I'll Protect You part 1

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I looked away from the grimy window as I heard the door open. Grace walked through it, her eyes downcast and filled with tears.

“Graciebug,” I said softly and slid off of the window seat. “It’ll be fine. They just didn’t see what a great person you are.”

“Why bother?” she asked, throwing herself onto one of the tiny beds and burying her face into the pillow. “I’m getting older...soon I’m going be thirteen, and nobody’s going to want to adopt me then.”

“Snap out of it,” I said and sat next to her.

“What’s the use?” she asked, the pillow muffling her voice. “Nobody wants me. Clarisse’s right. I’m worthless.”

“You know not to listen to that witch,” I said gently and touched her shoulder. “She just likes to bring us down.”

“Well then why do we stay here, Jared?” she asked, turning onto her back. “Why do we just stand here and take it?”

“What else can we do?” I sighed. There was a moment of silence. Grace stared up at me, her verdant green eyes empty of hope. Suddenly, a sparkle appeared and she quickly sat up.

“I know!” she said. “We can run away!”

“What?” I asked.

“It’ll be easy!” she said. “All we’ve gotta do is pack, and go find someplace to stay, like an empty building or something! We could get by on the streets, couldn’t we? I’ve heard of plenty of people who do it. Why can’t we?”

“Oh…Grace, I don’t know…Everyone who’s tried have gotten caught,” I said.

“But we won’t get caught if we’re careful!” she said. “You know me! I’m an expert at sneaking around. And so are you! You know we could do it!”

I have to admit, getting out of this dump sure did sound good.

“Heh…I suppose we could try,” I said, unable to stop a smile from crossing my face. “But getting out of here isn’t the problem. How we’re going to sustain ourselves is.”

“Hmmm,” she put her hand over her mouth and her brow wrinkled in thought. “Remember when we read that book one of those social workers gave us? Oliver Twist? We could be like Artful Dodger’s gang, except with just you and me.”

“You do know that stealing is against the law, Graciebug,” I said.

“Well, I know…but what if there’s nothing else you can do?” she asked. “What if you can’t get a job or if you don’t have any parents to look out for you?”

“Mmmm,” I said softly. “The police are still going to catch us if we slip up and throw us into this orphanage again.”

“But what if we don’t slip up?” she asked, getting on her knees. “What if we’re careful not to get caught?”

“Then it’s just our guilt that we have to live with,” I said and sighed.

“It’s a price I’m willing to pay,” Grace said firmly. “I can’t live here anymore. I don’t want to get pushed around all the time.”

“…You’re right,” I said. “I don’t want to live like this either.”

“Then we’re going to do it,” she said and smiled. “We’ll make it through. Pinky swear?”

“Yeah,” I said and reached out my pinky. She took it and gave it a squeeze. I smiled back at her and let her pinky go, then I leaned forward and gave her a hug.

“You’re right. We’re going to make it through. And I promise, Graciebug…no matter what happens, I’ll protect you.”

“I know you will,” she said and gave me a squeeze back.

****
It took about a week or so for Grace and I to prepare everything for our departure. We snuck snacks into our backpacks whenever we could, and snitched money from Clarisse’s bank stored in the basement. I felt guilty at first, but the guilt soon went away when I remembered what she’d done to us. She whacked us around when we didn’t do our chores exactly the way she wanted them. She called us worthless, stupid, good-for-nothing kids.

“She deserves it,” I found myself saying on night we’d planned to leave.

“Yeah. What goes around comes around,” Grace said, taking her backpack and sliding it on. I climbed up onto the window seat and slowly eased the window open.

“Ladies first,” I said. Grace grinned. She’d been living for this moment, I could tell. Her eyes shined as she climbed out of the window and onto the fire escape. I watched her as she started to tiptoe softly toward the stairs. She turned around to look at me. Her long brown hair was blown back in the slight wind, and the city lights were reflected in her eyes.

Beautiful.

“What’re you waiting for?” she whispered loudly. “C’mon, let’s go before Clarisse wakes up and finds us gone.”

“Oh…yeah,” I said and started to out of the window after her. Well, apparently I wasn’t watching where my feet were going because I tripped over the sill and landed flat on my face, making a huge crash.

“Jared!” she cried and ran to help me up. Suddenly, the light in Clarisse’s room turned on, making us both freeze.
Then we heard steps coming down to our room.

“Come on!” Grace shouted and yanked me to my feet.

“What the hell?!” I heard Clarisse’s voice in our room. “Grace and Jared, trying to make a run for it, eh?”

I was frozen. I couldn’t move.

JARED!!” Grace shouted and tugged at my arm. Her voice unfroze me, and we dashed down the fire escape together.

“You can’t escape from me!” Clarisse screamed. Somehow she’d managed to fit through the window and was dashing after us.

“This way!!” Grace shouted and dragged me down a dark alleyway. Feral cats watched us from on the top of garbage cans as we dashed past, their shining eyes piercing into my skin.

I wasn’t sure exactly how long we’d been running when Grace went down.

She started to fall, but I managed to catch her around her waist before she hit the ground.

“Did…we…lose…her?” she panted. I took a look behind me.

“I think so,” I said. “But she’s probably going to call the police, so they’ll be on the lookout for us. We should find someplace to stay the night.”

“Yeah,” she said. I gently let her down onto the ground, and she got to her feet, a little unsteadily. I put an arm around her, keeping her on her feet.

“Thanks,” she said.

“No problem, Graciebug. I’m protecting you, remember?” I said and smiled.

“Yeah,” she said softly and leaned her head on my shoulder. “My protector.”

****
So that's it of part one! :) I'm going to post part two as soon as i finish!!
WARNING:My avatar contains copious amounts of Duke Devlin. Women with heart conditions are not advised to look directly at Duke Devlin. This also goes for women without heart conditions.
He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's VERY pretty.




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Hi there! The first thing that I noticed here is that your characters could use a bit of development. There are also other ways to improve, but I'll mainly focus on the characterization part of this.

I looked away from the grimy window as I heard the door open. Grace walked through it, her eyes downcast and filled with tears.


These sentences are clear and concise when it comes to showing what's going on, but they don't establish much of a connection with the point-of-view character. What emotions does the character feel when Grace walks through the door? What is your character thinking? The more you show us about how he thinks and feels towards everything around him, the more we'll be able to connect.

“Graciebug,” I said softly and slid off of the window seat. “It’ll be fine. They just didn’t see what a great person you are.”


Try to use a strong verb in the place of 'said' when you find yourself using a weak adverb after it. Try something like 'mumbled' or 'whispered.' It's a great way to keep your sentences concise and effective.

“Why bother?” she asked, throwing herself onto one of the tiny beds and burying her face into the pillow. “I’m getting older...soon I’m going be thirteen, and nobody’s going to want to adopt me then.”


I like your use of the verbs 'throwing' and 'burying' here. It gives us a better sense of how she's feeling through vivid actions. I don't know why (perhaps it's because I can't stand people who pity themselves), but this tidbit still made me roll my eyes. It just seems like it's been.. done so many times before? I'm not sure why, but her dialog just seems forced to me. Maybe just because it's what I expected her to say it and it's what she said. Which leads me back to the point of characterization. Try to make your character's actions and words original. Characters, unlike story ideas, are singular and different all on their own, and I'm not getting a huge sense of that with Grace or your point-of-view character. Their personalities seem a bit flat at this point. But I guess I'll keep reading!

“Snap out of it,” I said and sat next to her.


Lovely. Mostly because right now I wish I could tell her to snap out of it too, and that's not necessarily a good thing. I want her to snap out of it because I want her to seem more realistic.

Also, this paragraph is a wonderful place to give us a bit of background information, a thought by Jared, etc. Anything, really, that would give us a greater sense of character and the situation. "I said and sat next to her," is a bit bland. I'm not feeling any emotion other than annoyance at this story right now, and that's because you didn't give us much in the way of character and place. Dialog is nice, but you seem to be letting it rule your story to the point where I'm wondering, "Who are these characters, and why should I even care?!" Keeping the reader engaged includes conveying strong emotions.

“You know not to listen to that witch,” I said gently and touched her shoulder. “She just likes to bring us down.”


What he's saying and what he's doing really seem to conflict here. Perhaps it makes sense to you because you understand his character, but we're not getting any sense of his character right now. Calling somebody a witch improves upon that some, but it's not backed up by any thought or personal action to distinguish him. He's calling somebody a witch and being gentle at the same time? Where is that undertone of hatred that we should be feeling towards "that witch"? Are there no stifled glares or malicious thoughts towards that woman?

I have to go do homework now, so do you get the picture? You've got to make the reader become instantly attached. Thanks for letting me review! And I'm very sorry if I sounded harsh. I really can't help it.

- Light
You treat life like a picture
but it's not a moment that's frozen in time




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I really liked this story, but I do wish we had gotten a little bit more about the characters. That was the only flaw I saw, though, and I can't wait for part 2!!!



For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein