My Beautiful World

There he goes
my beautiful world
where every bit of him
is real
is tangible
is mine
where his laugh is like a thunderclap
and signals the coming of rain
when I’ve been so thirsty
where every bit of him
the long grasses, his fingers
the smooth plain, his stomach
the rising mountains, his knees
is real
the darkening forest, his hair
the taunting cliff, his neck
the blinding sun, his smile
is tangible
And there he goes
my beautiful world
where every bit of him
is mine

EEEEEEEEK!!!! I think you have made a common, but tragic mistake with your poem. There is hardly any punctuation! Now, to be fair, you COULD have done this for effect. But I highly doubt this (Even if you did, it's a bad effect). A better title would have been "Enjambment."

So, when you lack those end-line punctuation marks, your poem reads (without pause) like this: "There he goes my beautiful world where every bit of him is real is tangible is mine where he ... " (And it continues to run on).

When I read this I was breathless! It's convoluted and all one incomplete sentence! (You need a period). And this is just your punctuation. I refuse to continue critiquing until you revise this. Your current work is unreadable, and difficult to take seriously.

I'm sorry, I don't think the punctuation matters too much. I mean, a bit of punctuation could obviously make the poem better, but the lack of it doesn't make it unreadable. And you do have punctuation, just not at the ends of lines and just not periods

I actually really liked this poem. I didn't get that you had listed the things that were real and tangible and yours until I had read it a few times, but I do like how you did that. Now, where you compare his hands to the long grasses is a little strange (not that I have any idea what else to compare it to). Comparing his smile to the sun is a bit overdone. I think it would be really cool if you would put a '--' after "where every bit of him" and before the second "is real", "is tangible", "is mine". That would draw more attention to those phrases.

So yeah, in all I like your poem. You definitely could add punctuation and change a few things, but it's pretty good. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

Hey, sleepthief!

So first off, what I really enjoyed about your poem was the overall impression it gave me; I could feel the narrator's emotions so clearly that they were, as you put it, tangible, which I am pretty sure was one of the points of your poem.

One of my favorite elements of this poem was how, when you were using similes to describe his various body parts, you ended each line with the part you were describing:

sleepthief wrote:the long grasses, his fingers
the smooth plain, his stomach
the rising mountains, his knees

and

sleepthief wrote:the darkening forest, his hair
the taunting cliff, his neck
the blinding sun, his smile

I felt like this placed a lot of emphasis on the person himself, and it also made the comparisons very clear and easy to understand. In fact, I think one of the best parts of your poems is structure - it's very carefully thought out, and I appreciate as a reader the effort that went into constructing the poem.

Your language is very beautiful and elegant, and I loved the impression I got from it - the whole mood is languid and lovestruck and awe-filled. (I kind of expected some angst at the end, but that was probably just me).

As some constructive criticism, I do agree with those who previously reviewed that punctuation would probably add to your poem, not detract from it. I know it's hard to change an element of writing if you grow attached to it, and I do think that you don't need to change that much. However, punctuation can add pauses and breaths that could probably bring a lot of emotional effect to your poem, and I think that it would be beneficial.

Beautiful work, and keep writing!

~Glim