Meant to Be (part 3 of 3)

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Here is the third and final section of my story, Meant to Be. This part is due on Friday morning. Please let me know if my italics disappeared again... I keep forgetting to add them in again before I post the story on here.
If you haven't read the beginning of the story, you can find part one here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=79379
Part two is here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=80409


Part Three:

Gerald and Natalie did not try to force a conversation as Pierce ate. They sat back, sipping from their mugs of coffee quietly as they waited for Pierce to finish. Pierce tried to be polite, but his extreme hunger made it difficult to remember his table manners.

When he had finished eating, Pierce thanked Natalie again. He tried to smile, but he was nearly positive that it turned out to be more of a grimace, for he knew what would come next.

“So how does a young man such as yourself end up looking so discouraged on a day like this?” Gerald asked, leaning forward.

“Well, it’s sort of a long story,” Pierce said. He was barely managing to keep his voice level.

“We have time, Pierce,” said Gerald.

Pierce sighed, and began to tell the story of his life. He shared that he had lived with his Aunt and Uncle for most of his life when his parents disappeared. Pierce told them about the last day at his Aunt and Uncle’s farm. Pierce shared the words that his Uncle spoke to him, the broken feeling that filled his heart afterwards. He shared the talks that he used to have with his Uncle, the advice that he used to give. Pierce left no detail out, making sure they understood the entire situation. It felt surprisingly good to be able to share his feelings with someone else.

He could see Natalie slowly moving closer to her husband as he spoke. By the end, Natalie’s eyes were filled with tears and her hand was on Gerald’s arm.

Pierce realized that he was nearly crying again.

“Oh, you poor boy,” Natalie whispered, her voice barely audible.

“Pierce, I know it may not feel like it, but I know exactly where you’re coming from.” Gerald’s strong voice filled the room.

Pierce glanced over at Gerald, raising his eyebrows. “Sorry? I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“When I was seventeen years old, my mother died suddenly. It tore my family apart, and my father decided that he no longer wanted the trouble of looking after me. I was thrown out of my own home by the person who was always supposed to be there for me,” said Gerald.

“Natalie’s brother helped me when I was in my time of greatest need, and I decided that I would pay it forward if I could. When we saw you sitting on the park bench, I knew that we had to help you. I suppose it was just meant to be.” And with that, Gerald fell silent, as if in thought.

Pierce sat there for a moment, feeling slightly awkward. He had more in common with the man across the table from him than he could have imagined. The information presented to him was startling, and it made his head hurt.

“I’d like to offer you a job here, Pierce. You sound like you have some skill working on a farm, and to tell you the truth, we could use the help. We have a spare room that you can use until you find another place. What do you say?” Gerald said.

“Are you serious?” Pierce asked. He felt a rush of emotion, though he wasn’t entirely sure what each one was. They all blended together, making it hard to tell what was real or imagined. Complete bewilderment? That was certainly there, along with a slight panic and excitement.

“I am. I know how it feels, and I hate to see anyone else go through that. Natalie and I agreed that this would be a good idea.”

“We would be honored to help you, Pierce,” Natalie said, finally breaking her silence. She looked at him for a moment.

Pierce felt like she was agreeing with everything her husband had just said, and telling him that it would be alright.

“This means so much to me,” Pierce said, “That you even took the time to get me breakfast. Thank you so much. I promise I won’t be too much trouble, and I’ll help out with whatever you need.”

That was all Pierce was able to say before his voice gave out. He was peaceful again. In just over twenty-four hours, he had gone from a comfortable life to no life at all, and now he was on his way back. It was in that moment that Pierce found himself again, realizing that there was more to life than he had known. It was when he truly started believing in the goodness of people.

There is no way that this happened by chance, Pierce thought. Gerald was right – this was all meant to be.

The End.
Last edited by Alz on Fri May 20, 2011 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Check out my blog at http://missalliesadventures.blogspot.com




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Hello, I'm Gheala. I'm sometimes too harsh with the reviewing, but it's all for good reasons! :D

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Gerald and Natalie did not try force a conversation as Pierce ate.

Make it "try to" instead of "try".

They sat back, sipping their mugs of coffee quietly as they waited for Pierce to finish.

"sipping from their" instead of "sipping their".

Pierce tried to be polite, but his extreme hunger made it difficult to remember his table manners.

Very nice. You managed to show me how he ate by a simple and brief sentence. That's very nice.

“So how does a young man such as yourself come to be sitting on a park bench, looking so discouraged?” Gerald asked, leaning forward.

At first, I didn't understand that question. I think it's too long, so maybe you should make it a little shorter.

“Well, it’s sort of a long story,” Pierce said. He was barely managing to keep his voice level.

I think it's "leveled" and not "level".

He shared he talks that he used to have with his Uncle

"his talks" instead of "he talks".

“When I was seventeen years old, my mother died suddenly. It tore my family apart, and my father decided that he no longer wanted the trouble of looking after me. I was thrown out of my own home by the person who was always supposed to be there for me.

“Natalie’s brother helped me when I was in my time of greatest need, and I decided that I would pay it forward if I could. When we saw you sitting on the park bench, I knew that we had to help you. I suppose it was just meant to be.” And with that, Gerald fell silent, as if in thought.

I think that was a very long quotation. It took two paragraphs. I'm not saying you should make it short, but maybe you should put "he said" or any explanation in the middle. But that's just me.

The information presented to him was

That thought isn't finished.

“Are you serious?” Pierce asked. He felt a rush of emotion, though he wasn’t entirely sure what each one was. They all blended together, making it hard to tell what was real or imagined.

Hm... I wanted to know more about how your MC felt. That description of his emotions was very brief and I do think you have the potential to give us a better detail about his feelings.
Pierce felt like she was agreeing with everything her husband had just said, and telling him that it would be alright.

New paragraph, because now you're talking about Pierce's thoughts. It needs to start a new paragraph.
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I loved it. Even though you need to proofread the piece, I think you have a great talent. Such talent would be amazing with some polishing and practice. You, somehow, managed to deliver his emotions in a great and touching way. You did that, while this piece was very short. That, to me, is a great sign that you're doing a great job.

Just make sure you proofread. Other than that, I loved it. Practice more and you'll do an even better job!!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Thank you so much for the review, Gheala! I'm really glad that you pointed out those mistakes... I didn't have a whole lot of time to proofread the other day. It would have been rather embarrassing to hand this in without those edits.
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you again!
Alz
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Check out my blog at http://missalliesadventures.blogspot.com



I'll make sure nobody unauthorized runs off with the chamber pot, sir.
— Kaladin (Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson)