The Mythology Club

Prologue

“Yo Ryuuko.”

Today is the girl’s first day of high school at Blade Academy. Before arriving to the entrance ceremony, she encountered a few punks on the way. Stereotypical ones. All because she wore pants. Before, girls wear skirts in Japan. Thanks to increased sexual assaults, the government thought it’d be good to change its traditions for the sake of purity.

“Eh, this kid attends Blade? That snobby place?”

“What’s a cutie wearing something for guys? Pisses me off!”

“Yeah,” a punk said, cracking his knuckles. “Let’s put her in her place.”

Too bad Ryuuko was a first-class fighter in the district. They all ran away in fear, begging to spare their lives. This was when her friends showed up. Luckily, they knew she beats up punks for a reason.

“Hey Kei, Mayumi.”

Kei was a friend she made when she moved to America three years ago. They were in the Blade Academy’s system, but transfered to the Machete Division (USA), It was also his first day at Blade Academy: Katana Division. He’s a real easy-going person. He usually irritates Ryuuko with his crazy antics, but they managed a strong friendship.

Mayumi was in the same boat as Kei. A close friend since junior high. Like her two friends, she’ll be attending the Katana Division. Unlike them, she’s at the top of her year. Earning the best grades is her specialty. She’s also a practitioner of archery, winning regional competitions during her stay in North America.

However, this wasn’t any ordinary day. Today, this is when their lives changed forever. Especially the one named Hashimoto Ryuuko.

Hey Naruto, Hawk here for a review!

Okay, so first off I want to say that you've got an interesting start -- but it's very short. I've just begun to sort out characters and tried to get an image, and then it abruptly stops. Prologues are tricky; you want to give enough of a background on the settings and characters that are playing a major role in the story, but you also don't want to info-dump and simply tell the reader all of the information they're going to need to know.

This starts off in an interesting way. You show us a quick glimpse into the Ryuuko's life, her school, her friends. It feels too tellish, though; instead of slowly giving us information in a subtle way, you lay a lot of it out for the reader. Instead of saying that Kei is irritating and casual, show us. How? Well, show us a scene where they're talking, and he somehow annoys Ryuuko, and she reacts in a way that shows how she clearly gets irritated by him but is still a close friend. Let the reader infer their relationship; you probably wouldn't like to have someone tell you exactly how you should interpret a piece of art. You'd like to be able to figure it out yourself and have your own take on it. That's exactly how it should be for the people reading your story. Let them do a little detection; people are a lot more intuitive than you might think, and they can readily pick up on little tensions or other relational dynamics between characters, if you portray them accurately.

My other point is your constant change of tenses. You start off in the present tense: "Today is her first day of school." Then you change to past with all the uses of "was." At the end, you blend the two: "Today, this is when their lives changed forever." It can get too confusing for the reader; when exactly did all of these occurrences happen? Is this something that took place a while ago? Just stick to one tense and it'll make it much easier for your readers.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! :]