Drops of sunshine.

It was a sunny day in March,
I was chilled to the bone.
I hadn't eaten,was deficient of starch,
you left me to corrode, a statue of stone.

My heart was in shambles,dangling by a thread,
I wished to cry but I feebly smiled instead.
My insides screamed at me agonisingly,
I kept myself together, rather surprisingly.

All you said was,I'm leaving.
You broke my dreams,made me stop believing.
Walking away in an aura of pride,
A smile on your lips, and a spring in your stride.

I gave my heart to you and you let it break,
You left me though my sanity was at stake.
Insane and mad-a pathetic fool I remain,
you played mind games with me to satisfy your own demented brain.

You got what you needed-another one bites the dust.
You lured me into your trap-you faked love and lust.
My self-esteem in pieces,left there to rot,
Love is what I searched for-deception is what I got.

Guess life really got to me, it was too good to be true,
blinded by love i failed to see the storm that I did brew.
If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I shouldn't feel so low,
Everywhere I look people offer sympathy,yet no shoulder to cry on-nowhere to go.

You took my life by storm,and left nothing but debris,
You watched me suffer with a smile on your mouth ,and your mind in glee.
I never did anything wrong--did I?
Yet you reduced me to tears,caused even my heart to cry.

Lonely and lost-I searched for hope,
i tried to smile but I could only mope.
Afraid and cold-I was left battered,
Tired and gloomy--my life was tattered.

Pumping not only blood,but memories of you too,
My heart wallows in the past,with nothing else to do.
Nothing ever seems to last,Yet you always remain
engraved in my thoughts-like silk with a saffaron stain.

You left me there for dead,
But I was found by an angel instead.
Those lips were curled up in a beautiful smile,
My heart was beating once more--my behaviour wasn't juvenile.

Gaping at her, I stammered a hi,
she had a divine aura--like she'd just fallen out of the sky.
She gently laughed,and responded casually,
"is this how you act usually?"

The human mind is a sieve and eventually I forgot,
How i had suffered, and all the pain that you'd brought.
How I'd lived only to eventually die,
How I'd laughed only to eventually cry.

Minutes,days,moths and years-time moved on and so did I,
I finally knew a person that would always make me want to fly.
She taught me to believe and live life once more,
She taught me to have patience and wait for what destiny had in store.

She taught me that everyone deserves a happy ending,
Told me that greatness is what we're supposed to be transcending.
My lips now curl up, without thought or reason,
i'm happy throughout the day, regardless of weather or season.

The Muslin happiness is clean, the stain wiped away,
dissapointment has gone,and taken with it dismay.
My broken heart is once again healed,
Happiness is airtight and joy has been sealed.

The silk is once again pure,
thanks to the little bit of magic,that a magical someone could conjure.
My happy ending is finally here,
the vision that i once had,is once again crystal clear.

My heart is no more in a state of fray,
Love lost, is once more found
Happiness is here to stay,
And this feeling is profound.

The skies are blue again,and the sun once more shines,
I am happy once more, and i needn't reed between the lines.
For there is nothing that isn't clear,
and i'm carefree once more, living without a fear.

I loved this!!!
The emotions and meaning of this effected me deeply. I have gone through the same thing. And, it feels great to just let it all out, doesn't it!?
Now grammar time:

ahmedBurooj wrote:It was a sunny day in March,#FF0000 ">A
i was chilled to the bone.B
I hadn't eaten- defecient of starch,#FF0000 ">A
and you left me to corrode, a statue of stone.B

ahmedBurooj wrote:My heart was in shambles,dangling by a thread,#FF0000 ">A
I wished to cry but i feebly smiled instead.#FF0000 ">A
My insides screamed at me agonisingly,B
I somehow kept myself from falling apart-surprisingly.B

Everything else in this poem has the rhyming scheme of #FF0000 ">AABB
And the first stanza is the only exception to that. You can change it if you want, but, I just wanted you to be aware of it.

ahmedBurooj wrote:She gently laughed,and responded casually,
"is this how you act usually?"

casually and usually..i'm not sure if they go together as well as all of the other words.

Another thing....please work on your capitalization. It's really messed up in this poem. You hardly ever capitalize the word....I.... you just leave them as ...i...
This really makes the poem look unprofessional, and kinda sloppy.

for example:

ahmedBurooj wrote:i was chilled to the bone.

...i....needs to be capitalized.
And, a bunch of other instances this is true.

These were my two favorite parts of your poem:

ahmedBurooj wrote:If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,then why do i feel so low?
Everywhere i look people offer sympathy,yet no shoulder to cry on-nowhere to go.

and

ahmedBurooj wrote:My broken heart is once again healed,
happiness is airtight and joy has been sealed.

GREAT WORK. Again, I loved it! Just a few things to correct with grammar, and rhyming, but, other than that, great job. Keep it up!

I really loved the thought you put into this poem. I think the rhyming was a bit strained in some parts, and in this review I'll show you just what I think you could do to make it work better. My corrections are in red, my suggestions in blue.

It was a sunny day in March,
#FF0000 ">I was chilled to the bone.
I hadn't eaten- defecient of starch,
and you left me to corrode, a statue of stone.
I didn't really understand this bit, but if you still want to use that line, maybe set it out differently so the rythym flows better, maybe something like:
It was a sunny day in March,
I was chilled to the bone.
I hadn't eaten, was deficient of starch,
You left me to corrode, a statue of stone


My heart was in shambles,dangling by a thread,
I wished to cry but i feebly smiled instead.
My insides screamed at me agonisingly,
I somehow kept myself from falling apart-surprisingly. The rythym falls apart a bit here, as if the rhymes are forced. Maybe try: I kept myself together, rather surprisingly.

All you said was-I'm leaving. No need for the hyphon here, you can take out the - maybe use a comma instead
You broke my dreams,obliged me to stop believing.Try using a different word to obliged, like forced or made, something with less syllables
Walking away in an aura of pride- No need for the hyphon
A smile on your lips, and a spring in your stride. Good line here

I gave my heart to you and you let it break,
You left me even though my sanity was at stake. Take out the 'even' for the flow of your poem, so it says You [color=#FF0000]Left me though my sanity was at stake.[/color]
Insane and mad-a pathetic fool i remain,
#FF0000 ">You played mind games with me to satisfy your own demented brain.

You got what you needed-another one bites the dust. I understand what you're saying here but I'm not sure your wording totally works, is a litle bit hard to understand
You lured me into your trap-you faked love and lust.
My self-esteem #FF0000 ">was in pieces,left there to rot,
Love is what i searched for #FF0000 ">but deception is what i got.

Guess life really got to me, it was too good to be true,
#FF0000 ">Blinded by love i failed to see the storm that #FF0000 ">I did brew. Take out the did, say brewed?
If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,then why do #FF0000 ">I feel so low? I shouldn't feel so low - This is just an idea to put instead of then why do I feel so low
Everywhere i look people offer sympathy,yet no shoulder to cry on-nowhere to go. Sorry but this line doesn't really work for me, it's too long and doesn't make too much sense

You took my life by storm,and left nothing but debris, LOVE this line, very clever
You watched me suffer with a smile on your mouth ,and your mind in glee. I think you need to shorten this one a bit
I never did anything wrong--did #FF0000 ">I?
Yet you reduced me to tears,caused even my heart to cry.

Lonely and lost-#FF0000 ">I searched for hope,
i tried to smile but i could only mope.
Afraid and cold-i was left battered,
Tired and gloomy--my life was tattered.

Pumping not only blood,but memories of you too, You don't need the 'too', 'you' will still rhyme with 'do'
My heart wallows in the past,with nothing else to do.
Nothing ever seems to last,Yet you always remain
#FF0000 ">Engraved in my thoughts-like silk with a saffaron stain. Good descriptive language

You left me there for dead,
But #FF0000 ">I was found by an angel instead.
Those lips were curled up in a beautiful smile,
My heart was beating once more--my behaviour wasn't juvenile. This line might need a bit of work, again a bit long and doesn't totally make sense

Gaping at her, #FF0000 ">I stammered a hi,
#FF0000 ">She had a divine aura--like she'd just fallen out of the sky.
She gently laughed,and responded casually,
"#FF0000 ">Is this how you act usually?"

The human mind is a sieve#FF0000 ">, soeventually #FF0000 ">I forgot,
How #FF0000 ">I had suffered, and all of the pain that you'd brought.
How #FF0000 ">I'd lived only to eventually die,
How #FF0000 ">I'd laughed only to eventually cry.

Minutes,days,moths and years-time moved on and so did i,
I finally knew a person that would always make me wanna fly.
She taught me to believe and live life once more,
#FF0000 ">She taught me to have patience and wait for what destiny had in store.

She taught me that everyone deserves a happy ending,
told me that greatness is what we're supposed to be transcending.
My lips now curl up, without thought or reason,
i'm happy throughout the day, regardless of weather or season.

The saffron is pure and the stain is wiped away,
dissapointment has gone,and taken with it dismay.
My broken heart is once again healed,
happiness is airtight and joy has been sealed.

The silk is once again pure,
thanks to the little bit of magic,that a magical someone could conjure.
My happy ending is finally here,
the vision that i once had,is once again crystal clear.

My heart is no more in a state of fray,
Love lost, is once more found
Happiness is here to stay,
And this feeling is profound.

The skies are blue again,and the sun once more shines,
I am happy once more, and i needn't reed between the lines.
For there is nothing that isn't clear,
and i'm carefree once more, living without a fear.


So I'm sorry I was bit harsh, but don't take this as a bad sign. I wouldn't have given you this advice if I didn't think this poem had the potential for so much more. You have great ideas here and wonderful language, there's mostly just a few technical things to fix up. I really liked your poem and hope you take my advice on board.

Thanks! @MissRockers, the rhyming scheme was deliberately made that way, so as to convey that life isn't always even . Things happen, and life changes.

@NerdBurga thanks for the suggestions, they really helped!

Hello! Gheala here!

--------------------------------

It was a sunny day in March,
I was chilled to the bone.
I hadn't eaten,was #BF0000 ">defecient of starch,
you left me to corrode, a statue of stone.

"deficient" instead of "defecient".

All you said was,I'm leaving.
You broke my dreams,#BF0000 ">made me to stop believing.
Walking away in an aura of pride,
A smile on your lips, and a spring in your stride.

Oh, I love this stanza very much! But make it "made me stop" instead of "made me to stop".

I gave my heart to you and you let it break,
You left me though my sanity was at stake.
Insane and mad-a pathetic fool I remain,
#BF0000 ">you played mind games with me to satisfy your own demented brain.

Maybe it's just me, but is this sentence too long? Maybe you could scratch a few words to make it shorter, if you wish. "You played games with my mind to satisfy your demented brain" . Oh well, that's still long.

You got what you needed-another one bites the dust.
You lured me into your trap-you faked love and lust.
My self-esteem in pieces,left there to rot,
Love is what I searched for-deception is what I got.

Dear God. I love that stanza! Your choice of words is simple and touching.

Pumping not only blood,but memories of you too,
My heart wallows in the past,with nothing else to do.
Nothing ever seems to last,Yet you always remain
engraved in my thoughts-like silk with a #BF0000 ">saffaron stain.

"Saffron" instead of "Saffaron".

Minutes,days,#BF0000 ">moths and years-time moved on and so did I,
I finally knew a person that would always make me want to fly.
She taught me to believe and live life once more,
She taught me to have patience and wait for what destiny had in store.

"months" instead of "moths"

The Muslin happiness is clean, the stain wiped away,
#BF0000 ">dissapointment has gone,and taken with it dismay.
My broken heart is once again healed,
Happiness is airtight and joy has been sealed.

"disappointment" instead of "dissapointment".

The skies are blue again,and the sun once more shines,
I am happy once more, and#BF0000 "> i needn't #BF0000 ">reed between the lines.
For there is nothing that isn't clear,
and#BF0000 "> i'm carefree once more, living without a fear.
Don't forget to capitalize the "i" throughout the poem. Also make it "read" instead of "reed".

----------------------------------------
Alright, now I'm angry D< I haven't found anything to say that it was bad or mis-written! There was nothing but a few spelling mistakes and that could be fixed in a second. Your writing style is... Let me find the proper word. Ah, yes! Mesmerizing. You see, I never use that word except with my favourite book, but your poem deserve such a word. How did you learn to choose words like that? They are picked perfectly and you must be very talented to find just the right words to express those feelings.

From misery, came hope and love of life. That was a moral that I really liked. Your words were very simple and they flowed so easily while I read. And I don't even like poetry! If you look into my reviews, you'll see that I only review art and short stories or novels. I don't like poetry, I have never written it and I have no experience whatsoever that is related to it. BUT! I just so simply and so dearly loved this piece.

Thank you for letting me read it. Just make sure you always proofread and you'll be just fine.
Good luck!

I see that you've fixed the capitalization! Looks much better.

Hello! Sorry if this is a bit late =) The last time I was online I was in science so I did a quick skim then haha.Then I went to [post a review and then the interent cut off and I written a massive review!! It was reeeally sad cos it was really detailed. but I'm going to write it again so I can tell you what I think =). First off I really like the emotion and expressions you use. I like the imagry too. My comments are in purrrpppleeee! XD

It was a sunny day in March,
I was chilled to the bone.-------->I like this because if you live in Australia (like me) then its not cold in March, so its like a mental cold =) And if you live in the US then thats okay because it sets the mood, kindof of dreary and sad. Good =D
I hadn't eaten,was deficient of starch,-------> this rhyme is a bit forced, but I can't suggest another rhyme. I'm surprised that you got a rhyme for March at all haha =D
you left me to corrode, a statue of stone.

My heart was in shambles,dangling by a thread,
I wished to cry but I feebly smiled instead. -----> I like these two lines, it has good rhyme and imagry!!
My insides screamed at me agonisingly,
I kept myself together, rather surprisingly

All you said was,I'm leaving.
You broke my dreams,made me stop believing.
Walking away in an aura of pride,
A smile on your lips, and a spring in your stride -----> I really like this paragraph. It adds the mood that she left, just got over it and was happy but you were just breaking and really sad. Its very emotive and the rhyme is good too =D

I gave my heart to you and you let it break,
You left me though my sanity was at stake.
Insane and mad-a pathetic fool I remain,
you played mind games with me to satisfy your own demented brain.

You got what you needed-another one bites the dust.
You lured me into your trap-you faked love and lust.
My self-esteem in pieces,left there to rot,
Love is what I searched for-deception is what I got ----> Good last two lines =D I think its really clever
Guess life really got to me, it was too good to be true,
blinded by love i failed to see the storm that I did brew -----> This line is a bit odd. The rhyming is a little forced. Maybe you could write something like, blinded by love, as you tore me in two. Its just a suggestion =) Keep it the way it is or change it! Its good anyway =D
If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I shouldn't feel so low,
Everywhere I look people offer sympathy,yet no shoulder to cry on-nowhere to go.

You took my life by storm,and left nothing but debris,
You watched me suffer with a smile on your mouth ,and your mind in glee.
I never did anything wrong--did I?
Yet you reduced me to tears,caused even my heart to cry.

Lonely and lost-I searched for hope,
i tried to smile but I could only mope.
Afraid and cold-I was left battered,
Tired and gloomy--my life was tattered.

Pumping not only blood,but memories of you too, -----> this line is great! =D
My heart wallows in the past,with nothing else to do.
Nothing ever seems to last,Yet you always remain
engraved in my thoughts-like silk with a saffaron stain.

You left me there for dead,
But I was found by an angel instead.
Those lips were curled up in a beautiful smile,
My heart was beating once more--my behaviour wasn't juvenile. ------> I really like this paragraph!! Its like there is a break through of hope =D I'm really happy that its not going to end sadly =D

Gaping at her, I stammered a hi,
she had a divine aura--like she'd just fallen out of the sky
She gently laughed,and responded casually,
"is this how you act usually?"------> I really like this paragraph too. Its funny and lovey dovey and happy. Theres a lot of imagry too and the first two lines rhyme really well. This is my favourite part!!T

he human mind is a sieve and eventually I forgot,
How i had suffered, and all the pain that you'd brought.
How I'd lived only to eventually die,
How I'd laughed only to eventually cry.

Minutes,days,moths and years-time moved on and so did I,
I finally knew a person that would always make me want to fly.
She taught me to believe and live life once more,
She taught me to have patience and wait for what destiny had in store.

She taught me that everyone deserves a happy ending,
Told me that greatness is what we're supposed to be transcending.
My lips now curl up, without thought or reason,
i'm happy throughout the day, regardless of weather or season.

The Muslin happiness is clean, the stain wiped away,
dissapointment has gone,and taken with it dismay.
My broken heart is once again healed,
Happiness is airtight and joy has been sealed.

The silk is once again pure,
thanks to the little bit of magic,that a magical someone could conjure.
My happy ending is finally here,
the vision that i once had,is once again crystal clear.

My heart is no more in a state of fray,
Love lost, is once more found
Happiness is here to stay,
And this feeling is profound.

The skies are blue again,and the sun once more shines,
I am happy once more, and i needn't reed between the lines.
For there is nothing that isn't clear,
and i'm carefree once more, living without a fear. ----> A really good ending =D I like the contrast the end has with the beginning =)

I think your poem is lovely. It starts off really sad, it explains what happened to the narrator too, so you can empathize with them. The rhyming is good, although a little forced in some parts. I love the imagry and the emotions and the work that you put into this!! I don't find anything wrong with it that let it down! I thought it was beautiful =D I'm sorry this review is a little late, I hope it helped you anyway. Keep updating me on more of your works. I'm happy to review them =D

Also I love the title =)

Well, you've gotten a lot of good advice on this poem already, most of which are extremely long reviews, but I'll just say this: Good poem, just fix the first stanza! Keep Writing!