Look at her

Listen to me. I know youre in a hurry but you've got to hear me out. I hear you dont stop for anyone that nothing stands in your way...
Through all the horrid events and loss of loved ones, all the tears and shattered hearts, you keep pushing on, you never look back.
I know I'm no different than any other girl you've ever seen, but this isn't about me.
It's about her.
She's just lying there.
You have alot of places to be, I understand but she doesnt have much longer.
Without her... I would loose myself, my family would crumble. We all depend on her to hold us together, Dont you understand?!
I know youre careless, that my problems, anybodys troubles don't matter.
But if you could just just give me one more day, one more hour, an extra second? I promise you wont be sorry.
I can't let her go, not yet.
Youre the only one I can go to that can help.


I hear you don't stop for anyone, that nothing stands in your way.
But look at her, just look at her.
I need you time.
I need more time.

Spoiler

This was written about my grandma who I was really close too, she died of emphasiema.. I hope you like it I really do, questions or comments? Please write it down or pm me.

Hey there, rememberme! I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother and I send my best to you and your family.

So, I like the sentiment in this and I definitely understand where you’re going with it. But at the same time, I feel like you’ve definitely rushed through this when you wrote it. There are multiple typos and if you don’t have a spell checking typing program on your computer, then I would consider using thisspelling checker.

Another thing that caught me were some lines where things just didn’t seem to make much sense, most notably these two lines which left me a bit baffled:

I hear you dont stop for anyone that nothing stands in your way...

I know youre careless, that my problems, anybodys troubles don't matter.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to say with either of these lines and I would definitely take some time to clean those up.


Finally, the structure of your poem comes up. This is very free formed. The thing is, too much freedom in a form can just feel sloppy. You have a few lines that contain multiple sentences and ideas and others that really only have one idea or sometimes even less. So I would consider breaking your huge lines up to create a slightly less crazy looking poem.


Still, I’m sure your grandmother would be very proud of you and what you’ve written.

The voice of this piece was clear. I liked it. I couldn't understand parts of it, though, and you need to work on clarification. Is the person you are talking to God, an old boyfriend, or maybe even a sibling? Is the person lying on the ground your grandma, your sister, mom? Specification is not always necessary, but in this case, without it it's confusing.

Listen to me. I know youre apostrophe! in a hurry but you've got to hear me out. I hear you dont ''' stop for anyone comma... that nothing stands in your way...
Through all the horrid events and loss of loved ones, all the tears and shattered hearts, you keep pushing on, you never look back.
I know I'm no different than any other girl you've ever seen, but this isn't about me.
It's about her.
She's just lying there.
You have alot of places to be, I understand comma or something like it but she doesnt have much longer.
Without her... I would loose lose myself, my family would crumble. We all depend on her to hold us together, Dont you understand?!
I know youre apostrophe. careless, that my problems, anybodys apostrophe troubles don't matter.
But if you could just just give me one more day, one more hour, an extra second? I promise you wont apostrophe be sorry.
I can't let her go, not yet.
Youre the only one I can go to that who can help.


I hear you don't stop for anyone, that nothing stands in your way.
But look at her, just look at her.
I need youyour time.
I need more time.

Pretty much every comment I have about grammer has been said, but I just wanted to say that I think you did a great job with this poem. I could feel the emotion even though at first I wasn't sure who it was about. I especially loved that you repeated those first lines at the end. keep writing!