ..." . " Just call your mom" The man said cutting me off.

Start dialogue for each character on a new line, dear. Also, an ellipsis (...) implies the character's speech is trailing off. A dash (--) (dash or two hyphens) implies that the character is being cut off, which is what you want here.

Also, watch the phrases you use. You use the active voice a lot, as in your verbs are active. Hoping, cutting, etc. Why don't you just say he interrupted her? It sounds a lot more fluid.

A million thought swirled around in my head this had to be a joke right ? Yet I believed him.There was something in his eyes that made me believe him . The winds were attacking."Oh my god" I muttered.

"Gods" Aeolus , my father said and we countinued driving

Haha, this correction point made me laugh.

"So your a God? Ruler of the wind, son of Poseidon?

You're.

"Should I?" I asked. He didn`t answer and we countiued driving ,to face the music I guess. Or in this case the wind .

This ending doesn't do anything for me. It's very anticlimactic. The anxiety of the drive and the tension building between the characters raised my expectations of something bigger waiting to happen, dear, and I felt that this ending tossed me over the edge with no resolution!

On the whole, it wasn't bad, but it needs work. For starting, your punctuation is a bit off. If you're unsure, it helps to write in microsoft word, or if you don't have it, try google docs. It will do the little red-squiggly-line to remind you of your punctuation flubs.

My other issue with this is that the characters were foggy. The girl, Sara, seems strong willed, but we need to see her exhibit more signs of herself. She seems a bit moody, but not afraid of being kidnapped. She doesn't sound surprised to find her father was previously a wind god.

And speaking of wind god, I don't find anything god-like about him. I don't find his claim to being a god convincing, other than the fact that the wind was in the car with them, dear. I think you have the grounds for a good story, but I don't feel you're maximizing your potential here.

Best of luck,

June